Out of My Hands Thursday, Jul 31 2008 

 I want to thank you all so much for your advice and wisdom. Your comments really helped both us feel better during the pink freak out. I almost feel like we should have Team Implantation t-shirts made. 🙂

The heart-stopping pinkish/brownish spotting has stopped, thank G-d. Dr. Oncall never bothered to return our call and Dr. M was (surprise, surprise) not worried. He did say it could have been implantation and he wouldn’t worry unless it becomes a full flow. DUH. Nothing gets by that Dr. M, does it?

Whatever happens next will happen, no matter what I do or don’t do. Whatever was meant to be was decided almost two weeks ago. Did the new fish and eggies even meet up? I wish I knew. In fact, I think there should be a way to test for this. If there was no meet up you can mourn the cycle and skip the heinous TWW. If they did, you have some solid hope in the TWW.

It’s a bitter pill for me to swallow. I am always the fixer, the I can make it happen girl. It’s not even my body and here I am trying to control what it does. I sat down and made a calendar of everything we have done this cycle, all the little tricks. It’s scary but it was all done happily (mostly) by my wife. 

My heart aches. I want to know but I don’t. I cannot sleep. I even bit off all my pretty fingernails. I keep wondering if there was anything else I could have, should have, done. I want so much for this to work. Aside from the obvious reason, I want it to work so S feels confident in her body again. I want to know we were successful despite the idiotic Dr. M. I want to know all our prayers, energy and crazy tricks were not in vain, that the universe heard us, that our child heard us.

 I am usually okay with waiting, maybe a little wired by the end of the TWW. This time though, I am officially unhinged. There is nothing to do but wait, wish, hope and pray.

It’s killing me.

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.”~Tolstoy

Houston, We Have a Problem Tuesday, Jul 29 2008 

We were having such a lovely night and then, BAM! Pink on  S’s tp. WTF? How can this be? It was awful to see S’s eyes well up.

AF isn’t due for a full week and I thought it was too late for implantation bleeding but Google, disagrees. S left a message for on-call guy but he has yet to call back. I guess panicky lesbians do not count as a true emergency.

Could it be low progesterone? A true implantation bleed? Really early AF? We are going to try to get her in for bloodwork tomorrow, just to check her P4. Dr. On-call had better call back. Iam so over that fucking clinic I could scream!

 This sucks so badly I cannot even tell you. I kind of want to throw up and I feel the tears coming.

This cycle cannot be over, it just can’t. S looked so scared and sad.

Please, please, please….

I am realistic – I expect miracles-Wayne Dyer

I Walk the Line Sunday, Jul 27 2008 

I have become a tightrope walker this past week. I am carefully walking the thin line between being realistic and positive. I didn’t think it would be so hard. I was doing so well, until I saw the tears.

I found S crying last night. What if it didn’t work was all she said. I started to say of course it worked but she cut me off. You always say that. OUCH. It’s true though. I always say it worked. I guess I think the more I say it the more it will be true. I climbed up on the tightrope and began to walk.

Somehow I managed to be positive and encouraging without promising anything. Somehow I tempered the excitement of a host of symptoms with the reality that meds do have side effects. I think I did okay. I managed to stay up until the tears stopped.

S has managed to rack up quite an impressive list of symptoms; hot flashes, extremely swollen, tender and painful breasts, bloating, headaches, cramping, back pain, sensitivity to smells, weird cravings for ice cream at all hours, constant urination…. it all looks good on paper, doesn’t it?

I want to jump for joy at every cramp and tight fitting article of clothing. I want to smile knowingly at the request for ice cream in bed at 10:00 this morning. I haven’t though. I know that all of those things can also be attributed to Follistim, hCG triggers and Prometrium. It’s really evil. Side effects should be banned.

There is part of me that is dying to know what is going on in there. I have always been a knowledge is power kind of girl. It is 9dpo on the left side and 8dpo for the  right. We are 10dp trigger. Testing is a lifetime away, it seems. That might be a good thing.

