Does This Bitchy Make Me Look Fat? Tuesday, Jan 27 2009 

I am in rare form today.

Today I watched the “baby” shows on T..L..C specifically to mock clueless parents and pregnants. Then, when I spotted adorable baby pics in my inbox, I responded without opening them and told the sender how cute they were. A short time after, when the octuplet birth was announced, I told S we needed to find that doctor and use him/her. After that, I let a random internet comment about someone else fostering hurt my feelings after which I cried to S that they would never give us a child.

Excellent.

I am now a bitch, a liar, insane and hypersensitive. Don’t you wish you knew me IRL now 🙂

I think I am just getting excited and anxious for the next step in the fostering process, our home visit. It’s a big hurdle, with a lot of details to nail, and I can be a perfectionist which would explain the nerves.

I also think I am a little sad that neither of our parents seem happy,excited or interested. It would be really nice to have them be a part of this. Perhaps when things get closer to being finalized? I will hope for that.

I want to thank all of you for your wonderful support, encouragement and advice. I am so lucky to have found you.

I am going to sleep off the bitchy and will return full of sunshine and kindness soon.

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Finding The Words Monday, Jan 19 2009 

I have had a hard time finding my words this week. It’s pretty rare for me and a week of bottled up roller-coaster emotions has bought me insomnia coupled with nightmares every evening.

So, however inelegant, incomprehensible or incoherent here come the words.

Dr. B was nice. I am very wary now of all RE’s so a nice is all he gets. His office runs very efficiently and professionally. All good in my book. He is competent and I never heard anything that would raise a red flag or concern me. All good again.

As far as S in concerned he suggests moving straight to IVF. We do not entirely disagree but would like to see how she responds to a cycle that is properly medicated/managed. We cannot afford IVF and are trying to use me so the whole thing is moot, for now.

As far as I am concerned, I am not a lost cause, just a tricky, risky, expensive one. Nothing I didn’t already know. Still, so hard to hear. I have PCOS and a clotting factor. Together this means I will need ovulation induction and anti-coagulation therapy, Heparin injections 2x daily from stims through postpartum. My miscarriage risk is huge, a percentage that whenever mentioned makes S’s eyes go wide. I will probably need a hematologist as well. I have no desire to shoot myself full of anti-coagulants for months on end without a second opinion and extra monitoring.

When I do cycle it will look something like this:

1. Consult with hematologist to confirm diagnoses/treatment

2.Prometrium to force AF

3.CD3 FSH and Estradiol

4.HSG-really really don’t want to do this but will, probably

5.Clomid 100mg

6.Heparin injections 2x daily

7.U/S to monitor follies

8.HcG trigger

9.Back to back IUI’s

10.Progesterone during TWW

It kind of makes me ill to see it. It’s not impossible but it feels like I am staring straight up at Everest. How the hell will I ever get to the top?

Almost all of this is an out of pocket expense so we will not be starting in February as I hoped. No 2009 baby for us. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t devastated. All because of money. I am bitter, really bitter. I will have a turn, I know I will. I just don’t know when and that really hurts and scares me. 

In other news, we are moving a brisk pace towards getting licensed as foster parents. Our mounds of paperwork are all filled out, we have attended more classes and are starting to child-proof the house. We just need a crib and a carseat now. After that we can schedule our home visit. EEK!

We were very honored this week to have received a surprise gift from a fellow blogger and her wife.  I am not sure if they want to be named, but we are so grateful for the beautiful card and gift certificate. Thank you again!

Buoyed by their support we made our first big foster baby purchase, a travel system along with some clothes and bottles! It was surreal to be standing there practicing collapsing the stroller and arguing over bottles. It was exciting but really bittersweet too. Does that make sense?

When we were at home hanging tiny clothes on ting hangers the reality of it all hit me. Whoever wears this little out fit is not my child. There will be no first day of school, prom or going off to college. No ultrasounds,  no showers with those perfect little sandwiches, no congratulatory cards, no eager visitors. Not. Our. Baby.

We will love these children with all we have but there is a sadness that I don’t think will ever leave us. There is also guilt. I feel like, in a way, we are giving up on our biological babies. We are buying cribs and clothes for other people’s children and not moving forward with trying to conceive our own. But there is a big difference betwen a crib and thousands of dollars in treatments/meds/monitoring and sperm. Crib, doable? The other? Not so much.

I feel like the dream is slipping further and further away from me. But, there is nothing else we can do right now. Our hands are tied at the moment. It sucks and it makes me really angry but I still feel sure that doing this will be good for us. These children already exist and right now, at this very second, they are being neglected, abused and hurt. We have the chance to fix that, to heal them, how can we not?

It’s been a strange week of ups and downs. I expect these kinds of feelings will continue for some time. I hope that doesn’t make me sound awful or selfish.

I honestly do think that we will be better people, better spouses and when our time comes, better parents because we have walked this path.

All will be well…. one day.

Shaking In My Boots! Monday, Jan 12 2009 

In a few short hours I will be face to face with Dr. B. I am scared and worried. ( Total understatement. I am petrified. )

The Dr. M nightmare replays in my mind and I see stark white test after stark white test. A sort of financial ticker clicks away in my head, how much did we spend last year?  Good G-d!

