Truth Monday, Nov 17 2008 

There are some ugly, stressful, unhappy things happening in my world. I have hinted at them before but never really laid it all out there. I am hoping that by putting it all out there it will make them seem less scary, more manageable. Most things don’t seem as scary when the sun rises.

This is really hard for me. I hate admitting that anything might be beyond my control, that I cannot Miss-Fix-It my way out of something. But, here goes.

I have been out of work for 5 months. I left a horrible job after years of feet dragging, to work somewhere truly amazing. It was a big leap and I took it. I was laid off from my dream job after another employee rescinded her resignation. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right and it took my much needed salary and health insurance away.

I cannot TTC unless I have insurance so I am stuck. I am really, really angry. I am tired of job hunting, tired of being in a holding pattern and tired of being childless.

S cannot try right now because her work load is out of control. Plus, if she did get pregnant and, G-d forbid, needed to be on bedrest our main source of income would be gone. She works for two companies, one of which is probably going down the tubes. She can go full-time at company number #2 but needs to phase out of company number #1( the one on its way out ).

It’s easier said than done. She cannot do any of that until her salary is set and benefits have begun. The higher ups at company #1 have asked for a meeting with her tomorrow. We see a lay-off coming.

While initially horrifying, it could have a big fat silver lining. She could end up full-time at #2, which she loves. If that happens she can add me to her insurance, which would help in the stress department as well as clear up another obstacle to ttc again. Plus, S would be MUCH MUCH happier, and that is always a plus in my book. However, none of that could happen and we could be facing massive financial devastation.

 I keep insisting that everything will be okay, S thinks I am living in a fantasy. To prove her wrong I called the new clinic. I thought having something to look forward to might ease the stress a bit.  The new RE, the super in demand, genius, people fly from other countries to see him RE, has been made aware of my existence, he is happy to see me. His office does not offer financing. I only cried for half an hour after that email. Maybe S is right???

We are getting screwed from every angle possible, and not in the good way. I am starting to wonder if the universe is sending me a message. Give it up already lady. 

I can almost hear the laughter. We’ll take away her job, her benefits, give her a shitty doctor, convince her not to go first as planned and then fuck up her wife’s body so she can’t get pregnant either. We’ll let her have the bigger apartment so she can stare at the extra room she’ll never need and give her all the time in the world to stay at home and care for… her cats. After that, we’ll offer her a great RE that she can’t afford to see and then possibly take away her wife’s main source of income. Let’s see her recover from that.

Well, if you’ll permit me to have a tantrum here, FUCK YOU!

Fuck you miserable woman who stole my job because she was too lazy to find her own. F you Dr. M for sucking so badly at your job, making promises you couldn’t keep and stealing our many thousands of dollars. F you company #1 for making my wife worry all weekend and not appreciating all the work she does for you. F you new clinic and your no financing policy. F you stupid body for not working properly so I could try at home, like I always wanted.  F you universe for this stupid, long and painful test of strength.

 I can’t cry, yell or swear, pray or beg enough to change things right now. I feel powerless in so many ways.

 We have to get through tomorrow’s meeting first and then take the next step, and then the next one. Eventually we will get back on the right path, things will settle down, right? (Please say yes)

It’s always darkest before the dawn, right? (Please say yes)

I am praying all of this ugliness is leading us somewhere really wonderful.

I am so tired.

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Moving Ahead? Monday, Nov 10 2008 

S and I are still going back and forth about what to do next.

We cannot manage the fees with the new clinic just yet so we are on hold there. We still have two vials on ice with the awful Dr. M. We have discussed doing a natural TI cycle with the two remaining vials next month.

We could; 1 try at home, though IUI samples aren’t great for that or, 2 suck it up and see Dr. M one last time. Actually, there is a secret choice 3, we could save those vials for when we can start at the new clinic.

All of these ideas sound crappy to me. I feel like none of them offers us a real chance. I am getting so frustrated and antsy. I feel like we are falling behind, losing momentum and hope by the second. I feel like there are signs everywhere that something is going to happen. I just don’t know what or when.

A few months ago someone posted a link for a free BPA free baby bottle. I never sign up for bay related freebies. I assumed it would jinx us. HA! I signed up and this weekend we got our little package. I just kind of stare at it, wondering if I will ever need it.

I bought a friend of mine some baby clothes and they are hanging in our closet. Tiny and perfect. I keep trying to make myself send them to her but I can’t seem to part with them.

I keep dreaming about positive pregnancy tests, labor and babies.

Today I called and requested information about becoming a foster parent. We talked about doing this some time ago but I finally pushed the subject. I have nothing but time since I am not working and more love to give than I know what to do with. I will confess that I wanted to hear that I could do all the paperwork rigth this very second but… it’s a county agency. It will be a month before I can even attend the informational meeting.  Meanwhile, all these kids have nowhere to go for the holidays. They could be with us instead.

