Finding The Words Monday, Jan 19 2009 

I have had a hard time finding my words this week. It’s pretty rare for me and a week of bottled up roller-coaster emotions has bought me insomnia coupled with nightmares every evening.

So, however inelegant, incomprehensible or incoherent here come the words.

Dr. B was nice. I am very wary now of all RE’s so a nice is all he gets. His office runs very efficiently and professionally. All good in my book. He is competent and I never heard anything that would raise a red flag or concern me. All good again.

As far as S in concerned he suggests moving straight to IVF. We do not entirely disagree but would like to see how she responds to a cycle that is properly medicated/managed. We cannot afford IVF and are trying to use me so the whole thing is moot, for now.

As far as I am concerned, I am not a lost cause, just a tricky, risky, expensive one. Nothing I didn’t already know. Still, so hard to hear. I have PCOS and a clotting factor. Together this means I will need ovulation induction and anti-coagulation therapy, Heparin injections 2x daily from stims through postpartum. My miscarriage risk is huge, a percentage that whenever mentioned makes S’s eyes go wide. I will probably need a hematologist as well. I have no desire to shoot myself full of anti-coagulants for months on end without a second opinion and extra monitoring.

When I do cycle it will look something like this:

1. Consult with hematologist to confirm diagnoses/treatment

2.Prometrium to force AF

3.CD3 FSH and Estradiol

4.HSG-really really don’t want to do this but will, probably

5.Clomid 100mg

6.Heparin injections 2x daily

7.U/S to monitor follies

8.HcG trigger

9.Back to back IUI’s

10.Progesterone during TWW

It kind of makes me ill to see it. It’s not impossible but it feels like I am staring straight up at Everest. How the hell will I ever get to the top?

Almost all of this is an out of pocket expense so we will not be starting in February as I hoped. No 2009 baby for us. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t devastated. All because of money. I am bitter, really bitter. I will have a turn, I know I will. I just don’t know when and that really hurts and scares me. 

In other news, we are moving a brisk pace towards getting licensed as foster parents. Our mounds of paperwork are all filled out, we have attended more classes and are starting to child-proof the house. We just need a crib and a carseat now. After that we can schedule our home visit. EEK!

We were very honored this week to have received a surprise gift from a fellow blogger and her wife.  I am not sure if they want to be named, but we are so grateful for the beautiful card and gift certificate. Thank you again!

Buoyed by their support we made our first big foster baby purchase, a travel system along with some clothes and bottles! It was surreal to be standing there practicing collapsing the stroller and arguing over bottles. It was exciting but really bittersweet too. Does that make sense?

When we were at home hanging tiny clothes on ting hangers the reality of it all hit me. Whoever wears this little out fit is not my child. There will be no first day of school, prom or going off to college. No ultrasounds,  no showers with those perfect little sandwiches, no congratulatory cards, no eager visitors. Not. Our. Baby.

We will love these children with all we have but there is a sadness that I don’t think will ever leave us. There is also guilt. I feel like, in a way, we are giving up on our biological babies. We are buying cribs and clothes for other people’s children and not moving forward with trying to conceive our own. But there is a big difference betwen a crib and thousands of dollars in treatments/meds/monitoring and sperm. Crib, doable? The other? Not so much.

I feel like the dream is slipping further and further away from me. But, there is nothing else we can do right now. Our hands are tied at the moment. It sucks and it makes me really angry but I still feel sure that doing this will be good for us. These children already exist and right now, at this very second, they are being neglected, abused and hurt. We have the chance to fix that, to heal them, how can we not?

It’s been a strange week of ups and downs. I expect these kinds of feelings will continue for some time. I hope that doesn’t make me sound awful or selfish.

I honestly do think that we will be better people, better spouses and when our time comes, better parents because we have walked this path.

All will be well…. one day.

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Some Good News Sunday, Sep 14 2008 

I bet you thought you were lost for a minute!

Yes, this is the right blog, just with actual good news for a change.

Our last visit revealed a crappy lining and only one follie responding to a combination of Clomid and Follistim. We were instructed to wait for a +OPK and trigger if we didn’t get that by Saturday.

S started to surge on her own yesterday so no trigger shot was needed, first bit of good news. Then, Dr. M squeezed us in today for the IUI because he was worried her surge would be short again. I didn’t even have to ask or argue. More good news.

Then, the ultrasound revealed a much improved lining, not perfect but much much better. Dr. M told us to keep S on the Estrace, no arguing or questioning again. Whoo hoo!

We saw the one perfect follie ready to burst at 22, up from 15.5 the other day. But then we got the best surprise of all. Somehow, that little pitiful 9-10mm follie had blossomed into a 22!!! Bonus follie, YAY! Even more amazing, the third sad follie had increased to a 16! Dr. M felt there was such a good chance of it being mature by tomorrow that he offered to do another IUI for us on  Sunday. He is coming in just for us!

So, we will end up with at least two, possibly three follies and back to back IUI’s this time around. He is keeping her on Estrace and is adding a funky cocktail of progesterone’s two to three times a day to keep her LP nice and long.

He said he is rooting for us and doing all he can to make this a success. I believe him this time.

I know anything can happen but that little bit of unexpected news is good enough for right now. 

I think I will be able to sleep tonight, for the first time in a long time.

And Now We Wait Saturday, Jul 19 2008 

Well, it’s done. We got our back to back IUI’s and thank heavens because S had ovulated from one side between yesterday and today. We had much better numbers from the new bank. Iam so glad we found them!

Dr. M knew we were still upset and made it his business to be extra nice. He said it’s not over yet and not to stress out. He said his fingers were crossed for us. They had better be mister. He tried to make nice and I appreciate that he acknowledged how disappointed we were with his care.

What shocked me the most was that S, who is normally super pessimist to my absurd optimism, said she had a good feeling this time and was strangely calm on the way home. G-d I hope she is right.

Let the pineapple,  prometrium and POM juice begin!

Happy Friday, have a great weekend!