Don’t Forget To Vote Thursday, Oct 30 2008 

EQUALITY IS FOR EVERYONE!
California voters, please vote no on Prop 8. It’s wrong and unfair to strip same-sex couples of their right to marry. VOTE NO!
If there is a similar prop in your home state, please VOTE NO!
EQUALITY IS FOR EVERYONE!

Dreams Friday, Oct 24 2008 

For the last 3 or 4 nights I have had baby dreams. Every night I dream about being a mom, holding a baby, labor or something baby related. I am always happy in my dreams. When I wake up and realize it was only a dream I am always so sad.

I feel a thousand miles away from our goal of parenthood right now. So strange given all the trying. Even failing every month made me feel like we were doing something. Now, well now, we are just drifting, no real plan, no specific donor to covet…just nothingness.

This may sound insane, but I am more sad and upset to be on a break than to see a BFN. It’s like the lottery, you can’t win if you don’t play. We aren’t playing so we sure as hell aren’t winning anytime soon.

I know I shouldn’t be bitter, but I am . I know so many people have tried a lot longer and been through so much more than we have. We aren’t original or special by any means. It just feels so bad and lonely and empty.

I just want to be a mom. I just want to hold our baby. I just want it to stop hurting.

Trying Again Tuesday, Oct 21 2008 

S and I are trying to decide when to TTC again. Who will try? When? What donor? What clinic?

 S goes back and forth between wanting a break and going again. I am starting to get antsy about trying. I was supposed to go first and when we agreed she would start it was supposed to be three tries and then switch. She has had 7 tries over 8 or 9 months.

As much as I would like to try now I have to job hunt and I am pretty sure those two things do not mix. S wants to stay on a break until I find a job. Totally logical and probably the right thing to do. However, I am not at all logical about this anymore. I am so tired of waiting, being disappointed and spinning our wheels while everyone moves on. Even in blogland we are getting left behind.

The one thing we know for sure, no more Dr. M. He was a colossal waste of time, money, energy and precious fertile time. We are fortunate to now live seconds from an amazing clinic with great RE’s and track records. We are even more fortunate to know someone who will help get us in there sooner and perhaps give us a break financially. We will see.

As far as donor’s go.. we have two vials of our last donor on ice but we have no qualms about finding a new one. I have already begun the hunt.

I am trying really hard to get back on track with my medication and vitamins. I figure I should be ready when they call my number, right?

I hate sitting still. I want to be trying, peeing on sticks, giving shots, having ultrasounds. It feels like every day we do nothing TTC related we move further and further away from having a family.

So, to combat that terror, I have decided to do something TTC related daily. Yesterday I took all my meds and vitamins. Today I will be calling the sperm bank to inquire about several donors.

Moving forward, inch by tiny inch. Eventually we will get there, we will have our baby.

Where The Hell Am I? Tuesday, Oct 21 2008 

Sorry about the silence. I am experiencing a bit of culture shock though. We only moved a few miles away but it feels like another planet.

We moved from a very liberal area, a huge Jewish population, synagogues on every corner and everyone thought our marriage was great. I guess I am really naive because I figured it would be the same here. Oy, not so much.

We went exploring this past weekend, trying to get the lay of the land, if you will. As we drove I noticed a church on every corner instead of a temple. Then, I began noticing a certain name appearing over and over again, on bumper stickers, yard signs etc. I’ll give you a hint; it wasn’t O.ba.ma.  I wasn’t alarmed, it was just, you know, different. Businesses were actually closed on Sunday…totally surprising to me. I was feeling a  bit out of my element but told myself to relax, that there was nothing to worry about. 

We continued driving and just as we were about to stop for lunch I saw a bit of a commotion on the corner. Protesters. I squinted to read the signs. I made out only the words Je.sus, child and gift. Even before I realized what I was seeing I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. What could they possibly be protesting??? My eyes scanned the small office building behind them, a mortgage company, a lawyer perhaps and in the smallest signage possible; Pl.ann.ed Pa.rent.hood.

Okay, let me just say that I support free speech, even speech that I abhor. Now, having said that.. are they freaking kidding me? Who protests outside Pl.ann.ed Pa.rent.hood? I though that only happened on Lifetime Movies or bad after school specials. I was horrified and amused all at the same time. So perplexed was I that I called my mom to tell her what I was seeing, she was speechless as well. Even S was shaking her head in confusion.

After that shock I was treated to the most fun ever. We were stopped at a  red light in a left-hand turn lane and on all four corners were more protesters. Guess what they were protesting?

Same-sex marriage.