Everything is moving at a snails pace, everything except time, which I feel is running out for us. I cannot be childless anymore. I just can’t.

So, choices 1, 2 and 3. What would you do?

Trying Again Tuesday, Oct 21 2008 

S and I are trying to decide when to TTC again. Who will try? When? What donor? What clinic?

 S goes back and forth between wanting a break and going again. I am starting to get antsy about trying. I was supposed to go first and when we agreed she would start it was supposed to be three tries and then switch. She has had 7 tries over 8 or 9 months.

As much as I would like to try now I have to job hunt and I am pretty sure those two things do not mix. S wants to stay on a break until I find a job. Totally logical and probably the right thing to do. However, I am not at all logical about this anymore. I am so tired of waiting, being disappointed and spinning our wheels while everyone moves on. Even in blogland we are getting left behind.

The one thing we know for sure, no more Dr. M. He was a colossal waste of time, money, energy and precious fertile time. We are fortunate to now live seconds from an amazing clinic with great RE’s and track records. We are even more fortunate to know someone who will help get us in there sooner and perhaps give us a break financially. We will see.

As far as donor’s go.. we have two vials of our last donor on ice but we have no qualms about finding a new one. I have already begun the hunt.

I am trying really hard to get back on track with my medication and vitamins. I figure I should be ready when they call my number, right?

I hate sitting still. I want to be trying, peeing on sticks, giving shots, having ultrasounds. It feels like every day we do nothing TTC related we move further and further away from having a family.

So, to combat that terror, I have decided to do something TTC related daily. Yesterday I took all my meds and vitamins. Today I will be calling the sperm bank to inquire about several donors.

Moving forward, inch by tiny inch. Eventually we will get there, we will have our baby.

So Now We Wait and Pray Monday, Sep 15 2008 

Today’s IUI went well. The bonus follie ovulated as well as the original. One on each side.I am all about balance! The third, or miracle, follie grew  a little more overnight and Dr. M felt pretty sure that it would release as well.

The better news? A fourth follie was discovered today. It may not be big enough to release with a natural surge but just the fact that it was there and had grown was great news for us. S felt really good, like her body was finally cooperating.

We have socks, pineapple and POM on board as well as a combo of Estrace, baby aspirin, Crinone and progesterone capsules. There are a host of photos or drawings of fertility goddesses hanging over our bed and we have added gemstone therapy this time around. S will also eat the traditional McMuffin at implantation. All bases have been covered I would say.

Thank you for all your support and encouragement. It means so much to the both of us. I hope with all our crazy tricks and your great energy I will have some great news to report in a few weeks.

Some Good News Sunday, Sep 14 2008 

I bet you thought you were lost for a minute!

Yes, this is the right blog, just with actual good news for a change.

Our last visit revealed a crappy lining and only one follie responding to a combination of Clomid and Follistim. We were instructed to wait for a +OPK and trigger if we didn’t get that by Saturday.

S started to surge on her own yesterday so no trigger shot was needed, first bit of good news. Then, Dr. M squeezed us in today for the IUI because he was worried her surge would be short again. I didn’t even have to ask or argue. More good news.

Then, the ultrasound revealed a much improved lining, not perfect but much much better. Dr. M told us to keep S on the Estrace, no arguing or questioning again. Whoo hoo!

We saw the one perfect follie ready to burst at 22, up from 15.5 the other day. But then we got the best surprise of all. Somehow, that little pitiful 9-10mm follie had blossomed into a 22!!! Bonus follie, YAY! Even more amazing, the third sad follie had increased to a 16! Dr. M felt there was such a good chance of it being mature by tomorrow that he offered to do another IUI for us on  Sunday. He is coming in just for us!

So, we will end up with at least two, possibly three follies and back to back IUI’s this time around. He is keeping her on Estrace and is adding a funky cocktail of progesterone’s two to three times a day to keep her LP nice and long.

He said he is rooting for us and doing all he can to make this a success. I believe him this time.

I know anything can happen but that little bit of unexpected news is good enough for right now. 

I think I will be able to sleep tonight, for the first time in a long time.

Seriously?!?!?!?! Saturday, Sep 6 2008 

Okay, I give the F*ck up. I am waving the white flag.

Today we had an U/S to see what we had brewing in there. In the first 10 seconds I knew we had a problem. Dr. M’s brow furrowed and he he said you are taking Estrace, right? Your lining is still really thin. ( It was so bad he didn’t even tell us the number )

Okay, thin lining’s can be perked up. However, it was very strange given we started the Estrace a full day early this cycle and we have been adding home remedies to combat this. Next we heard the cyst is completely resolved, good news. But then the brow furrowed up again.

