No Title Tuesday, Nov 25 2008 

It seems that I am a bit emotional these days ( said with much sarcasm )

I can feel the grief of the last year very plainly upon my heart. I know I am mourning the loss of possibility. I know I am aching for something out of reach.

I guess I wasn’t prepared for what the holidays would add to that sorrow.

What I didn’t know was that the sight of babies would physically hurt. I never knew that photos of a 7 month old in my inbox would feel like a knife in my heart. I didn’t know that my favorite time of year would seem so sad and empty. I had no idea that I would actually become jealous of the Duggars, stupid hair and all. I wish someone had warned me that the Rice Krispie commercial and the Hallmark commercial would make me cry. I wish I hadn’t seen the tiny little holiday dresses and suits in the store.

I had no idea you could grieve so much over something that never even existed.

I am grateful for many things this year; my wife, our new home, my friends here in blogland. But I think, for the first time ever, I am going to be very grateful for the passage of time. 

I cannot wait for this year to be over. 

I want to crack open the new calendar and see the days filled with only possibility and hope.

I know it’s early but here’s to 2009! May it bring all of us our hearts desire.

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I’m It! Saturday, Nov 22 2008 

I was tagged by Babypants for having Christmas spirit. Aw, thanks. Even though I am Jewish and not supposed to have Christmas spirit, I do, I really do 🙂

  1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper! I take gift wrapvery seriously. I choose a theme with coordinating ribbons, cards and tie-ons. It’s a sickness
  2. Real tree or Artificial? I have only had a few trees in my life, the result of much begging and even sneaking one in once, and they have all been real. I LOVE the smell.
  3. When do you put up the tree? I think we did it in early December
  4. When do you take the tree down? Just after January 1st.
  5. Do you like eggnog? I have only had it once, I think I liked it.
  6. Favorite gift received as a child? I don’t know… that is a hard one!
  7. Hardest person to buy for? My Aunt, she has everything!
  8. Easiest person to buy for? S
  9. Do you have a nativity scene? No
  10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I mail them. I love it, it feels special, kind of old-fashioned in the days of email.
  11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I used to be a teacher, lots of bad gifts there. Someone gave me a… well, to this day I don’t know what it was. A dish? A tray? An ashtray? Nobody knows! 
  12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Love Actually, not traditional but I adore it!
  13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? As early as I can.
  14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes, but only cute stuff that I have no use for. 
  15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Gingernsaps that my friend sends me from Sweden. ( if you are reading, that is a hint 🙂 )
  16. Lights on the tree? Yes, white lights only
  17. Favorite Christmas song? All I want For Christmas, Santa Baby
  18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Thankfully, all of our family is local so we stay close to home
  19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer’s? Yes
  20. Angel on the tree top or a star? We used a bow
  21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Morning
  22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The profusion of shelf-stable meats and cheeses dressed with bows and marketed as “gifts”. Nitrates are not gifts people!
  23. Favorite ornament theme or color? I like really feminine, absurdly expensive, ones in laces,crystal, feathers etc.
  24. Favorite meal for Christmas dinner? We always have the same thing, Italian. I am kind of over it after so many years. I would love a Thanksgiving-style meal.
  25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Stupid as it sounds, I want a baby. I know we aren’t getting one so a chance to try again would be good.

I tag http://inlocoparentis.wordpress.com/

Decision#1-Done Wednesday, Nov 19 2008 

A very wise woman ( K from http://romancingthestork.blogspot.com) sent me a very important quote the other day. Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?”

The answer, until now, has always been a big, fat no. I have always been a planner, what is the next step? How can we move forward? Change this? Fix that? In the trenches of TTC it’s easy to plan the next step; new drugs, new donors, new doctors, new cycles. I could plan out a whole year in twenty minutes if I needed to.

But now, now we are in a strange place. There is uncertainty about jobs, finances, doctors, treatments etc. Everything is connected and so without the answer or solution to one problem we cannot begin work on the second one, let alone the third. To me, this is hell on Earth. No plan? Nothing written down, penciled in, decided?

And then the quote arrived.

Sometimes the plan is to not have a plan. Put down the charts, checkbooks, donor catalogues and RE listings. Let go for just a little bit and discover what becomes clear.

 It’s like a giant traffic jam, you can’t move until things clear up on their own. So, for now we will wait and trust that the solution will show up just as it should, right when it should. It will be tough but I have faith.

Because this whole letting go thing is new and very difficult for me I felt we needed to decide at least one thing for now. A starting point. Something to keep me going while we wait.

When the mud settles and we have our options back, we have decided that I will be the one TTC this time. S does not want to try now, probably not for awhile. She says never again but I think that is mostly the sadness and frustration talking. I know she needs time to process all that has happened this past year. I wanted so much for it to work for her. Not just so we could have a baby, but because I knew how much it would transform and lift her up. I reassured her that I would never forget all she went through for us, that it would be her time again soon. In some ways I think she is relieved to pass the torch to me for a bit, but I know there great sadness too.

