I must take a moment to AW my very good behavior, so far. I am usually very preachy, Pollyanna, everything is a sign. While a little positivity is good in the TWW, I think mine was becoming saccharin, rather desperate. I imagine if I heard it on a recording I would sound tinny, shrill and full of panic. Not this time.

I have prepped the pineapple without much comment, poured the POM Juice without lecture and laid out the socks with minimal anecdotes. I murmured sympathetically at S’s painful breasts and said nary a word about it being a ”good sign” when she whimpered in pain in the shower. I rubbed her aching back, removed the towel that she swore “smelled weird”, though freshly laundered, all without insisting that “this is it”. In a feat of Herculean strength I said a simple I am sorry honey, how uncomfortable, when she couldn’t zip her pants this morning. When she finally realized I wasn’t proclaiming a victory and questioned her symptoms, I simply said, Prometrium will do that to you.

I am trying so hard to avoid putting any pressure on her. I am trying so very hard to stay sane and normal. I am breathing in and out and not allowing myself to spiral into the TWW insanity. Deep down though, I know there is a huge ball of fear just waiting for the right time to appear. Calm on the outside, but aching on the inside.

We are Mothers without children and it hurts.