I have become a tightrope walker this past week. I am carefully walking the thin line between being realistic and positive. I didn’t think it would be so hard. I was doing so well, until I saw the tears.

I found S crying last night. What if it didn’t work was all she said. I started to say of course it worked but she cut me off. You always say that. OUCH. It’s true though. I always say it worked. I guess I think the more I say it the more it will be true. I climbed up on the tightrope and began to walk.

Somehow I managed to be positive and encouraging without promising anything. Somehow I tempered the excitement of a host of symptoms with the reality that meds do have side effects. I think I did okay. I managed to stay up until the tears stopped.

S has managed to rack up quite an impressive list of symptoms; hot flashes, extremely swollen, tender and painful breasts, bloating, headaches, cramping, back pain, sensitivity to smells, weird cravings for ice cream at all hours, constant urination…. it all looks good on paper, doesn’t it?

I want to jump for joy at every cramp and tight fitting article of clothing. I want to smile knowingly at the request for ice cream in bed at 10:00 this morning. I haven’t though. I know that all of those things can also be attributed to Follistim, hCG triggers and Prometrium. It’s really evil. Side effects should be banned.

There is part of me that is dying to know what is going on in there. I have always been a knowledge is power kind of girl. It is 9dpo on the left side and 8dpo for the  right. We are 10dp trigger. Testing is a lifetime away, it seems. That might be a good thing.

The other part of me wants to stay blissfully unaware. I can daydream ’till my heart is content without the cold, harsh reality of another stark white test intruding. I can imagine that S has our dream, our miracle, growing inside of her.

 I want more time to dream, wish and hope. I want to imagine the two pink lines and the digital shouting pregnant. I want to picture S growing bigger every month. I want to imagine the birth and how it will feel to hold our child for the first time. I want to dream the perfect dream awhile longer.

For the first time in my life I believe that a little ignorance is bliss.

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