A Little Pregnant Sunday, Aug 3 2008 

Apparently, S was pregnant, even if for just a day or two. A chemical pregnancy for us this cycle. Her beta had already fallen to around 5, the blood is here full force. There was nothing we could do, but don’t think for one crazy moment I didn’t think it could magically double. Given what happened last cycle, very early breakthrough bleeding and a cyst,  it looks like last month may have been a chemical pregnancy too.

The optimist in me immediately thought it was good that at least we knew S could get pregnant. I tried so hard to convince myself she would be comforted  by that in some small way.  All this time she was thinking she was doing something wrong, that she was somehow failing. I was right for about ten minutes. Then reality set in. Our dream had come true but had only stayed alive for just a little bit. Seeing a stark white pregnancy test and the obnoxious Not Pregnant on a digital is pretty painful but a toilet bowl full of what could have been is really, really heartbreaking.

I tried to spoil her today, pedicures, fun lunch out, lots of love and comforting words. At some point she looked at me and said,” I am sorry I lost our baby.” I can’t tell you how much that hurt. She says she knows she couldn’t have done anything any better but I know it is painful for her in ways I cannot understand.

We had previous plans to see my mom today. She knew something was wrong the second she saw us, but I didn’t say anything. The temptation was huge though. I wanted nothing more than to run crying to my mommy like a little girl and beg her to fix it. I remember when I was little my mom could fix anything. I don’t know how she did it but I wish she still could.

We are on a forced break for a month. The cyst has to resolve and S needs a break, physically and emotionally. We are going to use this time to regroup and decide what to do next. We want to change doctors but Dr. M is trying to lure us back with the promise of free meds and reduced fees. Kind of tempting… we’ll see. For now we are going to try to enjoy a little freedom; no shots, vag cam dates, peeing on assorted sticks.

I will continue to wish, hope and pray. I know one day we will hold our baby.

Dr. M (aka Birth Control )Listened!!! Saturday, Aug 2 2008 

Dr. M insisted we come and see him today. We were in no mood and were watching our friends  daughter for the day, but we went anyway. I felt so guilty about having a child in the RE’s office. I hate when other people do that but Ididn’t have much of a choice. I rushed her in, sat her in the farthest, darkest corner and stood in front of her the whole time. I still felt like a jerk.

I think he was ready for some hostility, tears or anger from me but I threw him off by staying absurdly calm. I like to keep him guessing 🙂 They made S take a pg test, the third negative of the day. I asked about a beta but he dismissed me, until he saw the U/S. S’s lining is a 9+, hardly the lining of a woman with AF. He agreed that AF breaking through prometrium this early was very odd. He said that he would do the beta, just to be sure. He said he expects a negative. Gee, thanks. At least he finally listened to us. It only took 6 months! In all honesty, we know it will be negative but some explanation is needed. Maybe the blood work will help us find our answer.

Apparently S has a CL cyst that will probably not go away by CD3. We can aspirate it or sit out a month. He wants us to sit out a month. UGH. He swears he will be aggressive with meds, even give us some meds to save us some money. He will up her Prometriumto 3x per day. He didn’t even charge us for today’s visit. It’s nice that he is trying but it might be too little too late. We haven’t made up our minds about anything yet. It all feels a bit overwhelming right now. What would you do?

We are just waiting for confirmation of a negative beta now. We have cried it all out and now just feel really tired and in need of ice cream.

I am always amazed at the range of emotions we can have in such a short period of time. From scared to hopeful to devastated in just a day or so. I think all of this has taught me that my faith in the power of our dreams cannot be broken. I know I falter a bit during bad moments but I always bounce back. No one, not even Dr. M, will keep us from becoming mommies. I won’t let it happen.