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Conspiracy Theories Wednesday, Mar 11 2009 

I have way too much time on my hands, a way too vivid imagination and a lot of hurt and disappointment swirling through me. Together that is the perfect storm. That fun little combo has send my poor little mind spinning in a million different directions. Here is a small sampling of where has stopped on this tour of torture.

They haven’t called because-part 1. Last week I decided that we weren’t getting calls because we don’t have a house, we are apartment dwellers. Never mind that we live in the nicest city in our entire county, we are apartment dwellers and therefore unsuitable foster parents. I had a bad few days of feeling really inadequate and loserish and then moved onto

They haven’t called because -part 2. Part two goes like this, we suck. Yes, that is right. No calls because we suck. We bought what was needed for our visit and more; crib, carseast ( two of them ) bouncer, swing, clothes etc. However, we didn’t buy the very best of everything. The dream crib resides only as a bookmark on my computer, the same goes for dream bedding, stroller, changing table, organic mattress and carseats. I was, still am a  bit, wracked with guilt that we are holding out on this potential child. I know in my heart of hearts, if one of us were pregnant, I would find a way to get all these dream items. But I didn’t do that this time and therefore, no calls because we are cheap and sucky and somehow they know it. These horrible thoughts easily segued into

They haven’t called because -part 3. I decided that it wasn’t quality that was keeping the calls away, it was quantity. We don’t have enough stuff so, no call for us. I will spare you the list of stuff I am convinced we need right. this. second. It’s quite long and depressing as S has declared a moratorium on purchasing until they do call us. Oh, how I curse the Catch 22. Naturally I found my way to

They haven’t called because-part 4. Yesterday I decided that hadn’t called because our house wasn’t clean enough. This led to the creation of a chore chart and the vacuum cleaner and I spending some serious time together today. Oh yes, couch cushions, nooks, crannies and the poor kitty beds got a serious dose of suction. After that I rearranged the refrigerator into perfect rows of store-bought goodness. After that I gave myself a break, coming up with

They haven’t called because-part 5. Here it is, they haven’t called, because they haven’t called. There is no magic answer. They don’t care about my couch cushions, dream crib and I am pretty sure they don’t think we suck. They just haven’t called and I cannot do a damn thing about it. It’s just like TTC, luck of the draw. You can plan, pray and prepare but ultimately, what will be, will be. And I think that hurts the most.

I cannot do anything more for myself, for Bree, for Poppy, for Laurieann, for Tbean or anyone else I may have forgotten to mention, and that is terribly unfair.

I am so sorry, for all of us.

Waiting For A Ring Thursday, Feb 26 2009 

We graduated!

We are all official and do not have to do anything but wait for the phone to ring.

I think it’s safe to say that the first time it rings I will probably pee in my pants 🙂

S and I want a baby so badly it hurts. We did agree to older children too but it would be so nice to start with a baby. I guess it would feel a little more natural that way. Plus, we were given an obscene number of tiny baby outfits from a friend, I am hoping that is a sign.

For now we will just keep collecting baby gear and clothes in all sizes so we are prepared for anything. It’s very weird to have so many tiny clothes in our house. Just holding them brings on such a range of emotions, it’s really powerful. When it gets too heavy we joke that because we are so ready for a baby we will get a  four year old. No matter, I believe in fate and destiny and things being as they should, usually.

We haven’t told our families yet, they are big on parade raining and we were so happy last night. I guess we will today. I am steeling myself as I type.

Thank you for your support and cheer leading during this process. It has meant the world to me.

Moving Right Along Friday, Feb 20 2009 

Well, we did it.We passed our inspection with flying colors! 

See, being a pain in the ass and worried sick does pay off?! We are licensed for two children ages 0-5. We will have the option to adopt in certain cases as well. After the completion of next weeks class we can be called at any time for a placement. It feels very surreal.

We literally bounced and jumped for joy once licensing left. We are so excited but a little overwhelmed too. We can expect a child from 0-5 and trying to prepare for all of those ages is kind of tough. I would love to rush out and buying everything but that is not an option right now.

