After the last failed cycle our RE suggested an HSG. We all knew he was reaching but figured it couldn’t hurt. S was so worn out and angry and feeling so bad about herself. I told her we could stop, that I could try, whatever she wanted went. So much of our frustration came from the fact that 2of 3 cycles were mismanaged. It added insult to injury.

What S wanted was nothing to to with dear old RE for a bit. She wanted to try at home, low-key, mellow. She fantasized about telling him that her wife could geT her pregnant but he couldn’t.

We ordered up new fish froma new donor and waited for the smiley face. When it arrived we were thrilled but I was nervous as hell. I had timers, water baths and two different thermometers. I had a pillow stack of epic proportions prepared and gloves at the ready.

Up billowed the smoke, out came the cane and into the water bath the vial went. I worried about the temp drop but figured at least I wasn’t frying them. I gently mixed the vial and flipped the top. I drew the contents into the syringe and promptly freaked out. I mean totally freaked out. I was scared to death.

I am not sure what happened in that moment but I had a total meltdown. It’s embarassing but true. I was worried I had ruined the sample, that I wouldn’t do it right, that I would hurt her. I stood in our bathroom syringe full of gross slime and started to cry. My fantastic S climbed down from her pillow mountain to try to snap me out of it. By then I was hyperventilating, sobbing and saying I was going to throw away the fish, I was sure I had ruined them. I was really unhinged . She had to blow on my face to get me to take a breath.

I will never know what happened that night, why I reacted the way I did. I wish I understood. I finally calmed down enough to do the insem. We laughed that this cycle would surely work since it was such a comedy of errors.

BFN.

I blamed myself, still do.

Next up, IUI#4!

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