I have finally managed to stop crying. If that doesn’t tell you how well our appt went today I don’t know what will.

Remember how Dr. M said he was trying to get us 4-8 follies and then changed to 4-6? Remember how we had 4 lovely follies gearing up for greatness on Saturday? Remember how he REFUSED to increase the meds? I sure do.

Today S’s lining was great, a promising start. He even seemed to be agreeable to b2b IUI’s. But then, it got kind of quiet. I started looking closer at the screen. We had lost a follie on the right. He was stammering and stuttering bs about it not being a “good egg” and how it was good that we lost it. I had had it. No, it is not good, we just spent thosuands of dollars to get what thirty dollars got us 5 months ago! He was taken aback but tried to cover by commenting on how the Clomid thinned her lining. Yeah, because you gave her Estrace too late to save it. He really didn’t have much to say, shocker.

He announced we will trigger tomorrow with and IUI on Thursday. Um, small problem asshole. You told us to have the sperm to you by Friday/Saturday, it won’t even arrive until noon on Thursday. At this point S and I were just staring at each other in total despair. He though he would be helpful and mention that he didn’t think she would ovulate early so Friday would be fine too. Yeah, you didn’t think that the last few times either.

He tried to make things better by spouting off facts and figures about better egg quality on injectables and if we got pregnant it would all be worth it. I yelled that is was a pretty big if! He tried so hard to talk me down but I refused to be soothed…. nothing he said mattered to me.

I finally asked if all the follies would be at least 16 before trigger. I told him we refused to trigger with anything less. He said one would be 20 and one at least 16. Umm…what about the third one? Well, it probably won’t be mature by trigger so really, we have two follies. At that point I burst into tears. I was so angry I thought I might actually slap him. S was crying, trying to calm me down while covering herself up. He finally said to get dressed and he would write down the schdule for the next few days.

The minute he left I started retching. I actually fell to my knees sobbing. I couldn’t belive we had spent all this money, energy and subjected S to nightly needles for two fucking follies. We both cried, me still on the floor, as she dressed and then cried all the way into an office so someone could show me how to stab my wife with that huge needle tomorrow night. Guess who? The 8 months pregnant nurse, that’s who. I cried even harder. I could hardly see what she was doing. It hurt so bad, still does.

As we set the appt for our IUI he came up and patted me on the shoulder and told me not to stress out about this. I glared at him while S had tears running down her face. He turned and said, if you mange to get the sperm here on Thursday, I’ll go ahead and accommodate you any way I can. I mumbled fuck you.

We are devastated beyond belief. I have to manage the trigger shot, I am so scared of doing that to her, pray that the sperm arrives on time, pray that she doesn’t ovulate early and that by some small miracle, this works.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t fathom going on after this mess. He has really ruined us; financially, spiritually and emotionally. I don’t think we will ever hold our baby. The only thing I have ever wanted to be is a Mommy.

What the hell do we do now?

“The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives and the dreams shall never die.” Edward Kennedy

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