Trying Again Tuesday, Oct 21 2008 

S and I are trying to decide when to TTC again. Who will try? When? What donor? What clinic?

 S goes back and forth between wanting a break and going again. I am starting to get antsy about trying. I was supposed to go first and when we agreed she would start it was supposed to be three tries and then switch. She has had 7 tries over 8 or 9 months.

As much as I would like to try now I have to job hunt and I am pretty sure those two things do not mix. S wants to stay on a break until I find a job. Totally logical and probably the right thing to do. However, I am not at all logical about this anymore. I am so tired of waiting, being disappointed and spinning our wheels while everyone moves on. Even in blogland we are getting left behind.

The one thing we know for sure, no more Dr. M. He was a colossal waste of time, money, energy and precious fertile time. We are fortunate to now live seconds from an amazing clinic with great RE’s and track records. We are even more fortunate to know someone who will help get us in there sooner and perhaps give us a break financially. We will see.

As far as donor’s go.. we have two vials of our last donor on ice but we have no qualms about finding a new one. I have already begun the hunt.

I am trying really hard to get back on track with my medication and vitamins. I figure I should be ready when they call my number, right?

I hate sitting still. I want to be trying, peeing on sticks, giving shots, having ultrasounds. It feels like every day we do nothing TTC related we move further and further away from having a family.

So, to combat that terror, I have decided to do something TTC related daily. Yesterday I took all my meds and vitamins. Today I will be calling the sperm bank to inquire about several donors.

Moving forward, inch by tiny inch. Eventually we will get there, we will have our baby.

Where The Hell Am I? Tuesday, Oct 21 2008 

Sorry about the silence. I am experiencing a bit of culture shock though. We only moved a few miles away but it feels like another planet.

We moved from a very liberal area, a huge Jewish population, synagogues on every corner and everyone thought our marriage was great. I guess I am really naive because I figured it would be the same here. Oy, not so much.

We went exploring this past weekend, trying to get the lay of the land, if you will. As we drove I noticed a church on every corner instead of a temple. Then, I began noticing a certain name appearing over and over again, on bumper stickers, yard signs etc. I’ll give you a hint; it wasn’t  I wasn’t alarmed, it was just, you know, different. Businesses were actually closed on Sunday…totally surprising to me. I was feeling a  bit out of my element but told myself to relax, that there was nothing to worry about. 

We continued driving and just as we were about to stop for lunch I saw a bit of a commotion on the corner. Protesters. I squinted to read the signs. I made out only the words Je.sus, child and gift. Even before I realized what I was seeing I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. What could they possibly be protesting??? My eyes scanned the small office building behind them, a mortgage company, a lawyer perhaps and in the smallest signage possible; Pl.ann.ed

Okay, let me just say that I support free speech, even speech that I abhor. Now, having said that.. are they freaking kidding me? Who protests outside Pl.ann.ed I though that only happened on Lifetime Movies or bad after school specials. I was horrified and amused all at the same time. So perplexed was I that I called my mom to tell her what I was seeing, she was speechless as well. Even S was shaking her head in confusion.

After that shock I was treated to the most fun ever. We were stopped at a  red light in a left-hand turn lane and on all four corners were more protesters. Guess what they were protesting?

Same-sex marriage.

The nausea rolled through me like a freight train. We were trapped at the longest light ever, watching these people protest our life together. It was awful. Worse yet, the small children holding up their hateful signs. Children who know nothing of their own sexuality and who will be taught that equality isn’t for everyone.

I am ashamed to admit it, but I began to cry.   Through the tears I managed to shout at S, “Where the fuck did you move me to?”

I realize now that we led a bit of a charmed existence 20 miles away. No one batted an eye at us, people supported us and we were told how wonderful it would be for us to be parents.  I just never saw this coming.

It’s going to take me some time to adjust. I haven’t even hung up our pictures/shelves etc. I just still feel like a visitor here.

Change and I are not good friends, not at all.