The nausea rolled through me like a freight train. We were trapped at the longest light ever, watching these people protest our life together. It was awful. Worse yet, the small children holding up their hateful signs. Children who know nothing of their own sexuality and who will be taught that equality isn’t for everyone.

I am ashamed to admit it, but I began to cry.   Through the tears I managed to shout at S, “Where the fuck did you move me to?”

I realize now that we led a bit of a charmed existence 20 miles away. No one batted an eye at us, people supported us and we were told how wonderful it would be for us to be parents.  I just never saw this coming.

It’s going to take me some time to adjust. I haven’t even hung up our pictures/shelves etc. I just still feel like a visitor here.

Change and I are not good friends, not at all.

Settling In Monday, Oct 13 2008 

We made the big move. I have to say, so far, so good.

Moving is always stressful but now that we are here I feel much better about things. I really do think this was the nudge we needed to make some positive changes.

This place has a peaceful feeling and good energy. Our bedroom is nice and bright, it just feels happy.

S and I went exploring a bit the other day. Instead of pulling out the gate to the right we went left and about 50 feet, or less, from it was…….a daycare center! Hmm….I am not saying it’s a sign or anything…just very interesting. 50 feet sure is close 🙂

Now I am off to look for a new job so we can continue living 50 feet from said daycare center.

I will be catching up on all your blogs today, my apologies for not commenting the last few days. I was overwhelmed by boxes.

Can’t Bite My Tongue Wednesday, Oct 8 2008 

I shouldn’t say this, it’s not nice, especially with Yom Kippur upon us. I can’t keep it in though. I will just add a few extra minutes to my fast to make up for it.

My MIL is a bitch, a big one. She is the sneaky kind though, the one where you think all is well and then, BAM!!!! Bitch unleashed, uncaged and hungry for blood.

She is passive aggressive, clingy and pathetic. She is childish, miserabale, negative and upsets S over and over again. Her own children can only stand her in small doses. I am just plain sick of smiling pretty, feeling sorry for her, making excuses and trying to make nice. Nothing ever changes so, in keeping with the year of change I promised myself…

Dear MIL, kiss my ass you miserable shrew. Love, H.

Okay, I am done venting now. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. (I swear I am not usually that mean. I have just had enough)

Your turn!

Care to share or confess anything today? Please don’t let me be the only mean one!

*Clicking publish before I chicken out and eat ice cream instead*

Happy Birthday Monday, Oct 6 2008 

Today is my birthday. (This is the part where you all sing )

Normally I love birthdays. I plan a big party months in advance and generally enjoy the extra fun and love. This past year has been truly shiteous though. Not just because of the horror of TTC, it was just one of those really bad years in every way possible. With all the crap we have had to wade through there was no way a party was happening this year.

For the past few months I have been dreading today. It seemed to be a very large reminder for what a total failure the past year had been. I didn’t feel like I had all that much to celebrate and that was so sad to me. I always find the silver lining, the good. I am always thankful but I found myself in a  very ugly place the past few weeks.

 I had been through so much, lost so much in such a short period of time. So many disappointments, heartache and so many tears. Some days it hurt just to be. I wondered how I would survive, get through another sleepless night or muddle through a day filled with sadness. I remember feeling so helpless, hopeless.

But today, today I don’t feel any of those things. Today I feel stronger, smart and proud.  I am still standing, a few extra pounds and a few gray hairs, but I am here and I am okay.

I think I will wear the year of crap cape proudly now. If I can make it through all of that, I can make it through just about anything. There is a saying,”If you are going through hell, keep going”        I was and I did.

This is going to be a year of change; new home, new zip code, new job and, I feel, a new addition to our family. I won’t lie, I am a bit terrified, but I am also excited and hopeful.

If I begin to doubt what I can handle I will remember to turn and look back at what I came through and not doubt anymore.

Happy Birthday to me, instead of a party, this year I am giving myself a pat on the back, a fresh start and a chance to make this year something very special. No giftwrap required.

Yes and No Wednesday, Oct 1 2008 

Apartment=YES

Baby=NO

My grief is barely contained. I find myself crying, not even realizing I had started. This was supposed to be our New Year’s miracle, my early birthday gift, new home, new baby.

We are on the wrong side of every statistic now.

We have jumped through hoops to find the perfect new place to live. We are moving further away from our family, friends and taking a  financial risk, all for nothing now.

I was so sure.

I feel so stupid.

I hate the new place already, it’s just a reminder of what we don’t have.

I don’t know when we will be able to try again. My heart hurts so much. I just sit in the living room trying to pack and cry at the same time.

I am bitter and angry and I hate it.