Do The Right Thing? Tuesday, May 26 2009 

I am not holding out much hope for today’s CA Supreme Court ddecision. It seemed like their minds were made up long before today. I am just hoping they don’t invalidate all 18,000 marriages, mine included.

How sad that we even have to go through all of this.

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Protected: So F*cking Frustrated!(same) Tuesday, May 19 2009 

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Protected: Dreading The Visit(same but backwards) Thursday, May 14 2009 

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I May Suck At This Monday, May 11 2009 

I want to tell you everything but I may be too tired. I’ll try.

Little Miss C is very difficult. She has every right to be given her shitty past but that doesn’t make it easy. Bonding with a child who spends most of the day screaming is hard. Then I feel like a failure for not being able to see past the tantrums and that gives way to a total lack of patience.  Just when I think we have made progress it’s time for a visit with her parents and we are back to square one. It’s awful. I finally gave in and sat in the bathroom and cried this weekend.

Going from 0 to 2 children in two weeks is hard. I feel like a huge ass for complaining. We wanted this so badly but in the middle of yet another tantrum I told S that we should have gotten a bunny instead. I feel like I should instantly snap into super mom mode and manage to do it all. Right now I can’t even mange to not cry let alone clean, bake and craft. I suck.

Precious Baby S is a lot easier and I feel guilty for saying that, but it’s true. She is rarely fussy and we know when she is overstimulated and can understand her cries. I feel like LMC is jealous but that is a good thing. She doesn’t bond well so if she wants our attention it means she cares, which is a step in the right direction.

We dropped off a gift for our mentor today and she insisted S and I go to lunch alone. She literally pushed us out the door. I had a hard time leaving because I felt guilty ( anyone see a theme? ) for needing time away. Not very super momish to run to the nearest mexican restaurant only 2. 5 weeks in but we did and it was lovely and so quiet.

I find myself saying that LMC hates me. We are together all day and I am pretty sure she is over me. She loves to see S and cries when she leaves for work but couldn’t give two shits when I leave the room and it makes me feel awful which makes me feel pathetic.

I will confess that I have often wondered how different it would be with a biological child. Easier? Harder? Would I be a better mom? Will I ever have the chance to find out? I love these girls but I want so much to try to have a bio baby. I’m sorry if that sounds awful. I just can’t give up the dream, not yet anyway.

Thanks for listening to all my guilty feelings and pathetic whining. I promise I will be more positive in the next post.

These girls are a gift and I have to remember that no matter how bad a day we are having.

The Baby Is Home! Thursday, May 7 2009 

Baby S came home tonight. I have never been happier. She is the most amazing little angel.

We have being doing respite care for her since she was around 5 weeks and she has changed so much. She was born addicted to a host of drugs and had awful withdrawls, even while medicated. Now that she is done with all the meds she has blossomed. The tiny unconsolable baby gained almost 2 pounds, she laughs and smiles at you, she gets more beautiful everyday and her coos make my heart melt and heal at the same time. I am so in love.

Her parents are not doing anything they should be to get her back, even missing two recent visits. How sad that they are missing out on the joy that she brings to the world.

I feel so lucky to get to care for her and love her.

I Missed You So Much! Wednesday, May 6 2009 

It’s heaven to be back online. I missed all of your updates, having your support and just being able to get out all I am feeling.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am hoping that means it will turn out to be the most rewarding.

Little C is adorable but very difficult. She has serious speech delays so she communicates by screaming, a lot, over just about everything. Her former foster mom handed her food every timeshe started to tantrum so she has some food issues as well. We also discovered that she was put to sleep with sippy cups full of juice or chocolate milk to keep her from screaming.

It goes without saying that will never happen in our home. I won’t even admit to how much screaming there was the first week. I actually kept the windows closed, I was so afraid someone would call the police, no joke. We have her in a routine now and the crying at nap/bedtime has lessened. The food issue was getting better but then she had a visit with her parents last week and it all fell apart.

I went to her visit and supervised and will do it again tomorrow. I won’t lie. I am dreading it. It’s so hard to watch your hard work come undone in two hours time. It’s hard to bite your tongue when you how inappropriate they are. It sheds a lot of light on why she acts the way she does and what she needs from us. I also can see very clearly why she was removed. I went through an angry few days,  they can have children so easily and treat them so horribly, while so many of us struggle. I will never understand it.

On the plus side, she is the cutest child I have seen in a  long time She has an amazing laugh, loves to play and is very gentle with her sister. I am trying very hard to be patient and not expect miracles, which is tough for me. I want so much to fix everything instantly. I am working on going easy on myself and reminding myself hat she has been through a lot and is headed for the terrible twos.

Her baby sister is joining us Thursday night and I am thrilled. We have spent a lot of time with the baby and already have a strong bond with her. C does very well with her and it’s a nice for her to have  something to focus on, other than food, during the day.

I am catching up on my reader and sending my congratulations, sympathies, excitement and encouragement to you. I really did miss this safe little space .

Thanks for checking in on me, it meant so much to know you were thinking of me.

We Are Alive Friday, May 1 2009 

Our compter has a nasty virus. I haven’t been able to access anything since last week. We are adjusting well, she is a handful but a joy. The baby should be joining us by the end of next week.New computer on the way and Iwill update soon. Hoping for good news from all of you when I check reader.