There are some ugly, stressful, unhappy things happening in my world. I have hinted at them before but never really laid it all out there. I am hoping that by putting it all out there it will make them seem less scary, more manageable. Most things don’t seem as scary when the sun rises.

This is really hard for me. I hate admitting that anything might be beyond my control, that I cannot Miss-Fix-It my way out of something. But, here goes.

I have been out of work for 5 months. I left a horrible job after years of feet dragging, to work somewhere truly amazing. It was a big leap and I took it. I was laid off from my dream job after another employee rescinded her resignation. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right and it took my much needed salary and health insurance away.

I cannot TTC unless I have insurance so I am stuck. I am really, really angry. I am tired of job hunting, tired of being in a holding pattern and tired of being childless.

S cannot try right now because her work load is out of control. Plus, if she did get pregnant and, G-d forbid, needed to be on bedrest our main source of income would be gone. She works for two companies, one of which is probably going down the tubes. She can go full-time at company number #2 but needs to phase out of company number #1( the one on its way out ).

It’s easier said than done. She cannot do any of that until her salary is set and benefits have begun. The higher ups at company #1 have asked for a meeting with her tomorrow. We see a lay-off coming.

While initially horrifying, it could have a big fat silver lining. She could end up full-time at #2, which she loves. If that happens she can add me to her insurance, which would help in the stress department as well as clear up another obstacle to ttc again. Plus, S would be MUCH MUCH happier, and that is always a plus in my book. However, none of that could happen and we could be facing massive financial devastation.

 I keep insisting that everything will be okay, S thinks I am living in a fantasy. To prove her wrong I called the new clinic. I thought having something to look forward to might ease the stress a bit.  The new RE, the super in demand, genius, people fly from other countries to see him RE, has been made aware of my existence, he is happy to see me. His office does not offer financing. I only cried for half an hour after that email. Maybe S is right???

We are getting screwed from every angle possible, and not in the good way. I am starting to wonder if the universe is sending me a message. Give it up already lady. 

I can almost hear the laughter. We’ll take away her job, her benefits, give her a shitty doctor, convince her not to go first as planned and then fuck up her wife’s body so she can’t get pregnant either. We’ll let her have the bigger apartment so she can stare at the extra room she’ll never need and give her all the time in the world to stay at home and care for… her cats. After that, we’ll offer her a great RE that she can’t afford to see and then possibly take away her wife’s main source of income. Let’s see her recover from that.

Well, if you’ll permit me to have a tantrum here, FUCK YOU!

Fuck you miserable woman who stole my job because she was too lazy to find her own. F you Dr. M for sucking so badly at your job, making promises you couldn’t keep and stealing our many thousands of dollars. F you company #1 for making my wife worry all weekend and not appreciating all the work she does for you. F you new clinic and your no financing policy. F you stupid body for not working properly so I could try at home, like I always wanted.  F you universe for this stupid, long and painful test of strength.

 I can’t cry, yell or swear, pray or beg enough to change things right now. I feel powerless in so many ways.

 We have to get through tomorrow’s meeting first and then take the next step, and then the next one. Eventually we will get back on the right path, things will settle down, right? (Please say yes)

It’s always darkest before the dawn, right? (Please say yes)

I am praying all of this ugliness is leading us somewhere really wonderful.

I am so tired.