So Long, Farewell… Wednesday, Dec 31 2008 

Dear 2008,

It’s time for you to go. I have packed your bags and called you a cab, which will arrive promptly at midnight.

You have the dubious distinction of being the first year I have ever been happy to see go. Don’t look at me like that, you know exactly why I want you gone!

2008, you have managed to rain foul smelling shit down from heavens for almost a full12 months. You have taken two beloved family pets, an adored grandfather, a baby, a dream job, our savings and a home from us. The family drama you delivered was movie quality and devastating. Let’s not forget the great hemorrhage of  Thanksgiving. You shook our faith, our confidence and unleashed torrents of tears, anger and heartache. I could go on and on.

You were awful.

In fact, you will probably live in infamy. Some grandparents tell stories, to complaining children, about walking through the snow, up hill, both ways! S and I, we will tell the story of 2008.

Don’t look so sad, I know you were just doing your job.

I suppose, to be fair, I should say something nice. Ummm. Okay, well, you did teach me an awful lot about staying strong. You showed me that I could bounce back from the lowest of lows. You showed S and I how important the power of love really is. You helped me find my way out of bed and into the shower just in time to save my sanity. I will never forget any of these lessons, I promise.

It’s time for you to take your leave. The bright yellow sunlight that will be 2009 is waiting to take center stage.

Goodbye 2008, you will be gone but never, ever forgotten.

Thank You! Wednesday, Dec 31 2008 

Thank you for sharing my disgust and outrage.

Thank you for allowing me to vent.  

Thank you for always being such an amazing source of support. I do not know where I would be without it.

Protected: The Story Monday, Dec 29 2008 

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Password Protected Post Right Ahead Monday, Dec 29 2008 

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Now This Calls For A Poll Sunday, Dec 28 2008 

I want so much to share a story with you ( it’s a good one too ) but think it best to know my audience first.

So, please help me out by clicking the link below and taking this little poll.


If a man offered to be your donor, but only if contributions could be made via intercourse, would you agree?
( polls)

Happy Everything, Always Thursday, Dec 25 2008 

Whatever you may be celebrating and however you are celebrating, I hope it is a wonderful day for you.

I am sending you love and best wishes for a wonderful, happy, healthy and peaceful 2009.

May all of our dreams come true.

Ahem Tuesday, Dec 16 2008 

That is all 🙂

Ants In The Pants Thursday, Dec 11 2008 

I am antsy. Not just at this second, all the time.  I feel anxious and jittery. The clock is ticking at a sickening speed.

I am strolling along in the fast lane, everyone is passing me by. 

I am supposed to be patient, waiting for the waters to clear. I am supposed to be working on getting the PCOS under control. I am supposed to be blissful, knowing my time is coming soon.

I am neither blissful or in control of anything, especially the hateful PCOS. I am upset, terrified that it will never be my turn. I feel as though I am getting left behind. The fear has rendered me totally useless.

It’s not fair. Oh, I know I sound like a spoiled, whiny brat. Maybe I am. But I don’t care right now. I am ANGRY.  If I thought throwing a  full-on kicking and screaming tantrum would help, I would get down on the floor right this second.

We poured 100% of our love, support and finances into all of S’s tries and it feels like there is nothing left for me. 

Why in hell is there never anything left for me?

The Letter Sunday, Dec 7 2008 

Dear Baby,

Although I have never seen you, felt you move inside of me, heard your laugh or seen your smile, I know you exist.

I know because on clear nights a twinkling star will catch my eye and seem to shine just for me. I know because my heart will skip a beat for no reason at all. I know because I see you in my dreams. I know because when it’s very quiet, and I close my eyes, I can see your smile and hear your sweet laugh.

I want you to know, sweet baby, that I am doing everything I can to make it easier for you to get to me. It’s a long way from here to the stars, but I haven’t forgotten you. Not even for a second.

Soon I will be calling for you more often. I hope so much that you will hear me and decide to join us. I know you live amongst the magic of the moon and stars but down here we have something better, down here we have love. A whole house full of love and it’s waiting just for you. Down here you will be the magic we have waited our whole lives to hold.

Keep shining for me dearest baby, remind me you are waiting for arms to hold you, to love you and protect you. Don’t give up on me just yet.

I promise you that until the day comes that I can hold you in my arms I will hold you, instead, in my heart.



I Like A Good Theme Tuesday, Dec 2 2008 

I am consistent, you gotta give me that.

