Waiting For A Ring Thursday, Feb 26 2009 

We graduated!

We are all official and do not have to do anything but wait for the phone to ring.

I think it’s safe to say that the first time it rings¬†I will probably pee in my pants ūüôā

S and I want a baby so badly it hurts. We did agree to older children too but it would be so nice to start with a baby. I guess it would feel a little more natural that way. Plus, we were given an obscene number of tiny baby outfits from a friend, I am hoping that is a sign.

For now we will just keep collecting baby gear and clothes in all sizes so we are prepared for anything. It’s very weird to have so many tiny clothes in our house. Just holding them brings on such a range of emotions, it’s really powerful. When it gets too heavy we joke that because we are so¬†ready for a baby we will get a¬† four year old. No matter, I believe in fate and destiny and things being as they should, usually.

We haven’t told our families yet, they are big on parade raining and we were so happy last night. I guess we will today. I am steeling myself as I type.

Thank you for your support and cheer leading during this process. It has meant the world to me.

Thank You! Sunday, Feb 22 2009 

I want to thank all of you for your wonderful words of encouragement, support and congratulations. I cannot tell you how happy you made me. You also gave me some great advice! I have started checking out some of the sites you mentioned.

I will confess that you planted a dangerous thought in my mind. The registry. S and I would never, ever start a registry for a foster child, it would feel way too weird, for us anyway. Hello, please buy us stuff for a child who may never come to live here. Oy.

But,¬† I will admit that the fun of choosing all those wonderful clothes, gadgets and¬†things sounded wonderful to me. It did occur to me that we may never have a¬† chance to register for our own child.¬†We might never have that experience. I was suddenly really,¬†really sad. However, thanks to the miracle of the internet, I was able to have that experience, even if¬†I felt like a big freaking ¬†fraud doing it. Please don’t think¬†I am nuts,¬†I just felt like I¬†had to do it.

I went to a website and made a nifty little¬† faux registry. I told myself it was a “shopping list” not a registry so¬†I didn’t feel so loserish. I had a lot of fun, got a taste of baby registering¬†and only teared up once or twice. I did tell S about it¬†and she, surprisingly, didn’t think¬†I was nuts. She did chuckle a bit though.

I guess you could say it was therapeutic. My apologies to a certain store for wasting valuable space on their site all so I could feel like a  real mom for a few minutes.

Thank you again for being such amazing women. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Moving Right Along Friday, Feb 20 2009 

Well, we did it.We passed our inspection with flying colors! 

See, being a pain in the ass and worried sick does pay off?! We are licensed for two children ages 0-5. We will have the option to adopt in certain cases as well. After the completion of next weeks class we can be called at any time for a placement. It feels very surreal.

We literally bounced and jumped for joy once licensing left. We are so excited but a little overwhelmed too. We can expect a child from 0-5 and trying to prepare for all of those ages is kind of tough. I would love to rush out and buying everything but that is not an option right now.

There are stories about people getting called hours after their last class but it’s not likely. I know we have a little time to gather all things these children may¬†need.

So, we are doing our best to prioritize. If a child showed up right this second what would we need to get us through the day or night until we could go shopping? Well, if you are asking me, we need everything LOL. I like to be prepared. But, in truth, we could manage with diapers, formula, bottles and some PJ’s for a few hours.

Here is where we stand on the gear front, please let me know if  I have left anything out.

We have our infant car seat but still need a convertible one for an older child or a second baby. We have our baby papasan which one of our kitties has decided is a fancy new bed for her to nap in.

We started buying diapers in assorted sizes. I want cloth but S is not having any of it. I am currently working on convincing her to get eco-friendly sposies at least. Our friends at T.ar.get have the Nature Babycare ones for a decent price along with the unscented/sensitive wipes. We still need a changing pad and cover for the dresser but could manage with the bed/floor if we had to.

We bought a few glass bottles,¬†I won that battle, but I really would like the Adiri nursers or the Green 2 Grow wide neck. How I am going to convince her these are good choices is beyond me. She is being very weird and difficult about these purchases.¬†I kind of figured if she is being weird about bottles¬†I shouldn’t even mention the stunning bedding¬†I told you all about a few weeks ago. For now some receiving blankets for swaddling should do the trick.¬†At least I was able to get the crib sheet in the pretty sage green I like. Eventually it will go with my dream bedding. Shhh, don’t tell.

We started buying assorted formulas too. Small ready to pour bottles just to get us through a night or until we figure out what they have been drinking or can tolerate. I managed to get one bottle of organic in there without too much of a battle. Yay me! We also grabbed a few jars of baby food in each stage; fruits, veggies and greens, all organic.

