I have been MIA because of guilt. I am the queen of worry and feeling guilty, if it were an Olympic sport I would be Phelps.

Why such guilt you ask? Well, we are on a  forced break this month. I expected to be really angry at a wasted month. Instead, I am loving the break. It is so nice not having shots, pills, ultrasounds and the ugly worry that comes during the TWW. I relish our free time, uncluttered medicine cabinet and the lightness that comes without worry and heartache.

 I feel awful, like somehow a month without torture equals not really committing to this child. How dumb is that? I know it’s dumb. I know it’s okay to take a moment to breathe. Still, I can’t shake the guilt. UGH.

The break will be over soon enough. I should take comfort that very soon I will be back on the psychotic merry-go-round that is TTC 🙂

I am already taking deep breaths and preparing for what I know will be a tough cycle. S has lost all faith in everything. I know she dreads the shots and vag cam appointments. I know she dreads another chemical pregnancy. I know that being pregnant or holding our baby seems impossible to her.

I still have faith though. It’s been shaken, dented and dinged, but it’s still there. I close my eyes and see our dream coming true. No matter what we have to go through to make it happen, we will find a way, we always do.

That is what faith is all about.

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