When It Rains, It Pours Wednesday, Sep 24 2008 

I used to complain about how bored I was, how nothing interesting ever happened. I longed for a bit of excitement….. never again.

Let me give you some background info. I have been out of work for a few months. Even though it has sucked financially for my mental health, it was a gift. At the time we considered taking a  TTCbreak but crunched numbers and decided to continue. We assumed I would find a new job and we knew our housing situation was stable.

Well, finding a job has been nearly impossible. This hasn’t helped the stress levels much  and meant that if S decided to take a break from TTC I couldn’t begin so a total break would be in effect. The thought of all those wasted eggs and fertile months scared us so we continued.

In the middle of job hunting and IUI-ing we got the horrifying news that we had to move. How I wish I could tell you the details, it’s appalling and probably illegal but we are out of energy to fight anyone.

So, to recap, no job for me, no house for us and we hear this news at 7DPO. Oy vey. Minor hysteria, lots of crying and carbs. I even sent a desperate email to our Rabbi demanding to know what G-d was thinking. A very bad week.

We began the search for a new apartment and found mostly crap. I was getting so discouraged and, since no one knows we are TTC, hearing lots of well a one bedroom if you have to for now. Double oy vey.

We were really in a bad place but something told us to get up and go look a little further west. It’s a beautiful city and while we go there to shop we hadn’t considered living there, until we toured some properties. BEAUTIFUL! Peaceful, spacious. We were hooked.

We applied and are waiting to hear if it’s ours or not. The good news, S will make more money if we move there and I can focus my job hunt to our actual neighborhood. Even better, it’s plenty big should a baby decide to join us.

It dawned on me that all these months of utter crap might have been leading us here. Somewhere we would be a lot happier, have a lot more room and enjoy our home for a change. Maybe this is why I didn’t find a job out here, maybe this is why the past cycles ended the way they did. Maybe, just maybe, things are looking up.

I am praying we will get accepted, I know if we do everything else will fall into place. We should hear sometime today.

BTW, it’s CD 31 and no sign of you know who. Even on progesterone supps S has never had a cycle last this long. It was a late O so we aren’t testing yet. For now we are just saying that it’s “interesting”.

No matter what happens, the next few weeks are going to be a rollercoaster ride.

If you have any prayers, apartment/job/baby dust, good thoughts etc. to spare I will gladly take them.

Rosh Hashanah is a few days away, it would be a blessing to start the New Year with such joyful, hopeful hearts.

So Now We Wait and Pray Monday, Sep 15 2008 

Today’s IUI went well. The bonus follie ovulated as well as the original. One on each side.I am all about balance! The third, or miracle, follie grew  a little more overnight and Dr. M felt pretty sure that it would release as well.

The better news? A fourth follie was discovered today. It may not be big enough to release with a natural surge but just the fact that it was there and had grown was great news for us. S felt really good, like her body was finally cooperating.

We have socks, pineapple and POM on board as well as a combo of Estrace, baby aspirin, Crinone and progesterone capsules. There are a host of photos or drawings of fertility goddesses hanging over our bed and we have added gemstone therapy this time around. S will also eat the traditional McMuffin at implantation. All bases have been covered I would say.

Thank you for all your support and encouragement. It means so much to the both of us. I hope with all our crazy tricks and your great energy I will have some great news to report in a few weeks.

Some Good News Sunday, Sep 14 2008 

I bet you thought you were lost for a minute!

Yes, this is the right blog, just with actual good news for a change.

Our last visit revealed a crappy lining and only one follie responding to a combination of Clomid and Follistim. We were instructed to wait for a +OPK and trigger if we didn’t get that by Saturday.

S started to surge on her own yesterday so no trigger shot was needed, first bit of good news. Then, Dr. M squeezed us in today for the IUI because he was worried her surge would be short again. I didn’t even have to ask or argue. More good news.

Then, the ultrasound revealed a much improved lining, not perfect but much much better. Dr. M told us to keep S on the Estrace, no arguing or questioning again. Whoo hoo!

We saw the one perfect follie ready to burst at 22, up from 15.5 the other day. But then we got the best surprise of all. Somehow, that little pitiful 9-10mm follie had blossomed into a 22!!! Bonus follie, YAY! Even more amazing, the third sad follie had increased to a 16! Dr. M felt there was such a good chance of it being mature by tomorrow that he offered to do another IUI for us on  Sunday. He is coming in just for us!

So, we will end up with at least two, possibly three follies and back to back IUI’s this time around. He is keeping her on Estrace and is adding a funky cocktail of progesterone’s two to three times a day to keep her LP nice and long.

He said he is rooting for us and doing all he can to make this a success. I believe him this time.

I know anything can happen but that little bit of unexpected news is good enough for right now. 

I think I will be able to sleep tonight, for the first time in a long time.

Remember Thursday, Sep 11 2008 

Today is for remembering.

Hold those you love extra close and never be afraid to say I love you.

Mostly Bad News Thursday, Sep 11 2008 

Okay, so that didn’t go too well.

In a nutshell; S had DOR-diminished ovarian reserve. She is not in POF-premature ovarian failure, which is good. We will never get great numbers of follies from her, not even using IVF, which is bad.