I am excited to see what is coming next, to have a chance to create our family. I will do my best to temper my excitement out of respect for my wife though. I know it will hard for her.

I will go back to taking my prenatals religiously, I will take better care of myself and I will wait, very patiently, to see what he crystal clear waters reveal.

Is No News Good News? (UPDATED) Monday, Nov 17 2008 

S’s meeting was called for 10:30, it’s coming up on 11:30 now.

If she was getting laid-off how long could that take? 90 seconds or so? “Thanks for coming to see us today. Unfortunately, we have mismanaged our money and lost all of our important contacts and therefore clients. We have run our company into the ground and can no longer afford to pay you. Happy Thanksgiving.”

No matter the news, I am dying for an update. The sooner we know what is happening, the sooner we can set to work getting things back in order.

***UPDATED***

S still has a job. Thank G-d!

It turns out that this meeting was called by the owner of the company to discuss how and why things got so bad. Apparently, very nice owner-lady has been extremely ill. She left the company in the care of S’s supervisor while she sought treatment. Well, said supervisor essentially destroyed the company. They are working to rebuild and she apologized to S for making her worry all weekend. Looks like the supervisor may be the one without a job soon.

S would still like to move to full-time with #2. But now she can take her time, do it on her terms, when she is ready.

All is not lost. I am so relieved and grateful.

Truth Monday, Nov 17 2008 

There are some ugly, stressful, unhappy things happening in my world. I have hinted at them before but never really laid it all out there. I am hoping that by putting it all out there it will make them seem less scary, more manageable. Most things don’t seem as scary when the sun rises.

This is really hard for me. I hate admitting that anything might be beyond my control, that I cannot Miss-Fix-It my way out of something. But, here goes.

I have been out of work for 5 months. I left a horrible job after years of feet dragging, to work somewhere truly amazing. It was a big leap and I took it. I was laid off from my dream job after another employee rescinded her resignation. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right and it took my much needed salary and health insurance away.

I cannot TTC unless I have insurance so I am stuck. I am really, really angry. I am tired of job hunting, tired of being in a holding pattern and tired of being childless.

S cannot try right now because her work load is out of control. Plus, if she did get pregnant and, G-d forbid, needed to be on bedrest our main source of income would be gone. She works for two companies, one of which is probably going down the tubes. She can go full-time at company number #2 but needs to phase out of company number #1( the one on its way out ).

It’s easier said than done. She cannot do any of that until her salary is set and benefits have begun. The higher ups at company #1 have asked for a meeting with her tomorrow. We see a lay-off coming.

While initially horrifying, it could have a big fat silver lining. She could end up full-time at #2, which she loves. If that happens she can add me to her insurance, which would help in the stress department as well as clear up another obstacle to ttc again. Plus, S would be MUCH MUCH happier, and that is always a plus in my book. However, none of that could happen and we could be facing massive financial devastation.

 I keep insisting that everything will be okay, S thinks I am living in a fantasy. To prove her wrong I called the new clinic. I thought having something to look forward to might ease the stress a bit.  The new RE, the super in demand, genius, people fly from other countries to see him RE, has been made aware of my existence, he is happy to see me. His office does not offer financing. I only cried for half an hour after that email. Maybe S is right???

We are getting screwed from every angle possible, and not in the good way. I am starting to wonder if the universe is sending me a message. Give it up already lady. 

I can almost hear the laughter. We’ll take away her job, her benefits, give her a shitty doctor, convince her not to go first as planned and then fuck up her wife’s body so she can’t get pregnant either. We’ll let her have the bigger apartment so she can stare at the extra room she’ll never need and give her all the time in the world to stay at home and care for… her cats. After that, we’ll offer her a great RE that she can’t afford to see and then possibly take away her wife’s main source of income. Let’s see her recover from that.

Well, if you’ll permit me to have a tantrum here, FUCK YOU!

Fuck you miserable woman who stole my job because she was too lazy to find her own. F you Dr. M for sucking so badly at your job, making promises you couldn’t keep and stealing our many thousands of dollars. F you company #1 for making my wife worry all weekend and not appreciating all the work she does for you. F you new clinic and your no financing policy. F you stupid body for not working properly so I could try at home, like I always wanted.  F you universe for this stupid, long and painful test of strength.

 I can’t cry, yell or swear, pray or beg enough to change things right now. I feel powerless in so many ways.

 We have to get through tomorrow’s meeting first and then take the next step, and then the next one. Eventually we will get back on the right path, things will settle down, right? (Please say yes)

It’s always darkest before the dawn, right? (Please say yes)

I am praying all of this ugliness is leading us somewhere really wonderful.

I am so tired.

The Cryobank Shuffle Thursday, Nov 13 2008 

For those of you keeping track, we have racked up four different donors and two different cryobanks. 

I live very close the one of the biggest and most popular cryobanks around. However, we have had nothing but awful numbers from them. We tried another one of the “famous” cryobanks the last two times with a much better result. The problem is, they are insanely expensive and when you add cross-country shipping to your order OUCH! Plus, our current donors fee went up by over a hundred dollars a vial. Double ouch!

