I am in a bad place right now. My patience is shot , my nerves are fried and I’m just plain old upset.

From what we have heard we should have had a call by now, even if we didn’t accept the placement, the phone should have rung at least once. I am tired, so tired of doing everything right and having nothing to show for it.

Our one year TTC anniversary has come and gone and it hurts like hell. We jumped into this with everything we had and still, nothing. We were so sure this was our answer, the right path and now it just feels like it was a distraction, a very expensive distraction.

Today is S’s birthday. We joked about how great it would be to tell people she got a baby for her birthday. What a gift! And now I want to take the crib apart, pry the carseat out of the car and give away anything baby related. I can’t look at it. It just hurts way too much.

Adding to my frustration, members of our class told us their  SW hinted that  a placement was on the way. They aren’t even licensed yet! These people are big AW’s who like to flaunt their money and try to make this process a competition. If  their bank account brings them a child first I will lose my freaking mind.

And a final bit of upset, my family. I told a few of them via email and didn’t get much in return. One took 4 days to respond with a very insincere sounding, keep me posted. I should know not to expect anything from them but I always hope, just a little bit. How can they not ask about the nursery, the process, our age range? Not one of them has asked if we need anything, not one! Internet friends have asked but not my own flesh and blood.

I am just so sad. I am terrified we will never have a family, biological or otherwise. What if this whole thing was a waste of time? What if the universe really is trying to tell us something?

What then?

I can’t type through the tears anymore tonight.