Dear Friend,

Thanks so much for calling this weekend! It was a nice surprise.

I really enjoyed you comparing our home to a preschool because we have St. Patrick’s Day decorations out. It was even better when you rolled your eyes at the crib and proclaimed the room, “not really a nursery.” As lovely was your insistence that we were ridiculous for having our carseats checked for safety.

I think my favorite part of the night was dinner. Of course we had planned on eating in a real restaurant but I understand your fast food craving and was thrilled to spend Saturday sitting on a hard plastic bench eating processed foods. What capped off the gourmet meal was your super fun announcement. Do you remember?

Let me refresh your memory. You asked if you could tell that someone was pregnant without me getting upset. S shook her head no repeatedly but you kept talking. When you saw my face you said to forget it. Well, I would have liked to, but I already knew. There was only one person it could be. I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to hear that the falling down perma-drunk, pill popping druggie is pregnant. How great! I hope she doesn’t steal this child’s medication like she did when she was a nanny. 

When I burst into tears thanks for making it even worse for me by proclaiming you ,”didn’t know I was still  so upset about the whole baby thing”. It’s so nice to feel like a freak show while sniffling into a paper napkin under fluorescent lights. Telling me the baby would probably have 10 heads was also super helpful!

I know you realized your mistake and appreciate you trying to make me feel better. Yes, promising me you wouldn’t have a baby before me was very thoughtful, especially since I know all about your abortion.

All in all I would say it was a fun night. It’s not often that you get to share insults, tears, humiliation and heartache with your close friend over curly fries.

Next time you need to get out of the house please give us a call, we would love to return the favor someday soon.

P.S. Let me be the first to congratulate you on your excellent decision regarding this mommy to be. Not reporting her if you find out she is using during her pregnancy is a great idea! I mean, who needs all those pesky social workers, doctors and judges getting involved, right? Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is best kept a secret. You are one smart cookie!