Dreams Friday, Oct 24 2008 

For the last 3 or 4 nights I have had baby dreams. Every night I dream about being a mom, holding a baby, labor or something baby related. I am always happy in my dreams. When I wake up and realize it was only a dream I am always so sad.

I feel a thousand miles away from our goal of parenthood right now. So strange given all the trying. Even failing every month made me feel like we were doing something. Now, well now, we are just drifting, no real plan, no specific donor to covet…just nothingness.

This may sound insane, but I am more sad and upset to be on a break than to see a BFN. It’s like the lottery, you can’t win if you don’t play. We aren’t playing so we sure as hell aren’t winning anytime soon.

I know I shouldn’t be bitter, but I am . I know so many people have tried a lot longer and been through so much more than we have. We aren’t original or special by any means. It just feels so bad and lonely and empty.

I just want to be a mom. I just want to hold our baby. I just want it to stop hurting.

Advertisements

Confession Wednesday, Aug 20 2008 

I have been MIA because of guilt. I am the queen of worry and feeling guilty, if it were an Olympic sport I would be Phelps.

Why such guilt you ask? Well, we are on a  forced break this month. I expected to be really angry at a wasted month. Instead, I am loving the break. It is so nice not having shots, pills, ultrasounds and the ugly worry that comes during the TWW. I relish our free time, uncluttered medicine cabinet and the lightness that comes without worry and heartache.

 I feel awful, like somehow a month without torture equals not really committing to this child. How dumb is that? I know it’s dumb. I know it’s okay to take a moment to breathe. Still, I can’t shake the guilt. UGH.

The break will be over soon enough. I should take comfort that very soon I will be back on the psychotic merry-go-round that is TTC 🙂

I am already taking deep breaths and preparing for what I know will be a tough cycle. S has lost all faith in everything. I know she dreads the shots and vag cam appointments. I know she dreads another chemical pregnancy. I know that being pregnant or holding our baby seems impossible to her.

I still have faith though. It’s been shaken, dented and dinged, but it’s still there. I close my eyes and see our dream coming true. No matter what we have to go through to make it happen, we will find a way, we always do.

That is what faith is all about.