I don’t want to be a lost cause but I also don’t want  to be a great candidate and not be able to afford to try. Huh, big shock, I want it all!

I am literally sick to my stomach but I won’t cancel. I know it’s time for me to gather my courage, put the past behind me and hop into some stirrups.

I will be brave.

I will have faith.

I will find a way to do this.

I will have hope.

I will do all of these things just as soon as the nausea passes.

“Courage is when you’re afraid but you keep on moving anyway. Courage is when you’re in pain but you keep on living anyway.” The Strange Familiar

Still Excited! Thursday, Jan 8 2009 

First, thank you, thank you, thank you for your wonderful, kind and supportive comments. You made my day!

For those of you that asked questions, here is the scoop. We are just fostering, not adopting.  We can change our minds though. We are required to complete 24 hours of training, we have already done 3.  While training we can get everything else done; fingerprints, health screening, home visit etc. We will likely take children under the age of 5, though S can’t seem to make up her mind. We will see.

For fun, and to soothe S’s fears, I hopped onto the T.ar.get site and did a little faux shopping. I added to my cart everything I thought we would need to get the room ready for our home visit. I “bought” basic, but attractive, safe and well-reviewed items. Everything from crib to travel system to bottles and first aid. I threw in some basic baby toys, bedding, rails for a toddler bed even a nifty gadget that tests the temp of the bathwater. I added neutral colored onesies and sleep sacks, eco-friendlier diapers and wipes, a bathtub, organic washcloths, even a highchair. It took forever but when I was done my total was only around $1600. Not bad. I was pleasantly surprised. S wouldn’t admit it, but I think she was too. I think she just worries that we need all of this stuff ASAP. As soon as we have it we can do our home visit!

We are still TTC. My appointment is still on with the super, new , uber fancy, famous Dr. B on Monday. I am still terrified and honestly haven’t a clue how we will afford to set up a nursery and pay oop for meds and treatment. I, however, believe in miracles and fully expect one to show up sometime soon. Now would be good.

I refuse to give up the dream. I know I will find a way to make this work.

Failure is not an option.

The View From Here Thursday, Jan 8 2009 

Excited.

There is a word I haven’t used much lately. I am actually excited.

Orientation went well. We got all the paperwork and info we need to get things started. I must say that sitting in a classroom-like setting for 3 hours can be very amusing. There is always one person who makes things take 100 times longer because they ask weird questions and there is always one who looks confused no matter what is being said.  They made us giggle like 10th graders the whole time. The uber metrosexual gay couple was pretty obvious and no one seemed confused about their relationship. We, however, got confused looks. When we asked if we had the correct number of forms one woman asked us if we lived in the same house. Nope! Seperate homes, the secret to a great marriage. Oy. Maybe we should come to these things wrapped in a rainbow flag clutching Melissa Etheridge albums?? At least we got a good laugh out of it.

So, here it is. If we do everything we need to, and none of it is hard in case you were wondering, we will be licensed by the end of February. We could, theoretically, have a child in our home the March. A baby! In our house! OMG!

S is still pretty conflicted about it. She feels defeated and is kind of touchy about the subject. She is going to all the trainings and getting licensed but I know she is having a hard time with it.

I am just excited. I think it’s great opportunity to help a child in need and fill the empty space in our home and hearts, even if just for a little while. We will still try for biological children, nothing is making us give that up. This is just another step along the way. I think this will make us better people, I really do.

We will need to have the room set-up for our home visit. So even though we don’t know what’s coming or when; we need a crib, stroller, carseat etc. It’s a big initial expense but I assured S we would find the best deals possible, friends may have gently used items for us etc. There is no baby shower or registering for foster parents! Plus, in all honesty, it would be really, really painful to have a nursery full of perfect, new, dream furniture and no dream baby to put in it.

I spent the last half  hour standing in the doorway of the extra room, just staring at what, for the first time, in a long time, looked a lot like possibility.

It was beautiful.

No Title Today Wednesday, Jan 7 2009 

It’s foster parent orientation day. I am both excited and really, really sad.

 

S sees moving forward with fostering as a defeat. A less pitiful way of acknowledging that we will not have biological children wrapped in do-gooding. I see it more as do-gooding with a hint of insurance policy thrown in. These babies need us but we need them too. I don’t think it means defeat. I think it means we have learned to be practical and honest about the whole TTC process.

 

There have been 4 pregnancy/baby announcements in the past two days. I have never had that happen. I am in shock as to how, with a full year head start, we have ended up so very far behind. I willed myself not to cry and, of course, failed miserably.

 

Monday is my consult with the highly recommended Dr. B. I am scared shitless. I am terrified. After the nightmare of Dr. M I am a bit skeptical of any doctor, especially male. I am scared he will say I am a lost cause. I am scared he will say I am NOT a lost cause but we won’t be able to afford testing and treatment.

 

I am terrified I will fail and I cannot fail at this. I just can’t. It’s all I have ever wanted and when I think about losing the dream I feel utterly lost.

 

Who will I be if I am not a mother? What will I do with my life? What will ever be able to heal that wound?

 

FEAR is pretty much all I have right now. May I borrow some of your hope, faith and optimism?

Updates! Updates! Friday, Jan 2 2009 

Happy 2009!

I hope this year brings you nothing but joy.

I am feeling kind of creative today so I thought I’d do my updating via ticker art.