There are stories about people getting called hours after their last class but it’s not likely. I know we have a little time to gather all things these children may need.

So, we are doing our best to prioritize. If a child showed up right this second what would we need to get us through the day or night until we could go shopping? Well, if you are asking me, we need everything LOL. I like to be prepared. But, in truth, we could manage with diapers, formula, bottles and some PJ’s for a few hours.

Here is where we stand on the gear front, please let me know if  I have left anything out.

We have our infant car seat but still need a convertible one for an older child or a second baby. We have our baby papasan which one of our kitties has decided is a fancy new bed for her to nap in.

We started buying diapers in assorted sizes. I want cloth but S is not having any of it. I am currently working on convincing her to get eco-friendly sposies at least. Our friends at T.ar.get have the Nature Babycare ones for a decent price along with the unscented/sensitive wipes. We still need a changing pad and cover for the dresser but could manage with the bed/floor if we had to.

We bought a few glass bottles, I won that battle, but I really would like the Adiri nursers or the Green 2 Grow wide neck. How I am going to convince her these are good choices is beyond me. She is being very weird and difficult about these purchases. I kind of figured if she is being weird about bottles I shouldn’t even mention the stunning bedding I told you all about a few weeks ago. For now some receiving blankets for swaddling should do the trick. At least I was able to get the crib sheet in the pretty sage green I like. Eventually it will go with my dream bedding. Shhh, don’t tell.

We started buying assorted formulas too. Small ready to pour bottles just to get us through a night or until we figure out what they have been drinking or can tolerate. I managed to get one bottle of organic in there without too much of a battle. Yay me! We also grabbed a few jars of baby food in each stage; fruits, veggies and greens, all organic.

We have a few outfits ranging from 0-18 months but need I think we need one of each in each gender and age range to be really prepared. We need a bathtub and a few hooded towels. She already gave me grief over the bath products but there is no way in hell I am dousing any child in parabens. If we use organic and paraben free, so will they. I do not care how much it costs. Sheesh! I will try to sneak those into a cart this weekend.

She is being tough, but I know its just nerves talking. Whenever a big change is on the horizon she picks the weirdest stuff to argue over, total defense/avoidance mechanism. I just know I have to wait it out and slow down. She is excited but afraid to get her hopes up too much. I get that.

My head is spinning. I can’t stop and let myself believe this could happen. I just keep making lists as if I were planning for someone else. I am too scared to let myself imagine the possibilities. I can’t even bring myself to open our travel system let alone install the carseat. I just can’t do it.

Maybe tomorrow.

We really haven’t told anyone we are doing this yet, just the moms for now. We will probably tell them after our last class and when we get our license in the mail. It’s our equivalent of waiting to tell until the second trimester. We are terrified of jinxing anything.

Please, please bring us a  baby to love and care for. I promise I will give my whole heart to him or her. I promise.

Home Visit Time! Tuesday, Feb 17 2009 

Tuesday is our home visit, I am really nervous.

We turned the house upside down and inside out, we have locked everything lockable and scrubbed our already clean house twice. We planted new flowers in the pouring rain and checked every smoke and carbon monoxide detector we have.

They are very vague when telling you what is expected . They want the house safe and clean, those are very very relative though. I just hope we pass with flying colors.

Someone reminded me it’s not pass or fail, they give you corrections and come back. Well, if  they have to come back, I have failed, in my eyes.

I know there is no such thing as perfection, but please, please, let us come really close tomorrow.

S moved some of her appointments around so she could be here with me. Yay, my sweet wife knows how hard I am on myself. I will feel better if she is here.

In another news, yesterday was the one year anniversary of our first visit with the evil Dr. M. It’s amazing how much can happen in a year. We went to see him and handed him our hopes, dreams, trust and every penny we had. It makes my stomach turn.

I believe in karma though. I know he getting terrible feedback online ( without any help from me) and his reputation is falling apart. I hope he realizes how awful he is at this job and changes professions before he breaks anymore hearts. I also kind of hope his dreams are haunted by the women he betrayed with bad medicine and a huge ego.