Out of sheer desperation I searched the country for new cryobanks last night. Thank you G.o.o>g.le! Searching for new donors gave me a sense of purpose for an hour or two. It was like an anchor for my ever drifting hope.

I figured in all of America there had to be a good cryobank with decent numbers and reasonable shipping rates. ( Um, I can hear you laughing ) Well, I think I may have found one. Unfortunately, I have never heard of them before. I never name drop but I need some feedback. Has anyone every used or heard of M..an.ha.t..ta.n Cr.yo.b.an.k?

Is there a cryobank that you know and love and wouldn’t mind suggesting?

Worst case scenario, we stay with uber expensive shipping cryobank and just suck it up. At least we know they have decent post thaw numbers.

((Insert giant, loud sigh here))

S says that because we have struggled so much with her, that when it’s my turn, it will probably happen one, two, three. She had better be right.

There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream. ~Author Unknown

Alrighty Then Tuesday, Nov 11 2008 

I have two random things to share and a thank you.

#1Random Thing- I saw that I had a new incoming link today. I didn’t recognize the info in it so I followed the link. I was led to an evangelical baptist ( I think ) website. There was a lot of scripture being quoted and the burning question, had I been washed in the blood of the lamb? Umm… I am not really sure about that. However, I have been washed in a delicious organic cherry and almond body wash recently. Does that count? I would pay big money to know where my blog is linked on that site!

#2 Random Thing-If you commented that you wanted to exchange holiday cards I have emailed you my address. Check your spam or email me if you did not receive it. Please send me yours as well.

The thank you- As always, you have sent me wonderful advice, suggestions and encouragement for next months cycle. I am so lucky to be part of such a wonderful community. We are still undecided but please know how much your comments helped me feel less alone and make sense of a confusing time.

Hugs to all of you!

Moving Ahead? Monday, Nov 10 2008 

S and I are still going back and forth about what to do next.

We cannot manage the fees with the new clinic just yet so we are on hold there. We still have two vials on ice with the awful Dr. M. We have discussed doing a natural TI cycle with the two remaining vials next month.

We could; 1 try at home, though IUI samples aren’t great for that or, 2 suck it up and see Dr. M one last time. Actually, there is a secret choice 3, we could save those vials for when we can start at the new clinic.

All of these ideas sound crappy to me. I feel like none of them offers us a real chance. I am getting so frustrated and antsy. I feel like we are falling behind, losing momentum and hope by the second. I feel like there are signs everywhere that something is going to happen. I just don’t know what or when.

A few months ago someone posted a link for a free BPA free baby bottle. I never sign up for bay related freebies. I assumed it would jinx us. HA! I signed up and this weekend we got our little package. I just kind of stare at it, wondering if I will ever need it.

I bought a friend of mine some baby clothes and they are hanging in our closet. Tiny and perfect. I keep trying to make myself send them to her but I can’t seem to part with them.

I keep dreaming about positive pregnancy tests, labor and babies.

Today I called and requested information about becoming a foster parent. We talked about doing this some time ago but I finally pushed the subject. I have nothing but time since I am not working and more love to give than I know what to do with. I will confess that I wanted to hear that I could do all the paperwork rigth this very second but… it’s a county agency. It will be a month before I can even attend the informational meeting.  Meanwhile, all these kids have nowhere to go for the holidays. They could be with us instead.

Everything is moving at a snails pace, everything except time, which I feel is running out for us. I cannot be childless anymore. I just can’t.

So, choices 1, 2 and 3. What would you do?

Holiday Cheer Friday, Nov 7 2008 

This is usually my very favorite time of year. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, mainly because it isn’t all about gifts. I bake until I run out of time and butter and just genuinely feel warm and cozy all over. It’s a nice way to get ready for Hanukkah/Christmas, the tied-for-second favorite holidays.

I thought it might be nice to share this special time with some of you. I come here twice a day, looking for your updates, praying for great results for you, celebrating and mourning with you. I know it may sound silly, but I feel like you are friends now.

 How would you feel about a holiday card exchange? A simple, inexpensive, but personal, way to send your best holiday wishes and cheer to those you have come to know and care for.

If you have any interest please email me and we will exchange addresses. If you don’t have my email address please leave a comment and I will email you.

Thanks for reading, supporting me and cheering me on. It means so much to me.

Tragic Wednesday, Nov 5 2008 

I have been stripped of my right to marry in my very own state. A state that allowed me to marry a mere 24 hours ago. I can’t marry someone I have already married. How is that even possible?

To have tasted the sweetness that is equality and then have it yanked away in hate is especially painful. Now I will always know what I am missing.

To add insult to injury I have been banned from marrying in two more states and banned from adopting/fostering in another.

Just a few hours ago my heart swelled with pride and I cried with joy at a nation making history. I was so proud of our progress. Hope soared into my heart and rested there for a glorious seven hours.

And now, now the tears come.

Oh, how it hurts, stings, humiliates and enrages me. I fear we will never recover what we have lost. I fear we haven’t come quite as far as I had hoped.

I just plain fear now.

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