My grief is barely contained. I find myself crying, not even realizing I had started. This was supposed to be our New Year’s miracle, my early birthday gift, new home, new baby.

We are on the wrong side of every statistic now.

We have jumped through hoops to find the perfect new place to live. We are moving further away from our family, friends and taking a  financial risk, all for nothing now.

I was so sure.

I feel so stupid.

I hate the new place already, it’s just a reminder of what we don’t have.

I don’t know when we will be able to try again. My heart hurts so much. I just sit in the living room trying to pack and cry at the same time.

I am bitter and angry and I hate it.