Okay, so that didn’t go too well.

In a nutshell; S had DOR-diminished ovarian reserve. She is not in POF-premature ovarian failure, which is good. We will never get great numbers of follies from her, not even using IVF, which is bad.

Her lining was 4.5, very very very bad and one of the three follies had grown after 5days of Follistim very very very very bad.

Dr. M was incredibly nice, sympathetic and patient. He believes S needs a break, either entirely or just from stimulated cycles. (Anyone need Follistim?) He thinks her stress level is out of control and, while not the reason she isn’t getting pregnant, is a big factor in why her cycles are getting so short and screwy. He suggested switching to me or just doing timed insemination’s if this cycle doesn’t work. He says she is just programmed this way. My eyes filled up and voice cracked, can’t you reprogram her? He looked genuinely sorry that he couldn’t. He even gifted us our hcg today.

We have doubled the Estrace and will trigger Saturday night if S doesn’t get a+OPK before then. He thinks the one good follie is worth trying with.

S is pretty upset. She feels broken and angry. It is true that Dr. M should have found all of this before cycle 7 but we can hardly go back in time. I was pretty upset at first too. But then I found myself relieved.

We hadn’t done anything wrong, missed any steps. Knowing we don’t need to stress about monitoring, shots and medication costs is kind of freeing. Not having expectations that can never be met is kind of nice too. We will just use OPK’s and have a single IUI until we decide to switch to me.

I am sad but relieved, scared but hopeful. I want so much for this to work for us but especially for S. I don’t want her to feel like she won’t ever get to carry and birth a biological child. It would break her heart and mine along with it.

This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. Nothing is the way it should be and I am the saddest I have ever been and the most lost I have ever felt.

I have my game face on for S though, she needs me.

We need a miracle this cycle. I want to see my wife smile again.

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