The Fish Have Landed Thursday, Sep 4 2008

Our newest donor’s fish have landed safely at our lab. Sadly we had to change again after our last one became inactive rather suddenly. How rude!

I admit this wasn’t my top pick but after listening to the audio and checking into his heritage more I feel better about the choice. He is intelligent and  seems like a nice enough guy. He has the right background and passed all tests with flying colors. I guess that is all we can ask for. My wife reminded me that, after I said he sounded a bit reserved, any child raised by me would have plenty of personality and spunk. Aww, so sweet.

Now we wait for the all important +OPK. If we don’t have one by Friday we will go for an U/S and possible trigger. S, once again, managed to avoid a single side effect of Clomid. We have been doing all kinds of home remedies to reduce the chances of a thin lining coupled with Estrace.

I am hoping for very good things this time around.

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Sadness Sunday, Aug 31 2008

I am so very sad. There are so many in blogland experiencing heartbreaking losses right now. I hurt for them and send them all my love and support but know it will never be enough to bring back what they lost. It is painfully unfair and I am so sorry.

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Let the Games Begin! Tuesday, Aug 26 2008

Today’s appointment was very interesting. As you know Dr. M and I do battle every cycle and the last cycle left my crying in a heap on the exam room floor, literally. Good times. I am guessing he didn’t enjoy that spectacle so he brought out his very best, respectful, attentive, thoughful side.

Todays U/S showed that the CL cyst was still there, hadn’t shrunk a bit. However, it was more of a bloot clot than a cyst so beginning a cycle wouldn’t be a problem. Then, lo and behold, Dr. M did an antral follie count. Hallelujah! I was so glad he took the time to check out the possibilities before sending us home with needles.

The down-side, S’s antral follie count sucked. It does vary from month to month, but it could be DOR. I was a bit alarmed but with no prompting from me he ordered blood work so we will know one way or another. Dr. M also threw a little, “I know you have researched all of this, Hunter” comment my way. It could have been snark but I think it was just his special way of letting me know I have been heard, finally.

He also wants to check her Thyroid. It usually shows up normal but she has every symptom of it being low. Perhaps what is normal for you and I may be a little too low for S. Maybe we are getting somewhere now….

Dr. M ruled out an injectable cycle because we wouldn’t get much with that antral follie count. He offered up a TI cycle but quickly said we could do another Clomid cycle if we liked. S has had the best results with Clomid so it only makes sense. He also promised to begin Estrace much earlier to keep the lining issue at bay.

I actually feel good about all Dr. M said. He is checking on things he should have long ago, he is LISTENING, being flexible and was very honest about us wasting thousands on a cycle that would be like the last one. Hello, I do not believe we have met. There was not a drop of second guessing, a true first.

S is a bit nervous about her FSH being high but as long as we know what we are dealing with we can plan accordingly. Thyroid is an easy fix but again, a good thing to know. We get the results tomorrow and begin Clomid.

I have my handy bag of tricks ready to improve her lining as well as those lovely little Estrace pills. S will also have the pleasure of using those fun prometrium supps 3x daily this time around. She is overjoyed.

I have added to my crazy list of Mother Nature’s little helpers and S in on board with all of them, though she laughs and shakes her head when I list them. We are looking at an IUI by next weekend.

I feel calm, that S is in good hands and okay about everything that happened today. I will pray that means something this cycle.

Come on little one, your mommies are waiting for you and love you so much already.

UP NOW: Cycle #7, IUI #6, Clomid, Estrace, Prometrium, Aspirin, crazy home remedies/tricks

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Here We Go Monday, Aug 25 2008

CD1 is upon us, and a week early to boot. Oy.

S has decided to stay with Dr. M this cycle. It’s her body so her choice. It really does say something that the mere thought of walking into his office fills me with dread, yes?

I am trying very hard to start off this cycle with good thoughts and positivity, even a bit of trust in Dr. M. I am just kind of tired. I feel drained and worry creeps into everything I do. The finish line seems so far away. I know it does for S too. She is not looking forward to this again. I can’t really blame her. Last cycle was heartbreaking every step of the way.

I will gather my strength and courage, enough for the both of us, and do my best to get us there.

Here we go again. Cycle 7 lucky 7?

“…It’s not how many times you’ve been knocked down, it’s how many times you get back up. Courage is when you’ve lost your way but you found your strength anyway.” The Strange Familiar

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Confession Wednesday, Aug 20 2008

I have been MIA because of guilt. I am the queen of worry and feeling guilty, if it were an Olympic sport I would be Phelps.

Why such guilt you ask? Well, we are on a  forced break this month. I expected to be really angry at a wasted month. Instead, I am loving the break. It is so nice not having shots, pills, ultrasounds and the ugly worry that comes during the TWW. I relish our free time, uncluttered medicine cabinet and the lightness that comes without worry and heartache.

 I feel awful, like somehow a month without torture equals not really committing to this child. How dumb is that? I know it’s dumb. I know it’s okay to take a moment to breathe. Still, I can’t shake the guilt. UGH.

The break will be over soon enough. I should take comfort that very soon I will be back on the psychotic merry-go-round that is TTC

I am already taking deep breaths and preparing for what I know will be a tough cycle. S has lost all faith in everything. I know she dreads the shots and vag cam appointments. I know she dreads another chemical pregnancy. I know that being pregnant or holding our baby seems impossible to her.

I still have faith though. It’s been shaken, dented and dinged, but it’s still there. I close my eyes and see our dream coming true. No matter what we have to go through to make it happen, we will find a way, we always do.

That is what faith is all about.

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Happy Anniversary! Tuesday, Aug 12 2008

Today is our anniversary. We are celebrating by getting married again, legally, tonight!

