Finding The Words Monday, Jan 19 2009 

I have had a hard time finding my words this week. It’s pretty rare for me and a week of bottled up roller-coaster emotions has bought me insomnia coupled with nightmares every evening.

So, however inelegant, incomprehensible or incoherent here come the words.

Dr. B was nice. I am very wary now of all RE’s so a nice is all he gets. His office runs very efficiently and professionally. All good in my book. He is competent and I never heard anything that would raise a red flag or concern me. All good again.

As far as S in concerned he suggests moving straight to IVF. We do not entirely disagree but would like to see how she responds to a cycle that is properly medicated/managed. We cannot afford IVF and are trying to use me so the whole thing is moot, for now.

As far as I am concerned, I am not a lost cause, just a tricky, risky, expensive one. Nothing I didn’t already know. Still, so hard to hear. I have PCOS and a clotting factor. Together this means I will need ovulation induction and anti-coagulation therapy, Heparin injections 2x daily from stims through postpartum. My miscarriage risk is huge, a percentage that whenever mentioned makes S’s eyes go wide. I will probably need a hematologist as well. I have no desire to shoot myself full of anti-coagulants for months on end without a second opinion and extra monitoring.

When I do cycle it will look something like this:

1. Consult with hematologist to confirm diagnoses/treatment

2.Prometrium to force AF

3.CD3 FSH and Estradiol

4.HSG-really really don’t want to do this but will, probably

5.Clomid 100mg

6.Heparin injections 2x daily

7.U/S to monitor follies

8.HcG trigger

9.Back to back IUI’s

10.Progesterone during TWW

It kind of makes me ill to see it. It’s not impossible but it feels like I am staring straight up at Everest. How the hell will I ever get to the top?

Almost all of this is an out of pocket expense so we will not be starting in February as I hoped. No 2009 baby for us. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t devastated. All because of money. I am bitter, really bitter. I will have a turn, I know I will. I just don’t know when and that really hurts and scares me. 

In other news, we are moving a brisk pace towards getting licensed as foster parents. Our mounds of paperwork are all filled out, we have attended more classes and are starting to child-proof the house. We just need a crib and a carseat now. After that we can schedule our home visit. EEK!

We were very honored this week to have received a surprise gift from a fellow blogger and her wife.  I am not sure if they want to be named, but we are so grateful for the beautiful card and gift certificate. Thank you again!

Buoyed by their support we made our first big foster baby purchase, a travel system along with some clothes and bottles! It was surreal to be standing there practicing collapsing the stroller and arguing over bottles. It was exciting but really bittersweet too. Does that make sense?

When we were at home hanging tiny clothes on ting hangers the reality of it all hit me. Whoever wears this little out fit is not my child. There will be no first day of school, prom or going off to college. No ultrasounds,  no showers with those perfect little sandwiches, no congratulatory cards, no eager visitors. Not. Our. Baby.

We will love these children with all we have but there is a sadness that I don’t think will ever leave us. There is also guilt. I feel like, in a way, we are giving up on our biological babies. We are buying cribs and clothes for other people’s children and not moving forward with trying to conceive our own. But there is a big difference betwen a crib and thousands of dollars in treatments/meds/monitoring and sperm. Crib, doable? The other? Not so much.

I feel like the dream is slipping further and further away from me. But, there is nothing else we can do right now. Our hands are tied at the moment. It sucks and it makes me really angry but I still feel sure that doing this will be good for us. These children already exist and right now, at this very second, they are being neglected, abused and hurt. We have the chance to fix that, to heal them, how can we not?

It’s been a strange week of ups and downs. I expect these kinds of feelings will continue for some time. I hope that doesn’t make me sound awful or selfish.

I honestly do think that we will be better people, better spouses and when our time comes, better parents because we have walked this path.

All will be well…. one day.

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IUI#4 Tuesday, Jul 8 2008 

S had agreed to the HSG and as we suspected, she was prefect. As a bonus it didn’t even really hurt her, just uncomfortable and freaky she reports.

We went ahead with another TI, hoping the HSG would be enough of a boost. We went back to our old donor using the last of our credit with that bank, but vowing to find a new one if we needed it. We also agreed to switch RE’s if this cycle failed.

We got a perfect +OPK on CD 12 and had our IUI scheduled with on call guy the next day. S was worried that he would be rough. He doesn’t look at all warm. We were pleasantly surprised. He was great. Kind, warm and confused by our failed cycles. He wouldn’t even defrost our sample until he checked her out. S had a perfect lining and a perfect follicle ready to go. We had much better post thaw numbers and everything went smoothly. He joked that he would show Dr.M a thing or two. Oh how we hoped so. Crinone in hand we went happily home so I could stuff S full of pineapple.

I had such high hopes for this cycle. I allowed myself to dream of our nursery, I saw the two pink lines, the doubling betas. I didn’t even let S mention the words negative or failure or next cycle. I was so sure this was it.

BFN.

This one sucked the worst of them all. I choked on grief all weekend long. We are baffled, utterly confused, heartbroken and miserable. S actually cried when AF arrived today. She feels like a failure and nothing I say helps. It hurts to see her hurting. It hurts to have empty arms and broken dreams.

Where do we go from here? Well, we don’t have time for the new RE since we are already on CD1. We have decided to change banks and therefore donors.

Our Re was genuinely sorry when he called today. He knows how much money we have spent and how upset we are. I know he knows that two of those cycles failed because his office screwed up. I am pretty sure he knows I want to wring his neck.

He agreed that the new bank is better and a donor switch is a great plan. He finally, finally, agreed to injectables plus a trigger and better monitoring. He values his neck I suppose.

CD 3 ultrasound to determine stims start is on Wednesday. We managed to come up with the huge chunk of money, we don’t really have, to spend on new fish that must fly across the country. We just need to pray that it begins to rain Follistim sometime bewtween now and Wednesday. I haven’t a clue how we will swing this but I have faith, as always.

Our dream will come true.

“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” Shel Silverstein

Up next, IUI# 5, Follistim, trigger, aspirin, progesterone, new donor