We have a few outfits ranging from 0-18 months but need I think we need one of each in each gender and age range to be really prepared. We need a bathtub and a few hooded towels. She already gave me grief over the bath products but there is no way in hell I am dousing any child in parabens. If we use organic and paraben free, so will they. I do not care how much it costs. Sheesh! I will try to sneak those into a cart this weekend.

She is being tough, but I know its just nerves talking. Whenever a big change is on the horizon she picks the weirdest stuff to argue over, total defense/avoidance mechanism. I just know I have to wait it out and slow down. She is excited but afraid to get her hopes up too much. I get that.

My head is spinning.¬†I can’t stop and let myself believe this could happen.¬†I just keep making lists as if¬†I were planning for someone else. I am too scared to let myself imagine the possibilities.¬†I can’t even bring myself to open our travel system let alone install the carseat.¬†I just can’t do it.

Maybe tomorrow.

We really haven’t told anyone we are doing this yet, just the moms for now. We will probably tell them after our last class and when we get our license in the mail. It’s our equivalent of waiting to tell until the second trimester. We are terrified of jinxing anything.

Please, please bring us a  baby to love and care for. I promise I will give my whole heart to him or her. I promise.

Home Visit Time! Tuesday, Feb 17 2009 

Tuesday is our home visit, I am really nervous.

We turned the house upside down and inside out, we have locked everything lockable and scrubbed our already clean house twice. We planted new flowers in the pouring rain and checked every smoke and carbon monoxide detector we have.

They are very vague when telling you what is expected . They want the house safe and clean, those are very very relative though. I just hope we pass with flying colors.

Someone reminded me it’s not pass or fail, they give you corrections and come back. Well, if¬† they have to come back, I have failed, in my eyes.

I know there is no such thing as perfection, but please, please, let us come really close tomorrow.

S moved some of her appointments around so she could be here with me. Yay, my sweet wife knows how hard I am on myself. I will feel better if she is here.

In another news, yesterday was the one year anniversary of our first visit with the evil Dr. M. It’s amazing how much can happen in a year. We went to see him and handed him our hopes, dreams, trust and every penny we had. It makes my stomach turn.

I believe in karma though. I know he getting terrible feedback online ( without any help from me) and his reputation is falling apart. I hope he realizes how awful he is at this job and changes professions before he breaks anymore hearts. I also kind of hope his dreams are haunted by the women he betrayed with bad medicine and a huge ego.

No matter, we are back and more determined than ever to be mommies! Love makes a family and we have plenty of that to go around.

If you happen to have any extra vibes, prayers, or dust lying around I will gladly take it. I really want this visit to go well.

Finally Getting It Right Friday, Feb 13 2009 

I feel everything.

Whatever that little switch in your brain that shields you from pain is called,¬†I don’t have it. If I have it, it’s in need of serious repair.¬†I am defective.

When I comment on your blogs and say I feel your pain, I am serious. I feel everyones hurt, anger, despair. I cry for the heartache of others, the injustice in the world and just about everything in between. I feel it all.

Well, you can imagine my surprise when this week I found myself not feeling a damn thing. Nothing. Zip. Just hollow.

The crib arrived and¬†I braced myself for the wave of emotions. I planted my feet firmly and waited…nothing.

I opened the box and looked at the pretty white rails and nothing.

I assembled it and nothing.

I was confused to say the least! What was going on here?

Maybe¬†I didn’t ¬†like the crib? After all, it wasn’t my first choice. I gave it a good long stare. No, the crib was fine, pretty detail on the bottom, slight sleigh style curves. I still felt nothing.

Maybe it was because there wasn’t any bedding on it? Maybe it needs the set¬†I am still¬†plotting to get?

Maybe it’s because the room isn’t really a nursery right now? For licensing¬†I need two beds in there, one crib, one larger one. Plus, it’s still our office. Maybe that is it? Nurseries don’t usually come with computers.

Maybe it’s because there aren’t any pretty little decorative shelves or pictures up yet?

Maybe it’s because there isn’t a glider in there. Every nursery needs a glider.

I thought and thought and thought. Wondering what was happening or rather what was not happening to me. Where were the tears, the excitement, the anticipation, the fear?

Where was I?

Ah, and then it became very clear. That little switch had magically repaired itself. My brain was finally protecting me from pain! What an interesting time to start.

Relief.

