Apparently, S was pregnant, even if for just a day or two. A chemical pregnancy for us this cycle. Her beta had already fallen to around 5, the blood is here full force. There was nothing we could do, but don’t think for one crazy moment I didn’t think it could magically double. Given what happened last cycle, very early breakthrough bleeding and a cyst,  it looks like last month may have been a chemical pregnancy too.

The optimist in me immediately thought it was good that at least we knew S could get pregnant. I tried so hard to convince myself she would be comforted  by that in some small way.  All this time she was thinking she was doing something wrong, that she was somehow failing. I was right for about ten minutes. Then reality set in. Our dream had come true but had only stayed alive for just a little bit. Seeing a stark white pregnancy test and the obnoxious Not Pregnant on a digital is pretty painful but a toilet bowl full of what could have been is really, really heartbreaking.

I tried to spoil her today, pedicures, fun lunch out, lots of love and comforting words. At some point she looked at me and said,” I am sorry I lost our baby.” I can’t tell you how much that hurt. She says she knows she couldn’t have done anything any better but I know it is painful for her in ways I cannot understand.

We had previous plans to see my mom today. She knew something was wrong the second she saw us, but I didn’t say anything. The temptation was huge though. I wanted nothing more than to run crying to my mommy like a little girl and beg her to fix it. I remember when I was little my mom could fix anything. I don’t know how she did it but I wish she still could.

We are on a forced break for a month. The cyst has to resolve and S needs a break, physically and emotionally. We are going to use this time to regroup and decide what to do next. We want to change doctors but Dr. M is trying to lure us back with the promise of free meds and reduced fees. Kind of tempting… we’ll see. For now we are going to try to enjoy a little freedom; no shots, vag cam dates, peeing on assorted sticks.

I will continue to wish, hope and pray. I know one day we will hold our baby.

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