It’s foster parent orientation day. I am both excited and really, really sad.

 

S sees moving forward with fostering as a defeat. A less pitiful way of acknowledging that we will not have biological children wrapped in do-gooding. I see it more as do-gooding with a hint of insurance policy thrown in. These babies need us but we need them too. I don’t think it means defeat. I think it means we have learned to be practical and honest about the whole TTC process.

 

There have been 4 pregnancy/baby announcements in the past two days. I have never had that happen. I am in shock as to how, with a full year head start, we have ended up so very far behind. I willed myself not to cry and, of course, failed miserably.

 

Monday is my consult with the highly recommended Dr. B. I am scared shitless. I am terrified. After the nightmare of Dr. M I am a bit skeptical of any doctor, especially male. I am scared he will say I am a lost cause. I am scared he will say I am NOT a lost cause but we won’t be able to afford testing and treatment.

 

I am terrified I will fail and I cannot fail at this. I just can’t. It’s all I have ever wanted and when I think about losing the dream I feel utterly lost.

 

Who will I be if I am not a mother? What will I do with my life? What will ever be able to heal that wound?

 

FEAR is pretty much all I have right now. May I borrow some of your hope, faith and optimism?

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