Shaking In My Boots! Monday, Jan 12 2009 

In a few short hours I will be face to face with Dr. B. I am scared and worried. ( Total understatement. I am petrified. )

The Dr. M nightmare replays in my mind and I see stark white test after stark white test. A sort of financial ticker clicks away in my head, how much did we spend last year?  Good G-d!

I don’t want to be a lost cause but I also don’t want  to be a great candidate and not be able to afford to try. Huh, big shock, I want it all!

I am literally sick to my stomach but I won’t cancel. I know it’s time for me to gather my courage, put the past behind me and hop into some stirrups.

I will be brave.

I will have faith.

I will find a way to do this.

I will have hope.

I will do all of these things just as soon as the nausea passes.

“Courage is when you’re afraid but you keep on moving anyway. Courage is when you’re in pain but you keep on living anyway.” The Strange Familiar

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No Title Today Wednesday, Jan 7 2009 

It’s foster parent orientation day. I am both excited and really, really sad.

 

S sees moving forward with fostering as a defeat. A less pitiful way of acknowledging that we will not have biological children wrapped in do-gooding. I see it more as do-gooding with a hint of insurance policy thrown in. These babies need us but we need them too. I don’t think it means defeat. I think it means we have learned to be practical and honest about the whole TTC process.

 

There have been 4 pregnancy/baby announcements in the past two days. I have never had that happen. I am in shock as to how, with a full year head start, we have ended up so very far behind. I willed myself not to cry and, of course, failed miserably.

 

Monday is my consult with the highly recommended Dr. B. I am scared shitless. I am terrified. After the nightmare of Dr. M I am a bit skeptical of any doctor, especially male. I am scared he will say I am a lost cause. I am scared he will say I am NOT a lost cause but we won’t be able to afford testing and treatment.

 

I am terrified I will fail and I cannot fail at this. I just can’t. It’s all I have ever wanted and when I think about losing the dream I feel utterly lost.

 

Who will I be if I am not a mother? What will I do with my life? What will ever be able to heal that wound?

 

FEAR is pretty much all I have right now. May I borrow some of your hope, faith and optimism?

Mostly Bad News Thursday, Sep 11 2008 

Okay, so that didn’t go too well.

In a nutshell; S had DOR-diminished ovarian reserve. She is not in POF-premature ovarian failure, which is good. We will never get great numbers of follies from her, not even using IVF, which is bad.

Her lining was 4.5, very very very bad and one of the three follies had grown after 5days of Follistim very very very very bad.

Dr. M was incredibly nice, sympathetic and patient. He believes S needs a break, either entirely or just from stimulated cycles. (Anyone need Follistim?) He thinks her stress level is out of control and, while not the reason she isn’t getting pregnant, is a big factor in why her cycles are getting so short and screwy. He suggested switching to me or just doing timed insemination’s if this cycle doesn’t work. He says she is just programmed this way. My eyes filled up and voice cracked, can’t you reprogram her? He looked genuinely sorry that he couldn’t. He even gifted us our hcg today.

We have doubled the Estrace and will trigger Saturday night if S doesn’t get a+OPK before then. He thinks the one good follie is worth trying with.

S is pretty upset. She feels broken and angry. It is true that Dr. M should have found all of this before cycle 7 but we can hardly go back in time. I was pretty upset at first too. But then I found myself relieved.

We hadn’t done anything wrong, missed any steps. Knowing we don’t need to stress about monitoring, shots and medication costs is kind of freeing. Not having expectations that can never be met is kind of nice too. We will just use OPK’s and have a single IUI until we decide to switch to me.

I am sad but relieved, scared but hopeful. I want so much for this to work for us but especially for S. I don’t want her to feel like she won’t ever get to carry and birth a biological child. It would break her heart and mine along with it.

This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. Nothing is the way it should be and I am the saddest I have ever been and the most lost I have ever felt.

I have my game face on for S though, she needs me.

We need a miracle this cycle. I want to see my wife smile again.

The New Math Friday, Aug 1 2008 

 

THIS:

Follistim, hCG trigger, back to back IUI’s, green tea, eggs, aspirin, pineapple, POM Juice, rose quartz, fertility charm, Egg McMuffin, socks, red warming foods, Prometrium, prayer, visualization techniques

PLUS THIS:

Hot flashes, swollen painful breasts, nausea, bloating, headaches, back pain, frequent urination, ice cream and hamburger cravings, implantation day spotting, dizzy spells, exhaustion

EQUALS THIS:

This Sucks 
AND THIS:
 
I can’t describe the heartache. It hurts so much.
G-d and I are in a big fight today.
Dr. M ( from here on out known as Birth Control) is insisting on seeing us today. Who will help post bail? 🙂