Dr. M (aka Birth Control )Listened!!! Saturday, Aug 2 2008 

Dr. M insisted we come and see him today. We were in no mood and were watching our friends  daughter for the day, but we went anyway. I felt so guilty about having a child in the RE’s office. I hate when other people do that but Ididn’t have much of a choice. I rushed her in, sat her in the farthest, darkest corner and stood in front of her the whole time. I still felt like a jerk.

I think he was ready for some hostility, tears or anger from me but I threw him off by staying absurdly calm. I like to keep him guessing 🙂 They made S take a pg test, the third negative of the day. I asked about a beta but he dismissed me, until he saw the U/S. S’s lining is a 9+, hardly the lining of a woman with AF. He agreed that AF breaking through prometrium this early was very odd. He said that he would do the beta, just to be sure. He said he expects a negative. Gee, thanks. At least he finally listened to us. It only took 6 months! In all honesty, we know it will be negative but some explanation is needed. Maybe the blood work will help us find our answer.

Apparently S has a CL cyst that will probably not go away by CD3. We can aspirate it or sit out a month. He wants us to sit out a month. UGH. He swears he will be aggressive with meds, even give us some meds to save us some money. He will up her Prometriumto 3x per day. He didn’t even charge us for today’s visit. It’s nice that he is trying but it might be too little too late. We haven’t made up our minds about anything yet. It all feels a bit overwhelming right now. What would you do?

We are just waiting for confirmation of a negative beta now. We have cried it all out and now just feel really tired and in need of ice cream.

I am always amazed at the range of emotions we can have in such a short period of time. From scared to hopeful to devastated in just a day or so. I think all of this has taught me that my faith in the power of our dreams cannot be broken. I know I falter a bit during bad moments but I always bounce back. No one, not even Dr. M, will keep us from becoming mommies. I won’t let it happen.

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IUI #5, Cycle #6 is on! Thursday, Jul 10 2008 

S and saw our very favorite RE today, haha. He was actually very nice, concerned and patient this time. He knows we are concerned. The ultrasound wasn’t nearly as gross as S  thought it would be so that helped. Her lining was great but we were a bit surprised to find a small cyst on her right ovary. We haven’t done a medicated  cycle in two months so everyone was a bit confused. We were both concerned about her producing properly on that side but were assured it was safe to begin.

He gave us our odds of multiples, 25%-30% twins, less than 10% triplets. Whatever, as long as we don’t need our own TLC show, we are fine with multiples.  I told him very clearly that failure was not an option this cycle. When he began his little “there is always next month speech” I cut him right off. No next month. This is it. He managed a smile and said I was putting a  lot of pressure on him, making him nervous. I smiled as prettily as possible and told him that was the plan and that I would have my eye on him. He probably thinks I am insane. I am really fine with that 🙂

We went to our friendly neighborhood IF pharmacy to pick up our Follistim, HcG trigger and Prometrium. We made it a point to look away when we were rung up. I haven’t a clue how much all of that cost and I would like to keep it that way.

We rushed home to refrigerate our goods. I have to say, you hear Follistim pen, trigger and pills. You think, okay, a few things are in that bag. Um, no. A whole lot of things are in that bag. Take a gander at what one little Follistim cycle will get you in your magic bag. I know it’s not as much as an IVf cycle but….we were a bit surprised.

Holy Crap!

Holy Crap!

 S got a bit teary when she saw it all. She looked positively scared when she spotted the needle for her IM trigger. She feels so much pressure but it all comes from her. In all honesty, she has been utter perfection all along, it’s the bad samples and the RE’s timing that have been our issues. We have solved all of that this cycle. New sperm bank/donor, scared of me RE. Problems solved!

We read the directions a million times so as not not to jeapordize the goldmine of meds we were dealing with. She was so nervous about the injection but after a bit of hesitation did it perfectly. (For those wondering S reports she felt a tiny stick and a bit of burning after. Rare to feel burning I hear, she is just sensitive we think) I was so proud of her. I think she was proud of herself too and that makes me incredibly happy.

We have a scan on Saturday to see what she has cooking in there and to see if our dosage needs to be increased.

I am praying everything is just perfect and that somehow we can mange another vial of the new fish. I am thinking we should try for back to back IUI’s this time. Call me crazy or paranoid, but given our clinic’s history of crappy timing… I think we should cover all the bases.

I am full of hope again, which is good, but oh so very nervous too. We have so much riding on this cycle.  Please, please, let this be the one.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers– That perches in the soul–

And sings the tune without the words– And never stops–at all

 Emily Dickenson