Waiting for our phone to ring is  a lot like a two week wait, only with no end in sight.

Once we graduated and became placement ready we were flying high. Excitement bubbled through our conversations and I could feel the anticipation humming through my veins. When I laid down I could hear the blood pumping in my ears and my fingertips tingled. I had that butterfly feeling in my stomach and my toes curled with expectation. I was so sure the phone would ring any second. And now, now that the phone is eerily silent, not even a wrong number today, I feel the same defeat that a stark white test used to bring.

I know the phone will ring, eventually. I know we didn’t do this for nothing. I know it’s only been a few days. It’s just harder now. Last year we were living in two week chunks of hope and despair and before we started this, time stretched out for an eternity because we had no idea when we would be able to start trying again.

And now the ante is upped. We chose this path and it was so hard. It still hurts. We raced through the process, the only ones to be placement ready in our whole class. Every room has something baby related in it. Crib, swing, bouncer, tiny clothes, diapers, car seat. The ever growing collection of organic baby food mocks me from atop the fridge. Seriously. I may hide it.

I am trying to be patient, trying not to be emotional. I am just so tired of waiting. I am so tired of it NOT being our turn. How much longer do we have to wait and hope? How many more freaking hoops do we need to jump through? Haven’t we proven ourselves enough yet? We have done everything they asked of us and more. It’s time. It’s our time, isn’t it?

The path to parenthood, in any form for us it seems, is steep and rocky and covered in obstacles. But still S and I climb it willingly. We just know it will all be worth it, one day.

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