The other part of me wants to stay blissfully unaware. I can daydream ’till my heart is content without the cold, harsh reality of another stark white test intruding. I can imagine that S has our dream, our miracle, growing inside of her.

 I want more time to dream, wish and hope. I want to imagine the two pink lines and the digital shouting pregnant. I want to picture S growing bigger every month. I want to imagine the birth and how it will feel to hold our child for the first time. I want to dream the perfect dream awhile longer.

For the first time in my life I believe that a little ignorance is bliss.

Such a Good Girl Friday, Jul 25 2008 

I must take a moment to AW my very good behavior, so far. I am usually very preachy, Pollyanna, everything is a sign. While a little positivity is good in the TWW, I think mine was becoming saccharin, rather desperate. I imagine if I heard it on a recording I would sound tinny, shrill and full of panic. Not this time.

I have prepped the pineapple without much comment, poured the POM Juice without lecture and laid out the socks with minimal anecdotes. I murmured sympathetically at S’s painful breasts and said nary a word about it being a “good sign” when she whimpered in pain in the shower. I rubbed her aching back, removed the towel that she swore “smelled weird”, though freshly laundered, all without insisting that “this is it”. In a feat of Herculean strength I said a simple I am sorry honey, how uncomfortable, when she couldn’t zip her pants this morning. When she finally realized I wasn’t proclaiming a victory and questioned her symptoms, I simply said, Prometrium will do that to you.

I am trying so hard to avoid putting any pressure on her. I am trying so very hard to stay sane and normal. I am breathing in and out and not allowing myself to spiral into the TWW insanity. Deep down though, I know there is a huge ball of fear just waiting for the right time to appear. Calm on the outside, but aching on the inside.

We are Mothers without children and it hurts.

Fun With Hormones! Tuesday, Jul 22 2008 

SIGH… I just feel  like sighing, long and loud.

If the new fish and those very expensive eggs were going to meet they would have done so by now. Let me just say, because I have no problem bossing around the unborn or even the unconceived (yes, it’s my own special word), you all better have done your job in there.

S has been plagued by hideous hot flashes. She hasn’t really ever had any side effects so I think the impossible-to-cool heat came as a surprise. Tonight they tapered off and were replaced with extremely sore breasts. I shouldn’t laugh, but the poor thing could hardly cut her food at dinner. She said she would suffer through anything if it meant a baby was on the way.

Tonight’s news reported someone dumping a newborn in a trashcan and a another moron leaving his son in the car so he could go see a movie. I am usually a big believer in fate, destiny and things being as they should. I really do try to see the other side of things, put myself in their shoes.Tonight though, not so much. A perfect baby, in the trashcan? The freaking trash? A son crying in a locked car for hours so you can see Batman? It hurts me to the very bottom of my heart and on down to whatever is deeper than that.

My random PSA for the day: For those who are looking for a nice distraction, run to see Mamma Mia! You will be grinning from ear to ear. If you want an even better distraction, get the soundtrack and turn it up. Time flies when you are singing and dancing around the kitchen like a fool 🙂

Apologies! Sunday, Jul 20 2008 

I realize that my post the other day contained all kinds of profanity and nastiness. I should have put a warning it the title. I apologize for not warning you. I was just so incredibly upset, I didn’t think to do it.

14 Days Sunday, Jul 20 2008 

The 14 days, give or take, you have to wait to see if your dream has come true are some of the strangest I have ever spent. The first cycle was crazy, talk about symptoms, every twitch, tingle and itch was surely a sign. As the cycles have gone on we have become a bit more mellow, especially in the first week. We try not to read into everything but every now and then, the universe or your uterus, throws you a little something to fixate on. I am going to do my very best not to do that this time. Neither of us needs the extra stress or craziness. I am going to behave myself and wait patiently.

Who here believes me?

How do you stay sane in the TWW?

And Now We Wait Saturday, Jul 19 2008 

Well, it’s done. We got our back to back IUI’s and thank heavens because S had ovulated from one side between yesterday and today. We had much better numbers from the new bank. Iam so glad we found them!

