A very wise woman ( K from http://romancingthestork.blogspot.com) sent me a very important quote the other day. Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?”

The answer, until now, has always been a big, fat no. I have always been a planner, what is the next step? How can we move forward? Change this? Fix that? In the trenches of TTC it’s easy to plan the next step; new drugs, new donors, new doctors, new cycles. I could plan out a whole year in twenty minutes if I needed to.

But now, now we are in a strange place. There is uncertainty about jobs, finances, doctors, treatments etc. Everything is connected and so without the answer or solution to one problem we cannot begin work on the second one, let alone the third. To me, this is hell on Earth. No plan? Nothing written down, penciled in, decided?

And then the quote arrived.

Sometimes the plan is to not have a plan. Put down the charts, checkbooks, donor catalogues and RE listings. Let go for just a little bit and discover what becomes clear.

 It’s like a giant traffic jam, you can’t move until things clear up on their own. So, for now we will wait and trust that the solution will show up just as it should, right when it should. It will be tough but I have faith.

Because this whole letting go thing is new and very difficult for me I felt we needed to decide at least one thing for now. A starting point. Something to keep me going while we wait.

When the mud settles and we have our options back, we have decided that I will be the one TTC this time. S does not want to try now, probably not for awhile. She says never again but I think that is mostly the sadness and frustration talking. I know she needs time to process all that has happened this past year. I wanted so much for it to work for her. Not just so we could have a baby, but because I knew how much it would transform and lift her up. I reassured her that I would never forget all she went through for us, that it would be her time again soon. In some ways I think she is relieved to pass the torch to me for a bit, but I know there great sadness too.

I am excited to see what is coming next, to have a chance to create our family. I will do my best to temper my excitement out of respect for my wife though. I know it will hard for her.

I will go back to taking my prenatals religiously, I will take better care of myself and I will wait, very patiently, to see what he crystal clear waters reveal.

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