We didn’t realize our Rabbi’s email had been lost until last nightso… only a few hours to prepare. I truly haven’t anything to wear and we will only have time to grab a good friend as our witness.

Honestly, we had the big wedding last year and I was miserable. I worried so much I made myself sick and look pinched and nervous in every photo. Tonight is just about us, renewing the promise and loving one another. No nerves, no fuss, just love.

Getting our license was such a joy this morning. There was a gay couple next to us and we all just stood there smiling at each other, equality will do that to you.

Happy Anniversary my beautiful wife. I love you and know all of our dreams will come true. There is no one on Earth I would rather share my life with. You are a gift.

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What is Wrong With Me? Friday, Aug 8 2008

Okay, before you all go making lists, let me just say that I cry easily these days. I do not know what is wrong with me.

Everything makes me cry lately; the expired sour cream in our fridge made me cry, commercials make me cry. I just cry in little bursts and then am okay a few minutes later.

I am tired, I am indecisive, easily irritated and just plain over everything. I am hungry but nothing sounds good. I want to cook but can’t seem to find the energy. I should be applying for jobs but can’t bring myself to do it. I have a million things to do around the house but I can’t make myself do any of them. WTF?

I am so pitiful right now.

When you are in a slump how do you pull yourself out of it? Any helpful hints would be appreciated. I need to perk up!

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A Little Pregnant Sunday, Aug 3 2008

Apparently, S was pregnant, even if for just a day or two. A chemical pregnancy for us this cycle. Her beta had already fallen to around 5, the blood is here full force. There was nothing we could do, but don’t think for one crazy moment I didn’t think it could magically double. Given what happened last cycle, very early breakthrough bleeding and a cyst,  it looks like last month may have been a chemical pregnancy too.

The optimist in me immediately thought it was good that at least we knew S could get pregnant. I tried so hard to convince myself she would be comforted  by that in some small way.  All this time she was thinking she was doing something wrong, that she was somehow failing. I was right for about ten minutes. Then reality set in. Our dream had come true but had only stayed alive for just a little bit. Seeing a stark white pregnancy test and the obnoxious Not Pregnant on a digital is pretty painful but a toilet bowl full of what could have been is really, really heartbreaking.

I tried to spoil her today, pedicures, fun lunch out, lots of love and comforting words. At some point she looked at me and said,” I am sorry I lost our baby.” I can’t tell you how much that hurt. She says she knows she couldn’t have done anything any better but I know it is painful for her in ways I cannot understand.

We had previous plans to see my mom today. She knew something was wrong the second she saw us, but I didn’t say anything. The temptation was huge though. I wanted nothing more than to run crying to my mommy like a little girl and beg her to fix it. I remember when I was little my mom could fix anything. I don’t know how she did it but I wish she still could.

We are on a forced break for a month. The cyst has to resolve and S needs a break, physically and emotionally. We are going to use this time to regroup and decide what to do next. We want to change doctors but Dr. M is trying to lure us back with the promise of free meds and reduced fees. Kind of tempting… we’ll see. For now we are going to try to enjoy a little freedom; no shots, vag cam dates, peeing on assorted sticks.

I will continue to wish, hope and pray. I know one day we will hold our baby.

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Dr. M (aka Birth Control )Listened!!! Saturday, Aug 2 2008

Dr. M insisted we come and see him today. We were in no mood and were watching our friends  daughter for the day, but we went anyway. I felt so guilty about having a child in the RE’s office. I hate when other people do that but Ididn’t have much of a choice. I rushed her in, sat her in the farthest, darkest corner and stood in front of her the whole time. I still felt like a jerk.

I think he was ready for some hostility, tears or anger from me but I threw him off by staying absurdly calm. I like to keep him guessing They made S take a pg test, the third negative of the day. I asked about a beta but he dismissed me, until he saw the U/S. S’s lining is a 9+, hardly the lining of a woman with AF. He agreed that AF breaking through prometrium this early was very odd. He said that he would do the beta, just to be sure. He said he expects a negative. Gee, thanks. At least he finally listened to us. It only took 6 months! In all honesty, we know it will be negative but some explanation is needed. Maybe the blood work will help us find our answer.

Apparently S has a CL cyst that will probably not go away by CD3. We can aspirate it or sit out a month. He wants us to sit out a month. UGH. He swears he will be aggressive with meds, even give us some meds to save us some money. He will up her Prometriumto 3x per day. He didn’t even charge us for today’s visit. It’s nice that he is trying but it might be too little too late. We haven’t made up our minds about anything yet. It all feels a bit overwhelming right now. What would you do?

We are just waiting for confirmation of a negative beta now. We have cried it all out and now just feel really tired and in need of ice cream.

I am always amazed at the range of emotions we can have in such a short period of time. From scared to hopeful to devastated in just a day or so. I think all of this has taught me that my faith in the power of our dreams cannot be broken. I know I falter a bit during bad moments but I always bounce back. No one, not even Dr. M, will keep us from becoming mommies. I won’t let it happen.

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The New Math Friday, Aug 1 2008

 

THIS:

Follistim, hCG trigger, back to back IUI’s, green tea, eggs, aspirin, pineapple, POM Juice, rose quartz, fertility charm, Egg McMuffin, socks, red warming foods, Prometrium, prayer, visualization techniques

PLUS THIS:

Hot flashes, swollen painful breasts, nausea, bloating, headaches, back pain, frequent urination, ice cream and hamburger cravings, implantation day spotting, dizzy spells, exhaustion

EQUALS THIS:

 

AND THIS:

 

I can’t describe the heartache. It hurts so much.

G-d and I are in a big fight today.

Dr. M ( from here on out known as Birth Control) is insisting on seeing us today. Who will help post bail?

 

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