Sadness Sunday, Aug 31 2008 

I am so very sad. There are so many in blogland experiencing heartbreaking losses right now. I hurt for them and send them all my love and support but know it will never be enough to bring back what they lost. It is painfully unfair and I am so sorry.

Here We Go Monday, Aug 25 2008 

CD1 is upon us, and a week early to boot. Oy.

S has decided to stay with Dr. M this cycle. It’s her body so her choice. It really does say something that the mere thought of walking into his office fills me with dread, yes?

I am trying very hard to start off this cycle with good thoughts and positivity, even a bit of trust in Dr. M. I am just kind of tired. I feel drained and worry creeps into everything I do. The finish line seems so far away. I know it does for S too. She is not looking forward to this again. I can’t really blame her. Last cycle was heartbreaking every step of the way.

I will gather my strength and courage, enough for the both of us, and do my best to get us there.

Here we go again. Cycle 7 lucky 7?

“…It’s not how many times you’ve been knocked down, it’s how many times you get back up. Courage is when you’ve lost your way but you found your strength anyway.” The Strange Familiar

Confession Wednesday, Aug 20 2008 

I have been MIA because of guilt. I am the queen of worry and feeling guilty, if it were an Olympic sport I would be Phelps.

Why such guilt you ask? Well, we are on a  forced break this month. I expected to be really angry at a wasted month. Instead, I am loving the break. It is so nice not having shots, pills, ultrasounds and the ugly worry that comes during the TWW. I relish our free time, uncluttered medicine cabinet and the lightness that comes without worry and heartache.

 I feel awful, like somehow a month without torture equals not really committing to this child. How dumb is that? I know it’s dumb. I know it’s okay to take a moment to breathe. Still, I can’t shake the guilt. UGH.

The break will be over soon enough. I should take comfort that very soon I will be back on the psychotic merry-go-round that is TTC 🙂

I am already taking deep breaths and preparing for what I know will be a tough cycle. S has lost all faith in everything. I know she dreads the shots and vag cam appointments. I know she dreads another chemical pregnancy. I know that being pregnant or holding our baby seems impossible to her.

I still have faith though. It’s been shaken, dented and dinged, but it’s still there. I close my eyes and see our dream coming true. No matter what we have to go through to make it happen, we will find a way, we always do.

That is what faith is all about.

Happy Anniversary! Tuesday, Aug 12 2008 

Today is our anniversary. We are celebrating by getting married again, legally, tonight!

We didn’t realize our Rabbi’s email had been lost until last nightso… only a few hours to prepare. I truly haven’t anything to wear and we will only have time to grab a good friend as our witness.

Honestly, we had the big wedding last year and I was miserable. I worried so much I made myself sick and look pinched and nervous in every photo. Tonight is just about us, renewing the promise and loving one another. No nerves, no fuss, just love.

Getting our license was such a joy this morning. There was a gay couple next to us and we all just stood there smiling at each other, equality will do that to you.

Happy Anniversary my beautiful wife. I love you and know all of our dreams will come true. There is no one on Earth I would rather share my life with. You are a gift.

What is Wrong With Me? Friday, Aug 8 2008 

Okay, before you all go making lists, let me just say that I cry easily these days. I do not know what is wrong with me.

Everything makes me cry lately; the expired sour cream in our fridge made me cry, commercials make me cry. I just cry in little bursts and then am okay a few minutes later.

I am tired, I am indecisive, easily irritated and just plain over everything. I am hungry but nothing sounds good. I want to cook but can’t seem to find the energy. I should be applying for jobs but can’t bring myself to do it. I have a million things to do around the house but I can’t make myself do any of them. WTF?

I am so pitiful right now.

When you are in a slump how do you pull yourself out of it? Any helpful hints would be appreciated. I need to perk up!

A Little Pregnant Sunday, Aug 3 2008 

Apparently, S was pregnant, even if for just a day or two. A chemical pregnancy for us this cycle. Her beta had already fallen to around 5, the blood is here full force. There was nothing we could do, but don’t think for one crazy moment I didn’t think it could magically double. Given what happened last cycle, very early breakthrough bleeding and a cyst,  it looks like last month may have been a chemical pregnancy too.

The optimist in me immediately thought it was good that at least we knew S could get pregnant. I tried so hard to convince myself she would be comforted  by that in some small way.  All this time she was thinking she was doing something wrong, that she was somehow failing. I was right for about ten minutes. Then reality set in. Our dream had come true but had only stayed alive for just a little bit. Seeing a stark white pregnancy test and the obnoxious Not Pregnant on a digital is pretty painful but a toilet bowl full of what could have been is really, really heartbreaking.

I tried to spoil her today, pedicures, fun lunch out, lots of love and comforting words. At some point she looked at me and said,” I am sorry I lost our baby.” I can’t tell you how much that hurt. She says she knows she couldn’t have done anything any better but I know it is painful for her in ways I cannot understand.