In keeping with this year’s theme, craptacular, I decided to tempt the fates. I announced with bravery, “Go ahead, bring it on. You have a few weeks left to screw with me. After December 31, 2008, though, hands-off.”

I guess someone was listening a little too well that day. If there are any men reading, or anyone squeamish, run, run far far away from this post. It’s filled with TMI grossness.

Here are the important pieces of info; I have PCOS. I went from not having a period at all to having never ending periods ( like3- 4 weeks at a time ) that alternate between spotting for days on end to heavy bleeding/clotting. The bleeding is worse when I am stressed out/upset. My family is dysfunctional. Do you see where this is going?

The days before Thanksgiving I baked my heart out. I made dozens of bite-sized pies, 4 different kinds. I made cornbread, homemade ice cream and whipped cream. I couldn’t wait for my favorite holiday.

We went to my MIL’s house first. We had a mellow and nice time. My usual bleeding had lessened to almost nothing and I was feeling pretty good.

We went to my family dinner next. I usually enjoy the holidays with them, despite the craziness. However, the last two holidays were not so much fun because a certain relative had declared open season on me, why I will never know. I was determined though to smile pretty the whole night. Here is what happened instead.

We arrive and get nasty looks from said relative, relative says something nasty to S, relative rolls eyes at place cards, dessert and everything I say. Relative interrupts every conversation I am having with others. Relative starts to yell at me 5 minutes before sitting down to dinner. Relative keeps yelling. I finally lose it and yell back, loud. Relative gets louder. No one tries to stop the fight. I storm out, relative follows, still yelling. I sit in the guest bathroom trying to calm down. S comes up to sit with me. We discuss leaving. I am sure my mom, or her mom, will come and smooth things over or check on us. They don’t. We take our desserts and leave, not saying goodbye. I am heartbroken that my own mother doesn’t care enough to see if I am okay.

I start to cry in the car, mini pies go flying. Chocolate cream is everywhere, dashboard, shoes, purse, air vents, windows. I cry even harder. We find a do-it-yourself carwash and spend and hour, in the cold, scrubbing the seats, windows, purses etc. We find a coffee shop and finally eat dinner.

We decide to nap for two hours and hit the Black Friday sales to cheer ourselves up. I am bleeding again. We shop for a bit and at our last store I feel a huge warm gush. I am bleeding badly. We go home and see I have bled through all of my clothes. I lay down because I feel faint. I continue to bleed all night but not as badly. My back feels like it’s on fire. I cry knowing that I will never have a baby if my cycles stay this out of control. My mom calls to say hi, she apologizes and says she didn’t know what to do so she didn’t come up. I don’t believe her but accept her apology.

Saturday the bleeding calms down but I still feel a bit woozy. Saturday night I start to bleed again, this time with huge clots. Sunday is worse but I am determined to keep our dinner plans. I build a wall of Kotex and pray for the best. With every step I can feel clots falling out of me and I feel very tired. S is worried but I insist we finish dinner. The meal energized me and I assured her we could walk around and window shop.

We get up to go to the bathroom and it feels like my insides have fallen out. I start to shake. I have bled through the wall of Kotex, and my jeans. There was a lot of blood, more than I have ever seen. I keep insisting to S that I am fine while madly scrubbing the stains out of my jeans. I realize I am still bleeding into the toilet. I am having a hard time breathing. I force myself to stop shaking. I feel like I am cleaned up enough to come out but when I try to stand up blood begins to pour onto the floor. S is terrified. I am mortified and start to whimper. I don’t want anyone to see. The room starts to spin, I can’t feel my hands, things start to go black. My pride takes over and somehow I manage to clean up the blood.

S says we are going to the hospital. I refuse, worried about money. She threatenes to call my mom. She doesn’t though. She takes me home, our plans ruined. I cry again, sure I will never have a baby and scared something is really wrong. She helps me change clothes and makes me sit down. I remember nothing but waking up two hours later, having bled through my second set of clothes. I refuse the hospital again but secretly wish I was there.

The whole night goes on like this. I bleed through 3 more sets of clothes, the old duvet and towel I was sitting on.  I was so thirsty, I couldn’t stop drinking water. It was hard to talk and walking was out. Every movement brought another gush of blood.  I reassure S I am not dying but wonder if I am. I finally fall asleep while a worried S keeps watch.

Monday brings a lot less blood and almost no clotting. I insist she go to work, that I am fine. She calls every hour. I feel tired, but better.

Today, so far, no blood at all. Thank G-D!

No more family holidays for me. I can’t go through that again.

I am really, really over 2008.