Moving Ahead? Monday, Nov 10 2008 

S and I are still going back and forth about what to do next.

We cannot manage the fees with the new clinic just yet so we are on hold there. We still have two vials on ice with the awful Dr. M. We have discussed doing a natural TI cycle with the two remaining vials next month.

We could; 1 try at home, though IUI samples aren’t great for that or, 2 suck it up and see Dr. M one last time. Actually, there is a secret choice 3, we could save those vials for when we can start at the new clinic.

All of these ideas sound crappy to me. I feel like none of them offers us a real chance. I am getting so frustrated and antsy. I feel like we are falling behind, losing momentum and hope by the second. I feel like there are signs everywhere that something is going to happen. I just don’t know what or when.

A few months ago someone posted a link for a free BPA free baby bottle. I never sign up for bay related freebies. I assumed it would jinx us. HA! I signed up and this weekend we got our little package. I just kind of stare at it, wondering if I will ever need it.

I bought a friend of mine some baby clothes and they are hanging in our closet. Tiny and perfect. I keep trying to make myself send them to her but I can’t seem to part with them.

I keep dreaming about positive pregnancy tests, labor and babies.

Today I called and requested information about becoming a foster parent. We talked about doing this some time ago but I finally pushed the subject. I have nothing but time since I am not working and more love to give than I know what to do with. I will confess that I wanted to hear that I could do all the paperwork rigth this very second but… it’s a county agency. It will be a month before I can even attend the informational meeting.  Meanwhile, all these kids have nowhere to go for the holidays. They could be with us instead.

Everything is moving at a snails pace, everything except time, which I feel is running out for us. I cannot be childless anymore. I just can’t.

So, choices 1, 2 and 3. What would you do?

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I Hate Dr. M Monday, Jul 14 2008 

Do you remember when you were little and said that you hated someone? You were always admonished that you “didn’t hate” the person, you were just angry, upset etc. Well, I am all grown-up and there aren’t any teachers around and I need to get this out so…

I HATE YOU Dr. M! I REALLY REALLY HATE YOU! I think you are a pompous ass who cannot handle a woman questioning your methods. You do not have our best interests in mind and I wish we had never come to see you. I think you are a crappy RE with a shitty track record and belong back in school where you can learn what every other RE on Earth already knows and brush up on your people skills to boot. Screw you!

Okay, so, Saturdays appointment clearly did not go well. On CD 1 when we spoke to Dr. M he said he wanted to do 250IU of Follistim with a target of 4-8 follies at trigger. 8 may seem high but given that we had at least 3 on our Clomid cycle he really wanted to up our chances. We were both pleased that he was finally being aggressive. At the CD 3 U/S he said 150IU of Follistim and 4-6. He did agree that depending on the CD 6 U/S we could up the dose, the step-up protocol.

Saturday brought us 4 follies, 2 on each side with the larger ones on the left. We were a little disappointed, mainly because for thirty dollars worth of Clomid we had at least 3 so why spend thousands for only one more follie? We could have just upped the Clomid. Dr. M said that depending on her blood work results he would up her dose and try to get us to 6. We waited and waited.. no call. S callled him and left a really heartfelt message; this may be our last shot at this, we need every follie  we can get, we know the risk of HOM but given our track record don’t feel that is an issue. What were my numbers from today? Oh, we would like to do back to back IUI’s as well, just to cover all the bases.

His message: NO. Your numbers are perfect ( never mind that “perfect” is not a freaking answer) I will see if I feel a need for a second IUI later this week. Umm.. where was the explanation, the reassurance that she didn’t need more? Something other than no. Tell her something so she won’t worry. She was upset but more embarrassed I think. Rejected by the RE. What an ass. I was so angry I thought I might vomit.

After that we thought some retail therapy might perk us up. While S looked for tops I found myself face to face with the baby section. I hadn’t planned on walking that way, it just happened. I wandered amongst the rounders and racks. I touched the softest blankets and smiled at the adorable outfits and wrinkled my nose at the seriously heinous ones. I was doing okay until I found myself face to face with the most adorable thing I have ever seen. I usually don’t go for the whole little girls in pink but… oh my. It was the tiniest Ralph Lauren Polo dress, complete with tennis pleats and a plaid collar. All ready for the country club. I started to tear up, I willed myself to let go of it but I couldn’t. S found me there a few mins later. She hates pink but was moved by this little dress all the same. We both stood there, each holding a pleat , eyes shimmering, and hoping with all our hearts for our dream to come true. My dear friend is expecting a baby girl in a few months. We bought the dress for her.

For those wondering how the Follistim is going, I would say pretty well. The shots do not hurt, S says. She has been tired and had some headaches but nothing much else. She usually bruises easily but only has one small mark so far. She is an amazing woman and so much stronger than she knows. I love her so much.

Our next follie check is on Tuesday. I am praying that two more magically appear by then. I am praying for patience, calm and grace when face to face with Dr. M.

“Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there’s a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living.” Anonymous