S had agreed to the HSG and as we suspected, she was prefect. As a bonus it didn’t even really hurt her, just uncomfortable and freaky she reports.

We went ahead with another TI, hoping the HSG would be enough of a boost. We went back to our old donor using the last of our credit with that bank, but vowing to find a new one if we needed it. We also agreed to switch RE’s if this cycle failed.

We got a perfect +OPK on CD 12 and had our IUI scheduled with on call guy the next day. S was worried that he would be rough. He doesn’t look at all warm. We were pleasantly surprised. He was great. Kind, warm and confused by our failed cycles. He wouldn’t even defrost our sample until he checked her out. S had a perfect lining and a perfect follicle ready to go. We had much better post thaw numbers and everything went smoothly. He joked that he would show Dr.M a thing or two. Oh how we hoped so. Crinone in hand we went happily home so I could stuff S full of pineapple.

I had such high hopes for this cycle. I allowed myself to dream of our nursery, I saw the two pink lines, the doubling betas. I didn’t even let S mention the words negative or failure or next cycle. I was so sure this was it.

BFN.

This one sucked the worst of them all. I choked on grief all weekend long. We are baffled, utterly confused, heartbroken and miserable. S actually cried when AF arrived today. She feels like a failure and nothing I say helps. It hurts to see her hurting. It hurts to have empty arms and broken dreams.

Where do we go from here? Well, we don’t have time for the new RE since we are already on CD1. We have decided to change banks and therefore donors.

Our Re was genuinely sorry when he called today. He knows how much money we have spent and how upset we are. I know he knows that two of those cycles failed because his office screwed up. I am pretty sure he knows I want to wring his neck.

He agreed that the new bank is better and a donor switch is a great plan. He finally, finally, agreed to injectables plus a trigger and better monitoring. He values his neck I suppose.

CD 3 ultrasound to determine stims start is on Wednesday. We managed to come up with the huge chunk of money, we don’t really have, to spend on new fish that must fly across the country. We just need to pray that it begins to rain Follistim sometime bewtween now and Wednesday. I haven’t a clue how we will swing this but I have faith, as always.

Our dream will come true.

“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” Shel Silverstein

Up next, IUI# 5, Follistim, trigger, aspirin, progesterone, new donor

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