Dr. M knew we were still upset and made it his business to be extra nice. He said it’s not over yet and not to stress out. He said his fingers were crossed for us. They had better be mister. He tried to make nice and I appreciate that he acknowledged how disappointed we were with his care.

What shocked me the most was that S, who is normally super pessimist to my absurd optimism, said she had a good feeling this time and was strangely calm on the way home. G-d I hope she is right.

Let the pineapple,  prometrium and POM juice begin!

Happy Friday, have a great weekend!

Today is the Big Day Thursday, Jul 17 2008 

IUI #5, here we come!

I managed to do the trigger shot and I have tracked the fish countless times. We should be right on track for our late afternoon appt. I am trying so hard to be positive and hopeful. Nothing can go wrong today, it just can’t. I am praying with all my heart that he didn’t miss ovulation, again and that this this is our lucky cycle.

Thank you all so much for your kindness, wonderful advice, prayers and well-wishes. Each one has made this excruciating cycle a little bit easier to stomach.

“Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.” Barbara De Angelis

This is a Nightmare Wednesday, Jul 16 2008 

I have finally managed to stop crying. If that doesn’t tell you how well our appt went today I don’t know what will.

Remember how Dr. M said he was trying to get us 4-8 follies and then changed to 4-6? Remember how we had 4 lovely follies gearing up for greatness on Saturday? Remember how he REFUSED to increase the meds? I sure do.

Today S’s lining was great, a promising start. He even seemed to be agreeable to b2b IUI’s. But then, it got kind of quiet. I started looking closer at the screen. We had lost a follie on the right. He was stammering and stuttering bs about it not being a “good egg” and how it was good that we lost it. I had had it. No, it is not good, we just spent thosuands of dollars to get what thirty dollars got us 5 months ago! He was taken aback but tried to cover by commenting on how the Clomid thinned her lining. Yeah, because you gave her Estrace too late to save it. He really didn’t have much to say, shocker.

He announced we will trigger tomorrow with and IUI on Thursday. Um, small problem asshole. You told us to have the sperm to you by Friday/Saturday, it won’t even arrive until noon on Thursday. At this point S and I were just staring at each other in total despair. He though he would be helpful and mention that he didn’t think she would ovulate early so Friday would be fine too. Yeah, you didn’t think that the last few times either.

He tried to make things better by spouting off facts and figures about better egg quality on injectables and if we got pregnant it would all be worth it. I yelled that is was a pretty big if! He tried so hard to talk me down but I refused to be soothed…. nothing he said mattered to me.

I finally asked if all the follies would be at least 16 before trigger. I told him we refused to trigger with anything less. He said one would be 20 and one at least 16. Umm…what about the third one? Well, it probably won’t be mature by trigger so really, we have two follies. At that point I burst into tears. I was so angry I thought I might actually slap him. S was crying, trying to calm me down while covering herself up. He finally said to get dressed and he would write down the schdule for the next few days.

The minute he left I started retching. I actually fell to my knees sobbing. I couldn’t belive we had spent all this money, energy and subjected S to nightly needles for two fucking follies. We both cried, me still on the floor, as she dressed and then cried all the way into an office so someone could show me how to stab my wife with that huge needle tomorrow night. Guess who? The 8 months pregnant nurse, that’s who. I cried even harder. I could hardly see what she was doing. It hurt so bad, still does.

As we set the appt for our IUI he came up and patted me on the shoulder and told me not to stress out about this. I glared at him while S had tears running down her face. He turned and said, if you mange to get the sperm here on Thursday, I’ll go ahead and accommodate you any way I can. I mumbled fuck you.

We are devastated beyond belief. I have to manage the trigger shot, I am so scared of doing that to her, pray that the sperm arrives on time, pray that she doesn’t ovulate early and that by some small miracle, this works.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t fathom going on after this mess. He has really ruined us; financially, spiritually and emotionally. I don’t think we will ever hold our baby. The only thing I have ever wanted to be is a Mommy.

What the hell do we do now?

“The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives and the dreams shall never die.” Edward Kennedy

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