Dearest brain, thank you. Thank you for allowing my bruised, battered and shattered heart a little time to rest and heal. Thank you for letting my eyes have a few days to dry out and for allowing my dreams to be peaceful. Thank you for letting me fold those tiny clothes without piercing pain. Thank you for letting me see the stroller without feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me. Thank you for allowing my imagination some rest, my fears a day off  and my daydreams to hurt less.

Thank you for the break. I really needed it.

Must Remain Calm Monday, Feb 9 2009 

Licensing just called. They will be here next Tuesday!

Holy crap!

Our crib is scheduled to arrive tomorrow. It’s not the round one, but it’s still pretty. Gr.ac.o-As.hle.igh in white.¬†Ilike all things sh.ab.by ch.ic and this one had free shipping so it beat out the Ke.n.dal, which I adore.

We are almost done child-proofing. I just need to rearrange some cabinets/closets for added safety.

We have completed all paperwork, fingerprinting, TB testing and CPR/FirstAid. We only have 3 classes left.

Must find chocolate.

Must keep breathing.

Must think good thoughts.

Shaking Hands Tuesday, Feb 3 2009 

I just bought a crib.

Holy crap.

I am excited and terrified.

I had to buy it to get licensed but feel like buying it may have jinxed something.

I am shaking.

Could this actually happen?

Do I dare to dream?

Balance Monday, Feb 2 2009 

I am a typical Libra.

Look up anything written about us and I am a perfect match. We strive for balance but often fail to find it. Our pendulum swings when it should be holding steady and they often swing the exact opposite way in which you had hoped. Knowing this about myself I try to create firm rules before any big next step. I try set boundaries so I can avoid all that swinging.

When we started the foster care process we made some decisions. We had to choose the age of the children we wanted, we were asked about gender, medical issues, race, religion etc. We made all of these decisions easily and without hesitation.

We knew we would need to purchase a great deal of baby gear to get licensed and were fine with that. We¬† said we would choose, safe, attractive items that fit into our budget. We would not go overboard, we would not choose “dream” items. After all, nothing is certain in the foster system. We could not get licensed, not get a child or only have a child briefly. Why set ourselves up for more heartache?

So, we have been carefully searching for the most important item; the crib. I thought I found the perfect one weeks ago. The next logical step was bedding. As a general rule¬†I hate baby bedding. None of it appeals to me. I used to tell¬†S that when we had a baby we would have to have something made, because I¬†would never find anything¬†I liked.¬†I do not know why, but for some things¬†I must have something unique and all together perfect. I mean, it took me 9 months to find a wedding invitation¬†I found suitable. 9 months!!!¬†¬†I remembered our deal though. I quickly found something I would label “cute”. It was gender neutral, affordable and well, cute.

However, something came over me last night. It¬†dawned on me that this may be our only¬†chance¬†to parent. We might not be able to afford treatment, or it may not work. This could be it. My heart ached, my eyes filled with tears. I stared at the extra room and allowed the thoughts to take over. This might be our only nursery. Why shouldn’t ¬†it be special in every way? Why shouldn’t we have something unique and special going on¬†in here?

Uh-oh.

Against my better judgement I sat at the computer and searched for the exquisite. I went slack- jawed at the round crib, my breath literally taken away. It was gorgeous and unique and very special. It was also $1,500.00. I calculated the amount of sperm that could buy, the number of OOP HSG’s, bloodwork and meds that equaled.¬†I saw S pack her bags and leave me telling everyone I had lost my ever-lovin mind. I sighed and told myself there was such a thing as too unique, too special.¬†I moved on…

Next,¬†I went hunting for bedding. Something better than cute must exist. I kept looking and then¬†I found it. The perfect bedding. It’s different, but not weird . It’s elegant and almost a tad too fussy to be baby, especially boy baby, bedding.¬†It’s only just slightly more than double the price of the “cute” bedding.¬†I am in love.

It made me cry because¬†I know this might be our only shot and I know that with that bedding and all its perfect coordinating pieces,¬†I will have a little bit of my dream nursery. It may seem stupid to get all worked up over bedding, I know. It’s just that, for me, a crib and bedding makes it seem very real.

A baby might come to live in our home. I may get to push a stroller and make bottles and change diapers. Tiny fingers may grasp mine, I may see a child take their first step, say their first word. I may get a little piece of the dream I have been dreaming for so long.

The pendulum swings away from practical.

Somehow, sensible, practical and plain old cute don’t seem enough when we are buying the stuff dreams are made of.

I am not sure how I will do it, but I will convince S to let me have this one thing. It really is beautiful.