Finding The Words Monday, Jan 19 2009 

I have had a hard time finding my words this week. It’s pretty rare for me and a week of bottled up roller-coaster emotions has bought me insomnia coupled with nightmares every evening.

So, however inelegant, incomprehensible or incoherent here come the words.

Dr. B was nice. I am very wary now of all RE’s so a nice is all he gets. His office runs very efficiently and professionally. All good in my book. He is competent and I never heard anything that would raise a red flag or concern me. All good again.

As far as S in concerned he suggests moving straight to IVF. We do not entirely disagree but would like to see how she responds to a cycle that is properly medicated/managed. We cannot afford IVF and are trying to use me so the whole thing is moot, for now.

As far as I am concerned, I am not a lost cause, just a tricky, risky, expensive one. Nothing I didn’t already know. Still, so hard to hear. I have PCOS and a clotting factor. Together this means I will need ovulation induction and anti-coagulation therapy, Heparin injections 2x daily from stims through postpartum. My miscarriage risk is huge, a percentage that whenever mentioned makes S’s eyes go wide. I will probably need a hematologist as well. I have no desire to shoot myself full of anti-coagulants for months on end without a second opinion and extra monitoring.

When I do cycle it will look something like this:

1. Consult with hematologist to confirm diagnoses/treatment

2.Prometrium to force AF

3.CD3 FSH and Estradiol

4.HSG-really really don’t want to do this but will, probably

5.Clomid 100mg

6.Heparin injections 2x daily

7.U/S to monitor follies

8.HcG trigger

9.Back to back IUI’s

10.Progesterone during TWW

It kind of makes me ill to see it. It’s not impossible but it feels like I am staring straight up at Everest. How the hell will I ever get to the top?

Almost all of this is an out of pocket expense so we will not be starting in February as I hoped. No 2009 baby for us. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t devastated. All because of money. I am bitter, really bitter. I will have a turn, I know I will. I just don’t know when and that really hurts and scares me. 

In other news, we are moving a brisk pace towards getting licensed as foster parents. Our mounds of paperwork are all filled out, we have attended more classes and are starting to child-proof the house. We just need a crib and a carseat now. After that we can schedule our home visit. EEK!

We were very honored this week to have received a surprise gift from a fellow blogger and her wife.  I am not sure if they want to be named, but we are so grateful for the beautiful card and gift certificate. Thank you again!

Buoyed by their support we made our first big foster baby purchase, a travel system along with some clothes and bottles! It was surreal to be standing there practicing collapsing the stroller and arguing over bottles. It was exciting but really bittersweet too. Does that make sense?

When we were at home hanging tiny clothes on ting hangers the reality of it all hit me. Whoever wears this little out fit is not my child. There will be no first day of school, prom or going off to college. No ultrasounds,  no showers with those perfect little sandwiches, no congratulatory cards, no eager visitors. Not. Our. Baby.

We will love these children with all we have but there is a sadness that I don’t think will ever leave us. There is also guilt. I feel like, in a way, we are giving up on our biological babies. We are buying cribs and clothes for other people’s children and not moving forward with trying to conceive our own. But there is a big difference betwen a crib and thousands of dollars in treatments/meds/monitoring and sperm. Crib, doable? The other? Not so much.

I feel like the dream is slipping further and further away from me. But, there is nothing else we can do right now. Our hands are tied at the moment. It sucks and it makes me really angry but I still feel sure that doing this will be good for us. These children already exist and right now, at this very second, they are being neglected, abused and hurt. We have the chance to fix that, to heal them, how can we not?

It’s been a strange week of ups and downs. I expect these kinds of feelings will continue for some time. I hope that doesn’t make me sound awful or selfish.

I honestly do think that we will be better people, better spouses and when our time comes, better parents because we have walked this path.

All will be well…. one day.

Advertisements

Shaking In My Boots! Monday, Jan 12 2009 

In a few short hours I will be face to face with Dr. B. I am scared and worried. ( Total understatement. I am petrified. )

The Dr. M nightmare replays in my mind and I see stark white test after stark white test. A sort of financial ticker clicks away in my head, how much did we spend last year?  Good G-d!

I don’t want to be a lost cause but I also don’t want  to be a great candidate and not be able to afford to try. Huh, big shock, I want it all!

I am literally sick to my stomach but I won’t cancel. I know it’s time for me to gather my courage, put the past behind me and hop into some stirrups.

I will be brave.

I will have faith.

I will find a way to do this.

I will have hope.

I will do all of these things just as soon as the nausea passes.

“Courage is when you’re afraid but you keep on moving anyway. Courage is when you’re in pain but you keep on living anyway.” The Strange Familiar

Still Excited! Thursday, Jan 8 2009 

First, thank you, thank you, thank you for your wonderful, kind and supportive comments. You made my day!

For those of you that asked questions, here is the scoop. We are just fostering, not adopting.  We can change our minds though. We are required to complete 24 hours of training, we have already done 3.  While training we can get everything else done; fingerprints, health screening, home visit etc. We will likely take children under the age of 5, though S can’t seem to make up her mind. We will see.

For fun, and to soothe S’s fears, I hopped onto the T.ar.get site and did a little faux shopping. I added to my cart everything I thought we would need to get the room ready for our home visit. I “bought” basic, but attractive, safe and well-reviewed items. Everything from crib to travel system to bottles and first aid. I threw in some basic baby toys, bedding, rails for a toddler bed even a nifty gadget that tests the temp of the bathwater. I added neutral colored onesies and sleep sacks, eco-friendlier diapers and wipes, a bathtub, organic washcloths, even a highchair. It took forever but when I was done my total was only around $1600. Not bad. I was pleasantly surprised. S wouldn’t admit it, but I think she was too. I think she just worries that we need all of this stuff ASAP. As soon as we have it we can do our home visit!

We are still TTC. My appointment is still on with the super, new , uber fancy, famous Dr. B on Monday. I am still terrified and honestly haven’t a clue how we will afford to set up a nursery and pay oop for meds and treatment. I, however, believe in miracles and fully expect one to show up sometime soon. Now would be good.

I refuse to give up the dream. I know I will find a way to make this work.

Failure is not an option.