Protected: Read Between The Lines(Same Password) Monday, Mar 30 2009 

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To Answer Your Question Friday, Mar 27 2009 

A  few of you asked me about placements and adoption. I am by no means an expert but here is what I know so far.

Some placements come to you and its almost a sure thing that they will be put up for adoption or are already at that point. S.a.f.e babies, abandoned babies, frequent flier moms and a few other situations I don’t feel okay mentioning right now are almost always fast-tracked  for adoption.

Some come to you with parental visitation in place but it becomes pretty obvious really early on they won’t or can’t  follow through. Babies with special needs, parents who cannot get a handle on their addictions,  parents who stand to lose other children by “keeping” another often vanish early on. In fact, we are advised to bring a camera to our first visit and take pictures. If the parents do vanish or rights are terminated soon after we have those photos to show children whey they ask, and they all ask eventually I am told.

Some go back  home just to renter the system. A lot of parents work very hard to get their kids back and keep them, which is the goal.  I am not sure what the percentage is but I am told it is pretty high.

The adoption process cannot begin until a child has been with you for 6 months.

It’s all very sad and confusing and the waiting is excruciating, no matter what side of the situation you are on.

I am so tired of waiting.

I Climbed Out Of The Hole Tuesday, Mar 24 2009 

I no longer feel like climbing into a deep, dark hole.  I did  add a password to that post during a fit of total paranoia last night. The password is a medication used when TTC, unscramble or email EIPMTORUMR.

Why the sudden change you ask? Well, friends of ours  got a placement this weekend. I will admit to very mixed feelings at first. But then I saw them with the baby. It was beautiful and amazing. That child was meant to be with them. They had already bonded and already looked like a family.

The whole thing restored my faith in this process. The child that should be with us will be with us, eventually. We will look like a family too one day soon.

Even if we don’t adopt I know that we will have made a difference in the life of a child. No matter how sad I get or discouraged I feel, changing a childs life, even for a little bit, is a gift that will see me through whatever makes my heart ache.

I feel a little bit of peace on this pretty Spring day and that too is a gift.

Protected: Money Does Buy Babies Friday, Mar 20 2009 

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Dear Friend, (UPDATED) Tuesday, Mar 17 2009 

Dear Friend,

Thanks so much for calling this weekend! It was a nice surprise.

I really enjoyed you comparing our home to a preschool because we have St. Patrick’s Day decorations out. It was even better when you rolled your eyes at the crib and proclaimed the room, “not really a nursery.” As lovely was your insistence that we were ridiculous for having our carseats checked for safety.

I think my favorite part of the night was dinner. Of course we had planned on eating in a real restaurant but I understand your fast food craving and was thrilled to spend Saturday sitting on a hard plastic bench eating processed foods. What capped off the gourmet meal was your super fun announcement. Do you remember?

Let me refresh your memory. You asked if you could tell that someone was pregnant without me getting upset. S shook her head no repeatedly but you kept talking. When you saw my face you said to forget it. Well, I would have liked to, but I already knew. There was only one person it could be. I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to hear that the falling down perma-drunk, pill popping druggie is pregnant. How great! I hope she doesn’t steal this child’s medication like she did when she was a nanny. 

When I burst into tears thanks for making it even worse for me by proclaiming you ,”didn’t know I was still  so upset about the whole baby thing”. It’s so nice to feel like a freak show while sniffling into a paper napkin under fluorescent lights. Telling me the baby would probably have 10 heads was also super helpful!

I know you realized your mistake and appreciate you trying to make me feel better. Yes, promising me you wouldn’t have a baby before me was very thoughtful, especially since I know all about your abortion.

All in all I would say it was a fun night. It’s not often that you get to share insults, tears, humiliation and heartache with your close friend over curly fries.

Next time you need to get out of the house please give us a call, we would love to return the favor someday soon.

P.S. Let me be the first to congratulate you on your excellent decision regarding this mommy to be. Not reporting her if you find out she is using during her pregnancy is a great idea! I mean, who needs all those pesky social workers, doctors and judges getting involved, right? Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is best kept a secret. You are one smart cookie!



Conspiracy Theories Wednesday, Mar 11 2009 

I have way too much time on my hands, a way too vivid imagination and a lot of hurt and disappointment swirling through me. Together that is the perfect storm. That fun little combo has send my poor little mind spinning in a million different directions. Here is a small sampling of where has stopped on this tour of torture.