No matter, we are back and more determined than ever to be mommies! Love makes a family and we have plenty of that to go around.

If you happen to have any extra vibes, prayers, or dust lying around I will gladly take it. I really want this visit to go well.

Finally Getting It Right Friday, Feb 13 2009 

I feel everything.

Whatever that little switch in your brain that shields you from pain is called, I don’t have it. If I have it, it’s in need of serious repair. I am defective.

When I comment on your blogs and say I feel your pain, I am serious. I feel everyones hurt, anger, despair. I cry for the heartache of others, the injustice in the world and just about everything in between. I feel it all.

Well, you can imagine my surprise when this week I found myself not feeling a damn thing. Nothing. Zip. Just hollow.

The crib arrived and I braced myself for the wave of emotions. I planted my feet firmly and waited…nothing.

I opened the box and looked at the pretty white rails and nothing.

I assembled it and nothing.

I was confused to say the least! What was going on here?

Maybe I didn’t  like the crib? After all, it wasn’t my first choice. I gave it a good long stare. No, the crib was fine, pretty detail on the bottom, slight sleigh style curves. I still felt nothing.

Maybe it was because there wasn’t any bedding on it? Maybe it needs the set I am still plotting to get?

Maybe it’s because the room isn’t really a nursery right now? For licensing I need two beds in there, one crib, one larger one. Plus, it’s still our office. Maybe that is it? Nurseries don’t usually come with computers.

Maybe it’s because there aren’t any pretty little decorative shelves or pictures up yet?

Maybe it’s because there isn’t a glider in there. Every nursery needs a glider.

I thought and thought and thought. Wondering what was happening or rather what was not happening to me. Where were the tears, the excitement, the anticipation, the fear?

Where was I?

Ah, and then it became very clear. That little switch had magically repaired itself. My brain was finally protecting me from pain! What an interesting time to start.

Relief.

Dearest brain, thank you. Thank you for allowing my bruised, battered and shattered heart a little time to rest and heal. Thank you for letting my eyes have a few days to dry out and for allowing my dreams to be peaceful. Thank you for letting me fold those tiny clothes without piercing pain. Thank you for letting me see the stroller without feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me. Thank you for allowing my imagination some rest, my fears a day off  and my daydreams to hurt less.

Thank you for the break. I really needed it.

Does This Bitchy Make Me Look Fat? Tuesday, Jan 27 2009 

I am in rare form today.

Today I watched the “baby” shows on T..L..C specifically to mock clueless parents and pregnants. Then, when I spotted adorable baby pics in my inbox, I responded without opening them and told the sender how cute they were. A short time after, when the octuplet birth was announced, I told S we needed to find that doctor and use him/her. After that, I let a random internet comment about someone else fostering hurt my feelings after which I cried to S that they would never give us a child.

Excellent.

I am now a bitch, a liar, insane and hypersensitive. Don’t you wish you knew me IRL now 🙂

I think I am just getting excited and anxious for the next step in the fostering process, our home visit. It’s a big hurdle, with a lot of details to nail, and I can be a perfectionist which would explain the nerves.

I also think I am a little sad that neither of our parents seem happy,excited or interested. It would be really nice to have them be a part of this. Perhaps when things get closer to being finalized? I will hope for that.

I want to thank all of you for your wonderful support, encouragement and advice. I am so lucky to have found you.

I am going to sleep off the bitchy and will return full of sunshine and kindness soon.

Still Excited! Thursday, Jan 8 2009 

First, thank you, thank you, thank you for your wonderful, kind and supportive comments. You made my day!

For those of you that asked questions, here is the scoop. We are just fostering, not adopting.  We can change our minds though. We are required to complete 24 hours of training, we have already done 3.  While training we can get everything else done; fingerprints, health screening, home visit etc. We will likely take children under the age of 5, though S can’t seem to make up her mind. We will see.