Of the 4 antral follies we found on CD2 3 are developing. Sounds good, right? Nope. As of today, CD13, they are 10’s and 9’s. Not even half of what they need to be on a Clomid cycle. WTF?

Even Dr. M was baffled. He actually sighed and sat down on a chair. She is a tough one he says. The he tells us we have two possibilities; one, this cycle is a bust=no response or two, we wait and see if they grow. Then he did something interesting. He looked directly at me and waited, saying nothing.

You gotta love the guy. He knew that I wasn’t going for either of those so he just waited to see what I would ask for instead. It was kind of amusing. I told him we didn’t want to waste the 3 follies we had and asked if we could add in some Follistim to boost them. No joke people, he smiled then laughed and said he considered suggesting that but wasn’t sure how we would react to more injectables. I can’t decide if he is afraid of me, hates me or respects that fact that I have done my homework. The plus side, he gave us 300IU of Follistim, our gift with visit, like the Lancome counter.

We do 100IU of Follistim a night until Wednesday when we have yet another vag cam viewing. He has us injecting on the upper/outer arm this time so I have to give S the shots every night. Good times.

I am staying pretty calm as is S but I am really ready to say F*uck it. No matter what we do or don’t do we get screwed every cycle. Miss perfect cyle is now a medical mystery! It’s not her fault, I know she is confused and frustrated too.

Maybe the universe is telling us to give it up already.

If you pray or send good vibes and have any to spare, please send us some good thoughts for Wednesdays scan. I really really really need to hear some good news. Thanks

Here We Go Monday, Aug 25 2008 

CD1 is upon us, and a week early to boot. Oy.

S has decided to stay with Dr. M this cycle. It’s her body so her choice. It really does say something that the mere thought of walking into his office fills me with dread, yes?

I am trying very hard to start off this cycle with good thoughts and positivity, even a bit of trust in Dr. M. I am just kind of tired. I feel drained and worry creeps into everything I do. The finish line seems so far away. I know it does for S too. She is not looking forward to this again. I can’t really blame her. Last cycle was heartbreaking every step of the way.

I will gather my strength and courage, enough for the both of us, and do my best to get us there.

Here we go again. Cycle 7 lucky 7?

“…It’s not how many times you’ve been knocked down, it’s how many times you get back up. Courage is when you’ve lost your way but you found your strength anyway.” The Strange Familiar

Dr. M (aka Birth Control )Listened!!! Saturday, Aug 2 2008 

Dr. M insisted we come and see him today. We were in no mood and were watching our friends  daughter for the day, but we went anyway. I felt so guilty about having a child in the RE’s office. I hate when other people do that but Ididn’t have much of a choice. I rushed her in, sat her in the farthest, darkest corner and stood in front of her the whole time. I still felt like a jerk.

I think he was ready for some hostility, tears or anger from me but I threw him off by staying absurdly calm. I like to keep him guessing 🙂 They made S take a pg test, the third negative of the day. I asked about a beta but he dismissed me, until he saw the U/S. S’s lining is a 9+, hardly the lining of a woman with AF. He agreed that AF breaking through prometrium this early was very odd. He said that he would do the beta, just to be sure. He said he expects a negative. Gee, thanks. At least he finally listened to us. It only took 6 months! In all honesty, we know it will be negative but some explanation is needed. Maybe the blood work will help us find our answer.

Apparently S has a CL cyst that will probably not go away by CD3. We can aspirate it or sit out a month. He wants us to sit out a month. UGH. He swears he will be aggressive with meds, even give us some meds to save us some money. He will up her Prometriumto 3x per day. He didn’t even charge us for today’s visit. It’s nice that he is trying but it might be too little too late. We haven’t made up our minds about anything yet. It all feels a bit overwhelming right now. What would you do?

We are just waiting for confirmation of a negative beta now. We have cried it all out and now just feel really tired and in need of ice cream.

I am always amazed at the range of emotions we can have in such a short period of time. From scared to hopeful to devastated in just a day or so. I think all of this has taught me that my faith in the power of our dreams cannot be broken. I know I falter a bit during bad moments but I always bounce back. No one, not even Dr. M, will keep us from becoming mommies. I won’t let it happen.

And Now We Wait Saturday, Jul 19 2008 

Well, it’s done. We got our back to back IUI’s and thank heavens because S had ovulated from one side between yesterday and today. We had much better numbers from the new bank. Iam so glad we found them!

Dr. M knew we were still upset and made it his business to be extra nice. He said it’s not over yet and not to stress out. He said his fingers were crossed for us. They had better be mister. He tried to make nice and I appreciate that he acknowledged how disappointed we were with his care.

What shocked me the most was that S, who is normally super pessimist to my absurd optimism, said she had a good feeling this time and was strangely calm on the way home. G-d I hope she is right.

Let the pineapple,  prometrium and POM juice begin!

Happy Friday, have a great weekend!