I want to tell you everything but I may be too tired. I’ll try.

Little Miss C is very difficult. She has every right to be given her shitty past but that doesn’t make it easy. Bonding with a child who spends most of the day screaming is hard. Then I feel like a failure for not being able to see past the tantrums and that gives way to a total lack of patience.  Just when I think we have made progress it’s time for a visit with her parents and we are back to square one. It’s awful. I finally gave in and sat in the bathroom and cried this weekend.

Going from 0 to 2 children in two weeks is hard. I feel like a huge ass for complaining. We wanted this so badly but in the middle of yet another tantrum I told S that we should have gotten a bunny instead. I feel like I should instantly snap into super mom mode and manage to do it all. Right now I can’t even mange to not cry let alone clean, bake and craft. I suck.

Precious Baby S is a lot easier and I feel guilty for saying that, but it’s true. She is rarely fussy and we know when she is overstimulated and can understand her cries. I feel like LMC is jealous but that is a good thing. She doesn’t bond well so if she wants our attention it means she cares, which is a step in the right direction.

We dropped off a gift for our mentor today and she insisted S and I go to lunch alone. She literally pushed us out the door. I had a hard time leaving because I felt guilty ( anyone see a theme? ) for needing time away. Not very super momish to run to the nearest mexican restaurant only 2. 5 weeks in but we did and it was lovely and so quiet.

I find myself saying that LMC hates me. We are together all day and I am pretty sure she is over me. She loves to see S and cries when she leaves for work but couldn’t give two shits when I leave the room and it makes me feel awful which makes me feel pathetic.

I will confess that I have often wondered how different it would be with a biological child. Easier? Harder? Would I be a better mom? Will I ever have the chance to find out? I love these girls but I want so much to try to have a bio baby. I’m sorry if that sounds awful. I just can’t give up the dream, not yet anyway.

Thanks for listening to all my guilty feelings and pathetic whining. I promise I will be more positive in the next post.

These girls are a gift and I have to remember that no matter how bad a day we are having.

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