Today is my birthday. (This is the part where you all sing )

Normally I love birthdays. I plan a big party months in advance and generally enjoy the extra fun and love. This past year has been truly shiteous though. Not just because of the horror of TTC, it was just one of those really bad years in every way possible. With all the crap we have had to wade through there was no way a party was happening this year.

For the past few months I have been dreading today. It seemed to be a very large reminder for what a total failure the past year had been. I didn’t feel like I had all that much to celebrate and that was so sad to me. I always find the silver lining, the good. I am always thankful but I found myself in a  very ugly place the past few weeks.

 I had been through so much, lost so much in such a short period of time. So many disappointments, heartache and so many tears. Some days it hurt just to be. I wondered how I would survive, get through another sleepless night or muddle through a day filled with sadness. I remember feeling so helpless, hopeless.

But today, today I don’t feel any of those things. Today I feel stronger, smart and proud.  I am still standing, a few extra pounds and a few gray hairs, but I am here and I am okay.

I think I will wear the year of crap cape proudly now. If I can make it through all of that, I can make it through just about anything. There is a saying,”If you are going through hell, keep going”        I was and I did.

This is going to be a year of change; new home, new zip code, new job and, I feel, a new addition to our family. I won’t lie, I am a bit terrified, but I am also excited and hopeful.

If I begin to doubt what I can handle I will remember to turn and look back at what I came through and not doubt anymore.

Happy Birthday to me, instead of a party, this year I am giving myself a pat on the back, a fresh start and a chance to make this year something very special. No giftwrap required.

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