I am the fixer. Always have been. It’s just who I am. If something is wrong or broken I am compelled to find a way to fix it.

Tomorrow is our first follie check and S is really scared. She is so worried that there won’t be any eggs, or that there will be too many and we will have to do IVF to save the cycle. She is terrified nothing will work. She feels guilty. She knows we agreed to have her go first because she was the “easy” one. She knows that every month that we get a BFN means a dozen more before I can even try.

I can’t fix any of that. I assure her I don’t blame her. I remind her how perfectly she has responded every time. I tell her we will find a way to do IVF if she over stims, I assure her this is our time. I know she appreciates the love and support but I know my wife. She is hurting on the inside, where I can’t hug it or kiss it away. I can’t fix any of this and that kills me. And now both of us feel like we have failed the other.

Our appointment is less than 12 hours away. Half of me wants it to be here now, to know what is going on in there. The other half would like to stay blissfully unaware. I want so much for everything to be okay tomorrow, our first hurdle.

I want my wife, whom I love more than words can say, to feel that our dreams are about to come true, all because of her.

“Happy are those who dream dreams and are willing to pay the price to make them come true.” Anonymous

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