Do you remember when you were little and said that you hated someone? You were always admonished that you “didn’t hate” the person, you were just angry, upset etc. Well, I am all grown-up and there aren’t any teachers around and I need to get this out so…

I HATE YOU Dr. M! I REALLY REALLY HATE YOU! I think you are a pompous ass who cannot handle a woman questioning your methods. You do not have our best interests in mind and I wish we had never come to see you. I think you are a crappy RE with a shitty track record and belong back in school where you can learn what every other RE on Earth already knows and brush up on your people skills to boot. Screw you!

Okay, so, Saturdays appointment clearly did not go well. On CD 1 when we spoke to Dr. M he said he wanted to do 250IU of Follistim with a target of 4-8 follies at trigger. 8 may seem high but given that we had at least 3 on our Clomid cycle he really wanted to up our chances. We were both pleased that he was finally being aggressive. At the CD 3 U/S he said 150IU of Follistim and 4-6. He did agree that depending on the CD 6 U/S we could up the dose, the step-up protocol.

Saturday brought us 4 follies, 2 on each side with the larger ones on the left. We were a little disappointed, mainly because for thirty dollars worth of Clomid we had at least 3 so why spend thousands for only one more follie? We could have just upped the Clomid. Dr. M said that depending on her blood work results he would up her dose and try to get us to 6. We waited and waited.. no call. S callled him and left a really heartfelt message; this may be our last shot at this, we need every follie  we can get, we know the risk of HOM but given our track record don’t feel that is an issue. What were my numbers from today? Oh, we would like to do back to back IUI’s as well, just to cover all the bases.

His message: NO. Your numbers are perfect ( never mind that “perfect” is not a freaking answer) I will see if I feel a need for a second IUI later this week. Umm.. where was the explanation, the reassurance that she didn’t need more? Something other than no. Tell her something so she won’t worry. She was upset but more embarrassed I think. Rejected by the RE. What an ass. I was so angry I thought I might vomit.

After that we thought some retail therapy might perk us up. While S looked for tops I found myself face to face with the baby section. I hadn’t planned on walking that way, it just happened. I wandered amongst the rounders and racks. I touched the softest blankets and smiled at the adorable outfits and wrinkled my nose at the seriously heinous ones. I was doing okay until I found myself face to face with the most adorable thing I have ever seen. I usually don’t go for the whole little girls in pink but… oh my. It was the tiniest Ralph Lauren Polo dress, complete with tennis pleats and a plaid collar. All ready for the country club. I started to tear up, I willed myself to let go of it but I couldn’t. S found me there a few mins later. She hates pink but was moved by this little dress all the same. We both stood there, each holding a pleat , eyes shimmering, and hoping with all our hearts for our dream to come true. My dear friend is expecting a baby girl in a few months. We bought the dress for her.

For those wondering how the Follistim is going, I would say pretty well. The shots do not hurt, S says. She has been tired and had some headaches but nothing much else. She usually bruises easily but only has one small mark so far. She is an amazing woman and so much stronger than she knows. I love her so much.

Our next follie check is on Tuesday. I am praying that two more magically appear by then. I am praying for patience, calm and grace when face to face with Dr. M.

“Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there’s a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living.” Anonymous

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