I want to thank you all so much for your advice and wisdom. Your comments really helped both us feel better during the pink freak out. I almost feel like we should have Team Implantation t-shirts made. 🙂

The heart-stopping pinkish/brownish spotting has stopped, thank G-d. Dr. Oncall never bothered to return our call and Dr. M was (surprise, surprise) not worried. He did say it could have been implantation and he wouldn’t worry unless it becomes a full flow. DUH. Nothing gets by that Dr. M, does it?

Whatever happens next will happen, no matter what I do or don’t do. Whatever was meant to be was decided almost two weeks ago. Did the new fish and eggies even meet up? I wish I knew. In fact, I think there should be a way to test for this. If there was no meet up you can mourn the cycle and skip the heinous TWW. If they did, you have some solid hope in the TWW.

It’s a bitter pill for me to swallow. I am always the fixer, the I can make it happen girl. It’s not even my body and here I am trying to control what it does. I sat down and made a calendar of everything we have done this cycle, all the little tricks. It’s scary but it was all done happily (mostly) by my wife. 

My heart aches. I want to know but I don’t. I cannot sleep. I even bit off all my pretty fingernails. I keep wondering if there was anything else I could have, should have, done. I want so much for this to work. Aside from the obvious reason, I want it to work so S feels confident in her body again. I want to know we were successful despite the idiotic Dr. M. I want to know all our prayers, energy and crazy tricks were not in vain, that the universe heard us, that our child heard us.

 I am usually okay with waiting, maybe a little wired by the end of the TWW. This time though, I am officially unhinged. There is nothing to do but wait, wish, hope and pray.

It’s killing me.

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.”~Tolstoy

Advertisements