Her lining was 4.5, very very very bad and one of the three follies had grown after 5days of Follistim very very very very bad.

Dr. M was incredibly nice, sympathetic and patient. He believes S needs a break, either entirely or just from stimulated cycles. (Anyone need Follistim?) He thinks her stress level is out of control and, while not the reason she isn’t getting pregnant, is a big factor in why her cycles are getting so short and screwy. He suggested switching to me or just doing timed insemination’s if this cycle doesn’t work. He says she is just programmed this way. My eyes filled up and voice cracked, can’t you reprogram her? He looked genuinely sorry that he couldn’t. He even gifted us our hcg today.

We have doubled the Estrace and will trigger Saturday night if S doesn’t get a+OPK before then. He thinks the one good follie is worth trying with.

S is pretty upset. She feels broken and angry. It is true that Dr. M should have found all of this before cycle 7 but we can hardly go back in time. I was pretty upset at first too. But then I found myself relieved.

We hadn’t done anything wrong, missed any steps. Knowing we don’t need to stress about monitoring, shots and medication costs is kind of freeing. Not having expectations that can never be met is kind of nice too. We will just use OPK’s and have a single IUI until we decide to switch to me.

I am sad but relieved, scared but hopeful. I want so much for this to work for us but especially for S. I don’t want her to feel like she won’t ever get to carry and birth a biological child. It would break her heart and mine along with it.

This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. Nothing is the way it should be and I am the saddest I have ever been and the most lost I have ever felt.

I have my game face on for S though, she needs me.

We need a miracle this cycle. I want to see my wife smile again.

Did We Fix It? Wednesday, Sep 10 2008 

Tomorrow we find out if the Follistim helped save this cycle.

This will sound awful. I feel awful typing it.

I don’t want to know. I don’t want to go. I want nothing to do with tomorrow.

I cannot take anymore bad news, disappointment or failure. I really can’t. It’s not just TTC that has driven me to the edge, it feels like everything is a mess. I’ll spare you the details but, you would hard pressed to tell me otherwise.

I just need something, a sign, something to remind me that this too shall pass, that things will get better. 

I need something good to happen, desperately.

I’ll be there tomorrow, heart in my throat.

Seriously?!?!?!?! Saturday, Sep 6 2008 

Okay, I give the F*ck up. I am waving the white flag.

Today we had an U/S to see what we had brewing in there. In the first 10 seconds I knew we had a problem. Dr. M’s brow furrowed and he he said you are taking Estrace, right? Your lining is still really thin. ( It was so bad he didn’t even tell us the number )

Okay, thin lining’s can be perked up. However, it was very strange given we started the Estrace a full day early this cycle and we have been adding home remedies to combat this. Next we heard the cyst is completely resolved, good news. But then the brow furrowed up again.

Of the 4 antral follies we found on CD2 3 are developing. Sounds good, right? Nope. As of today, CD13, they are 10’s and 9’s. Not even half of what they need to be on a Clomid cycle. WTF?

Even Dr. M was baffled. He actually sighed and sat down on a chair. She is a tough one he says. The he tells us we have two possibilities; one, this cycle is a bust=no response or two, we wait and see if they grow. Then he did something interesting. He looked directly at me and waited, saying nothing.

You gotta love the guy. He knew that I wasn’t going for either of those so he just waited to see what I would ask for instead. It was kind of amusing. I told him we didn’t want to waste the 3 follies we had and asked if we could add in some Follistim to boost them. No joke people, he smiled then laughed and said he considered suggesting that but wasn’t sure how we would react to more injectables. I can’t decide if he is afraid of me, hates me or respects that fact that I have done my homework. The plus side, he gave us 300IU of Follistim, our gift with visit, like the Lancome counter.

We do 100IU of Follistim a night until Wednesday when we have yet another vag cam viewing. He has us injecting on the upper/outer arm this time so I have to give S the shots every night. Good times.

I am staying pretty calm as is S but I am really ready to say F*uck it. No matter what we do or don’t do we get screwed every cycle. Miss perfect cyle is now a medical mystery! It’s not her fault, I know she is confused and frustrated too.

Maybe the universe is telling us to give it up already.

If you pray or send good vibes and have any to spare, please send us some good thoughts for Wednesdays scan. I really really really need to hear some good news. Thanks

The Fish Have Landed Thursday, Sep 4 2008 

Our newest donor’s fish have landed safely at our lab. Sadly we had to change again after our last one became inactive rather suddenly. How rude!

I admit this wasn’t my top pick but after listening to the audio and checking into his heritage more I feel better about the choice. He is intelligent and  seems like a nice enough guy. He has the right background and passed all tests with flying colors. I guess that is all we can ask for. My wife reminded me that, after I said he sounded a bit reserved, any child raised by me would have plenty of personality and spunk. Aww, so sweet.

Now we wait for the all important +OPK. If we don’t have one by Friday we will go for an U/S and possible trigger. S, once again, managed to avoid a single side effect of Clomid. We have been doing all kinds of home remedies to reduce the chances of a thin lining coupled with Estrace.

I am hoping for very good things this time around.