For fun, and to soothe S’s fears, I hopped onto the T.ar.get site and did a little faux shopping. I added to my cart everything I thought we would need to get the room ready for our home visit. I “bought” basic, but attractive, safe and well-reviewed items. Everything from crib to travel system to bottles and first aid. I threw in some basic baby toys, bedding, rails for a toddler bed even a nifty gadget that tests the temp of the bathwater. I added neutral colored onesies and sleep sacks, eco-friendlier diapers and wipes, a bathtub, organic washcloths, even a highchair. It took forever but when I was done my total was only around $1600. Not bad. I was pleasantly surprised. S wouldn’t admit it, but I think she was too. I think she just worries that we need all of this stuff ASAP. As soon as we have it we can do our home visit!

We are still TTC. My appointment is still on with the super, new , uber fancy, famous Dr. B on Monday. I am still terrified and honestly haven’t a clue how we will afford to set up a nursery and pay oop for meds and treatment. I, however, believe in miracles and fully expect one to show up sometime soon. Now would be good.

I refuse to give up the dream. I know I will find a way to make this work.

Failure is not an option.

The View From Here Thursday, Jan 8 2009 

Excited.

There is a word I haven’t used much lately. I am actually excited.

Orientation went well. We got all the paperwork and info we need to get things started. I must say that sitting in a classroom-like setting for 3 hours can be very amusing. There is always one person who makes things take 100 times longer because they ask weird questions and there is always one who looks confused no matter what is being said.  They made us giggle like 10th graders the whole time. The uber metrosexual gay couple was pretty obvious and no one seemed confused about their relationship. We, however, got confused looks. When we asked if we had the correct number of forms one woman asked us if we lived in the same house. Nope! Seperate homes, the secret to a great marriage. Oy. Maybe we should come to these things wrapped in a rainbow flag clutching Melissa Etheridge albums?? At least we got a good laugh out of it.

So, here it is. If we do everything we need to, and none of it is hard in case you were wondering, we will be licensed by the end of February. We could, theoretically, have a child in our home the March. A baby! In our house! OMG!

S is still pretty conflicted about it. She feels defeated and is kind of touchy about the subject. She is going to all the trainings and getting licensed but I know she is having a hard time with it.

I am just excited. I think it’s great opportunity to help a child in need and fill the empty space in our home and hearts, even if just for a little while. We will still try for biological children, nothing is making us give that up. This is just another step along the way. I think this will make us better people, I really do.

We will need to have the room set-up for our home visit. So even though we don’t know what’s coming or when; we need a crib, stroller, carseat etc. It’s a big initial expense but I assured S we would find the best deals possible, friends may have gently used items for us etc. There is no baby shower or registering for foster parents! Plus, in all honesty, it would be really, really painful to have a nursery full of perfect, new, dream furniture and no dream baby to put in it.

I spent the last half  hour standing in the doorway of the extra room, just staring at what, for the first time, in a long time, looked a lot like possibility.

It was beautiful.

No Title Today Wednesday, Jan 7 2009 

It’s foster parent orientation day. I am both excited and really, really sad.

 

S sees moving forward with fostering as a defeat. A less pitiful way of acknowledging that we will not have biological children wrapped in do-gooding. I see it more as do-gooding with a hint of insurance policy thrown in. These babies need us but we need them too. I don’t think it means defeat. I think it means we have learned to be practical and honest about the whole TTC process.

 

There have been 4 pregnancy/baby announcements in the past two days. I have never had that happen. I am in shock as to how, with a full year head start, we have ended up so very far behind. I willed myself not to cry and, of course, failed miserably.

 

Monday is my consult with the highly recommended Dr. B. I am scared shitless. I am terrified. After the nightmare of Dr. M I am a bit skeptical of any doctor, especially male. I am scared he will say I am a lost cause. I am scared he will say I am NOT a lost cause but we won’t be able to afford testing and treatment.

 

I am terrified I will fail and I cannot fail at this. I just can’t. It’s all I have ever wanted and when I think about losing the dream I feel utterly lost.

 

Who will I be if I am not a mother? What will I do with my life? What will ever be able to heal that wound?

 

FEAR is pretty much all I have right now. May I borrow some of your hope, faith and optimism?