I have way too much time on my hands, a way too vivid imagination and a lot of hurt and disappointment swirling through me. Together that is the perfect storm. That fun little combo has send my poor little mind spinning in a million different directions. Here is a small sampling of where has stopped on this tour of torture.

They haven’t called because-part 1. Last week I decided that we weren’t getting calls because we don’t have a house, we are apartment dwellers. Never mind that we live in the nicest city in our entire county, we are apartment dwellers and therefore unsuitable foster parents. I had a bad few days of feeling really inadequate and loserish and then moved onto

They haven’t called because -part 2. Part two goes like this, we suck. Yes, that is right. No calls because we suck. We bought what was needed for our visit and more; crib, carseast ( two of them ) bouncer, swing, clothes etc. However, we didn’t buy the very best of everything. The dream crib resides only as a bookmark on my computer, the same goes for dream bedding, stroller, changing table, organic mattress and carseats. I was, still am a  bit, wracked with guilt that we are holding out on this potential child. I know in my heart of hearts, if one of us were pregnant, I would find a way to get all these dream items. But I didn’t do that this time and therefore, no calls because we are cheap and sucky and somehow they know it. These horrible thoughts easily segued into

They haven’t called because -part 3. I decided that it wasn’t quality that was keeping the calls away, it was quantity. We don’t have enough stuff so, no call for us. I will spare you the list of stuff I am convinced we need right. this. second. It’s quite long and depressing as S has declared a moratorium on purchasing until they do call us. Oh, how I curse the Catch 22. Naturally I found my way to

They haven’t called because-part 4. Yesterday I decided that hadn’t called because our house wasn’t clean enough. This led to the creation of a chore chart and the vacuum cleaner and I spending some serious time together today. Oh yes, couch cushions, nooks, crannies and the poor kitty beds got a serious dose of suction. After that I rearranged the refrigerator into perfect rows of store-bought goodness. After that I gave myself a break, coming up with

They haven’t called because-part 5. Here it is, they haven’t called, because they haven’t called. There is no magic answer. They don’t care about my couch cushions, dream crib and I am pretty sure they don’t think we suck. They just haven’t called and I cannot do a damn thing about it. It’s just like TTC, luck of the draw. You can plan, pray and prepare but ultimately, what will be, will be. And I think that hurts the most.

I cannot do anything more for myself, for Bree, for Poppy, for Laurieann, for Tbean or anyone else I may have forgotten to mention, and that is terribly unfair.

I am so sorry, for all of us.

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