No Title Today Wednesday, Jan 7 2009 

It’s foster parent orientation day. I am both excited and really, really sad.

 

S sees moving forward with fostering as a defeat. A less pitiful way of acknowledging that we will not have biological children wrapped in do-gooding. I see it more as do-gooding with a hint of insurance policy thrown in. These babies need us but we need them too. I don’t think it means defeat. I think it means we have learned to be practical and honest about the whole TTC process.

 

There have been 4 pregnancy/baby announcements in the past two days. I have never had that happen. I am in shock as to how, with a full year head start, we have ended up so very far behind. I willed myself not to cry and, of course, failed miserably.

 

Monday is my consult with the highly recommended Dr. B. I am scared shitless. I am terrified. After the nightmare of Dr. M I am a bit skeptical of any doctor, especially male. I am scared he will say I am a lost cause. I am scared he will say I am NOT a lost cause but we won’t be able to afford testing and treatment.

 

I am terrified I will fail and I cannot fail at this. I just can’t. It’s all I have ever wanted and when I think about losing the dream I feel utterly lost.

 

Who will I be if I am not a mother? What will I do with my life? What will ever be able to heal that wound?

 

FEAR is pretty much all I have right now. May I borrow some of your hope, faith and optimism?

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Tragic Wednesday, Nov 5 2008 

I have been stripped of my right to marry in my very own state. A state that allowed me to marry a mere 24 hours ago. I can’t marry someone I have already married. How is that even possible?

To have tasted the sweetness that is equality and then have it yanked away in hate is especially painful. Now I will always know what I am missing.

To add insult to injury I have been banned from marrying in two more states and banned from adopting/fostering in another.

Just a few hours ago my heart swelled with pride and I cried with joy at a nation making history. I was so proud of our progress. Hope soared into my heart and rested there for a glorious seven hours.

And now, now the tears come.

Oh, how it hurts, stings, humiliates and enrages me. I fear we will never recover what we have lost. I fear we haven’t come quite as far as I had hoped.

I just plain fear now.

Such a Good Girl Friday, Jul 25 2008 

I must take a moment to AW my very good behavior, so far. I am usually very preachy, Pollyanna, everything is a sign. While a little positivity is good in the TWW, I think mine was becoming saccharin, rather desperate. I imagine if I heard it on a recording I would sound tinny, shrill and full of panic. Not this time.

I have prepped the pineapple without much comment, poured the POM Juice without lecture and laid out the socks with minimal anecdotes. I murmured sympathetically at S’s painful breasts and said nary a word about it being a “good sign” when she whimpered in pain in the shower. I rubbed her aching back, removed the towel that she swore “smelled weird”, though freshly laundered, all without insisting that “this is it”. In a feat of Herculean strength I said a simple I am sorry honey, how uncomfortable, when she couldn’t zip her pants this morning. When she finally realized I wasn’t proclaiming a victory and questioned her symptoms, I simply said, Prometrium will do that to you.

I am trying so hard to avoid putting any pressure on her. I am trying so very hard to stay sane and normal. I am breathing in and out and not allowing myself to spiral into the TWW insanity. Deep down though, I know there is a huge ball of fear just waiting for the right time to appear. Calm on the outside, but aching on the inside.

We are Mothers without children and it hurts.

Terrified Tuesday, Jul 15 2008 

I have never been scared during a cycle. Anxious, excited, hopeful,nervous sure, never scared. There is a lump of fear stuck between my throat and stomach. Nothing can move it. I am utterly terrified.

S is a wreck. She is appeared crying and trembling at my side an hour ago. This really is our last shot for who knows how long. We have bled ourselves dry for this cycle. We just dropped a thousand dollars on sperm… a thousand dollars we could hardly part with. We did it though, hearts in our throat we ordered from the new bank. Poor S will subject herself to another vag cam viewing tomorrow and together we will subject ourselves to the much  disliked Dr. M.

If someone asked why we do all this, I would say for love. For the love of a child not yet conceived and because we have so much of it to give.

Pardon the TMI, but I think I might throw up. My mind plays on a loop all the F-ups of dear Dr.M the past 6 months. What if what if what if what if???????? I cannot stop the what ifs. I can’t sleep, I am actually ill.

I am trying so hard to cover every base this cycle it’s absurd. Injectables, trigger, monitoring, green tea until ovulation, aspirin, POM juice, pineapple after IUI, warm feet in the TWW, red warming foods, eggs,prayer, positive thinking,visualization, new bank and sperm and finally, a picture of a Native American fertility charm taped above our bed.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

Please bring us some wonderful news and a cooperative, understanding Dr. M tomorrow. Please bring us our miracle. PLEASE.

“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”