I have been MIA because of guilt. I am the queen of worry and feeling guilty, if it were an Olympic sport I would be Phelps.
Why such guilt you ask? Well, we are on a forced break this month. I expected to be really angry at a wasted month. Instead, I am loving the break. It is so nice not having shots, pills, ultrasounds and the ugly worry that comes during the TWW. I relish our free time, uncluttered medicine cabinet and the lightness that comes without worry and heartache.
I feel awful, like somehow a month without torture equals not really committing to this child. How dumb is that? I know it’s dumb. I know it’s okay to take a moment to breathe. Still, I can’t shake the guilt. UGH.
The break will be over soon enough. I should take comfort that very soon I will be back on the psychotic merry-go-round that is TTC 
I am already taking deep breaths and preparing for what I know will be a tough cycle. S has lost all faith in everything. I know she dreads the shots and vag cam appointments. I know she dreads another chemical pregnancy. I know that being pregnant or holding our baby seems impossible to her.
I still have faith though. It’s been shaken, dented and dinged, but it’s still there. I close my eyes and see our dream coming true. No matter what we have to go through to make it happen, we will find a way, we always do.
That is what faith is all about.
August 20, 2008 at 3:26 am |
We have faith that this is going to work for you, too. Hang in there, and don’t feel guilty about the break- think of it as a refresher for the mind and body.
August 20, 2008 at 6:55 am |
I was on a forced break and did all the great things I can easily do now being child free with no TTC worries. It was great and it felt weird, after being so constantly focussed on fertility, to have so much fun. For me it was another kind of roller coaster ride.
August 20, 2008 at 9:36 pm |
Try to enjoy the forced break as much as you can, Ms. Queen of Worry! I know that may be easier said than done, but get out and experience the rest of summer (well, you’re in SoCal, so it’s summer most of the time), play tourist in your region and yes, do all of the things you can do so easily without a child and savor those moments.
August 21, 2008 at 1:19 am |
I know exactly how you feel. We felt really guilty this time around when we got our BFN, and realized that we didn’t have to worry about anything for our honeymoon and wedding this October. Ugh. TTC is a crazy world, it certainly is great to get a break….Even if it makes you feel guilty (in the end, we all know that we care, and you care deeply about your child) Or we wouldnt be putting ourselves on this merry-go-round we call TTC.
Stay strong your feelings are not wrong
..hey I’m a poet and didn’t even know it! haha
August 21, 2008 at 1:51 am |
Please don’t beat yourself up for enjoying a break. Sometimes a break is just what your bodies and souls need. You guys will absolutely find a way to make your dreams come true and in the meantime just try to enjoy eachother, the lower stress and all those early morning hours.