We had previous plans to see my mom today. She knew something was wrong the second she saw us, but I didn’t say anything. The temptation was huge though. I wanted nothing more than to run crying to my mommy like a little girl and beg her to fix it. I remember when I was little my mom could fix anything. I don’t know how she did it but I wish she still could.

We are on a forced break for a month. The cyst has to resolve and S needs a break, physically and emotionally. We are going to use this time to regroup and decide what to do next. We want to change doctors but Dr. M is trying to lure us back with the promise of free meds and reduced fees. Kind of tempting… we’ll see. For now we are going to try to enjoy a little freedom; no shots, vag cam dates, peeing on assorted sticks.

I will continue to wish, hope and pray. I know one day we will hold our baby.

Dr. M (aka Birth Control )Listened!!! Saturday, Aug 2 2008 

Dr. M insisted we come and see him today. We were in no mood and were watching our friends  daughter for the day, but we went anyway. I felt so guilty about having a child in the RE’s office. I hate when other people do that but Ididn’t have much of a choice. I rushed her in, sat her in the farthest, darkest corner and stood in front of her the whole time. I still felt like a jerk.

I think he was ready for some hostility, tears or anger from me but I threw him off by staying absurdly calm. I like to keep him guessing 🙂 They made S take a pg test, the third negative of the day. I asked about a beta but he dismissed me, until he saw the U/S. S’s lining is a 9+, hardly the lining of a woman with AF. He agreed that AF breaking through prometrium this early was very odd. He said that he would do the beta, just to be sure. He said he expects a negative. Gee, thanks. At least he finally listened to us. It only took 6 months! In all honesty, we know it will be negative but some explanation is needed. Maybe the blood work will help us find our answer.

Apparently S has a CL cyst that will probably not go away by CD3. We can aspirate it or sit out a month. He wants us to sit out a month. UGH. He swears he will be aggressive with meds, even give us some meds to save us some money. He will up her Prometriumto 3x per day. He didn’t even charge us for today’s visit. It’s nice that he is trying but it might be too little too late. We haven’t made up our minds about anything yet. It all feels a bit overwhelming right now. What would you do?

We are just waiting for confirmation of a negative beta now. We have cried it all out and now just feel really tired and in need of ice cream.

I am always amazed at the range of emotions we can have in such a short period of time. From scared to hopeful to devastated in just a day or so. I think all of this has taught me that my faith in the power of our dreams cannot be broken. I know I falter a bit during bad moments but I always bounce back. No one, not even Dr. M, will keep us from becoming mommies. I won’t let it happen.

The New Math Friday, Aug 1 2008 

 

THIS:

Follistim, hCG trigger, back to back IUI’s, green tea, eggs, aspirin, pineapple, POM Juice, rose quartz, fertility charm, Egg McMuffin, socks, red warming foods, Prometrium, prayer, visualization techniques

PLUS THIS:

Hot flashes, swollen painful breasts, nausea, bloating, headaches, back pain, frequent urination, ice cream and hamburger cravings, implantation day spotting, dizzy spells, exhaustion

EQUALS THIS:

This Sucks 
AND THIS:
 
I can’t describe the heartache. It hurts so much.
G-d and I are in a big fight today.
Dr. M ( from here on out known as Birth Control) is insisting on seeing us today. Who will help post bail? 🙂
 

I Think It’s Over Friday, Aug 1 2008 

I am pretty sure it’s over. S had a lot of pink, almost red, spotting this afternoon. It’s freaking CD24, on Prometrium. WTF?? I am beyond sick.

She called Dr. M who said the following:

I know H is extremely disappointed in how this cycle has gone. I think she has lost faith in the process and in me. (S stayed silent to confirm) Hey, congrats Dr. M, you have won the understatement of the year award. Enjoy. Oh, and bonus points for implying my lack of faith contributed to this disaster.

It’s possible your progesterone is low.I have been telling you this for months asshat, why haven’t you been testing her like I asked you too?

No, a beta isn’t necessary. If a + doesn’t register on a HPT it isn’t a viable pregnancy. test tonight.UM, bullshit. How many low beta stories have we all heard? You just don’t want to deal with a  c/p.

We could move to IVF, but I was hoping to avoid that. Yeah, us too Mr. S should have no problem getting pregnant, let her go first.

We can always try with H. As if I would let you anywhere near my body.

We can try again with injectables. I will be very aggressive and even ask my nurses to put away some meds for you. I appreciate the thought but I was pretty sure we told you that this was our last shot for a loooong time. Why didn’t you do your best this time?

 I am just sitting here crying and waiting for S to come home. I am just not sure this is going to happen for us. I feel like we have had the worst care by Dr. M and that I was bullied into believing it would be easier if S went first. Every month we fail breaks her heart. She is convinced there is something wrong with her. It hurts me to see her like that.

I am so angry. I want to scream and throw things but I don’t have the energy. I should talk it out but no one knows IRL. I feel totally alone.  I’ll just sit and cry and pray for a miracle. I don’t know what else to do.