For the last 3 or 4 nights I have had baby dreams. Every night I dream about being a mom, holding a baby, labor or something baby related. I am always happy in my dreams. When I wake up and realize it was only a dream I am always so sad.

I feel a thousand miles away from our goal of parenthood right now. So strange given all the trying. Even failing every month made me feel like we were doing something. Now, well now, we are just drifting, no real plan, no specific donor to covet…just nothingness.

This may sound insane, but I am more sad and upset to be on a break than to see a BFN. It’s like the lottery, you can’t win if you don’t play. We aren’t playing so we sure as hell aren’t winning anytime soon.

I know I shouldn’t be bitter, but I am . I know so many people have tried a lot longer and been through so much more than we have. We aren’t original or special by any means. It just feels so bad and lonely and empty.

I just want to be a mom. I just want to hold our baby. I just want it to stop hurting.