They haven’t called because-part 1. Last week I decided that we weren’t getting calls because we don’t have a house, we are apartment dwellers. Never mind that we live in the nicest city in our entire county, we are apartment dwellers and therefore unsuitable foster parents. I had a bad few days of feeling really inadequate and loserish and then moved onto

They haven’t called because -part 2. Part two goes like this, we suck. Yes, that is right. No calls because we suck. We bought what was needed for our visit and more; crib, carseast ( two of them ) bouncer, swing, clothes etc. However, we didn’t buy the very best of everything. The dream crib resides only as a bookmark on my computer, the same goes for dream bedding, stroller, changing table, organic mattress and carseats. I was, still am a  bit, wracked with guilt that we are holding out on this potential child. I know in my heart of hearts, if one of us were pregnant, I would find a way to get all these dream items. But I didn’t do that this time and therefore, no calls because we are cheap and sucky and somehow they know it. These horrible thoughts easily segued into

They haven’t called because -part 3. I decided that it wasn’t quality that was keeping the calls away, it was quantity. We don’t have enough stuff so, no call for us. I will spare you the list of stuff I am convinced we need right. this. second. It’s quite long and depressing as S has declared a moratorium on purchasing until they do call us. Oh, how I curse the Catch 22. Naturally I found my way to

They haven’t called because-part 4. Yesterday I decided that hadn’t called because our house wasn’t clean enough. This led to the creation of a chore chart and the vacuum cleaner and I spending some serious time together today. Oh yes, couch cushions, nooks, crannies and the poor kitty beds got a serious dose of suction. After that I rearranged the refrigerator into perfect rows of store-bought goodness. After that I gave myself a break, coming up with

They haven’t called because-part 5. Here it is, they haven’t called, because they haven’t called. There is no magic answer. They don’t care about my couch cushions, dream crib and I am pretty sure they don’t think we suck. They just haven’t called and I cannot do a damn thing about it. It’s just like TTC, luck of the draw. You can plan, pray and prepare but ultimately, what will be, will be. And I think that hurts the most.

I cannot do anything more for myself, for Bree, for Poppy, for Laurieann, for Tbean or anyone else I may have forgotten to mention, and that is terribly unfair.

I am so sorry, for all of us.

So Upset Friday, Mar 6 2009 

I am in a bad place right now. My patience is shot , my nerves are fried and I’m just plain old upset.

From what we have heard we should have had a call by now, even if we didn’t accept the placement, the phone should have rung at least once. I am tired, so tired of doing everything right and having nothing to show for it.

Our one year TTC anniversary has come and gone and it hurts like hell. We jumped into this with everything we had and still, nothing. We were so sure this was our answer, the right path and now it just feels like it was a distraction, a very expensive distraction.

Today is S’s birthday. We joked about how great it would be to tell people she got a baby for her birthday. What a gift! And now I want to take the crib apart, pry the carseat out of the car and give away anything baby related. I can’t look at it. It just hurts way too much.

Adding to my frustration, members of our class told us their  SW hinted that  a placement was on the way. They aren’t even licensed yet! These people are big AW’s who like to flaunt their money and try to make this process a competition. If  their bank account brings them a child first I will lose my freaking mind.

And a final bit of upset, my family. I told a few of them via email and didn’t get much in return. One took 4 days to respond with a very insincere sounding, keep me posted. I should know not to expect anything from them but I always hope, just a little bit. How can they not ask about the nursery, the process, our age range? Not one of them has asked if we need anything, not one! Internet friends have asked but not my own flesh and blood.

I am just so sad. I am terrified we will never have a family, biological or otherwise. What if this whole thing was a waste of time? What if the universe really is trying to tell us something?

What then?

I can’t type through the tears anymore tonight.

Always With The Waiting Monday, Mar 2 2009 

Waiting for our phone to ring is  a lot like a two week wait, only with no end in sight.

Once we graduated and became placement ready we were flying high. Excitement bubbled through our conversations and I could feel the anticipation humming through my veins. When I laid down I could hear the blood pumping in my ears and my fingertips tingled. I had that butterfly feeling in my stomach and my toes curled with expectation. I was so sure the phone would ring any second. And now, now that the phone is eerily silent, not even a wrong number today, I feel the same defeat that a stark white test used to bring.

I know the phone will ring, eventually. I know we didn’t do this for nothing. I know it’s only been a few days. It’s just harder now. Last year we were living in two week chunks of hope and despair and before we started this, time stretched out for an eternity because we had no idea when we would be able to start trying again.

And now the ante is upped. We chose this path and it was so hard. It still hurts. We raced through the process, the only ones to be placement ready in our whole class. Every room has something baby related in it. Crib, swing, bouncer, tiny clothes, diapers, car seat. The ever growing collection of organic baby food mocks me from atop the fridge. Seriously. I may hide it.

I am trying to be patient, trying not to be emotional. I am just so tired of waiting. I am so tired of it NOT being our turn. How much longer do we have to wait and hope? How many more freaking hoops do we need to jump through? Haven’t we proven ourselves enough yet? We have done everything they asked of us and more. It’s time. It’s our time, isn’t it?

The path to parenthood, in any form for us it seems, is steep and rocky and covered in obstacles. But still S and I climb it willingly. We just know it will all be worth it, one day.