Some Good News Sunday, Sep 14 2008 

I bet you thought you were lost for a minute!

Yes, this is the right blog, just with actual good news for a change.

Our last visit revealed a crappy lining and only one follie responding to a combination of Clomid and Follistim. We were instructed to wait for a +OPK and trigger if we didn’t get that by Saturday.

S started to surge on her own yesterday so no trigger shot was needed, first bit of good news. Then, Dr. M squeezed us in today for the IUI because he was worried her surge would be short again. I didn’t even have to ask or argue. More good news.

Then, the ultrasound revealed a much improved lining, not perfect but much much better. Dr. M told us to keep S on the Estrace, no arguing or questioning again. Whoo hoo!

We saw the one perfect follie ready to burst at 22, up from 15.5 the other day. But then we got the best surprise of all. Somehow, that little pitiful 9-10mm follie had blossomed into a 22!!! Bonus follie, YAY! Even more amazing, the third sad follie had increased to a 16! Dr. M felt there was such a good chance of it being mature by tomorrow that he offered to do another IUI for us on  Sunday. He is coming in just for us!

So, we will end up with at least two, possibly three follies and back to back IUI’s this time around. He is keeping her on Estrace and is adding a funky cocktail of progesterone’s two to three times a day to keep her LP nice and long.

He said he is rooting for us and doing all he can to make this a success. I believe him this time.

I know anything can happen but that little bit of unexpected news is good enough for right now. 

I think I will be able to sleep tonight, for the first time in a long time.

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Mostly Bad News Thursday, Sep 11 2008 

Okay, so that didn’t go too well.

In a nutshell; S had DOR-diminished ovarian reserve. She is not in POF-premature ovarian failure, which is good. We will never get great numbers of follies from her, not even using IVF, which is bad.

Her lining was 4.5, very very very bad and one of the three follies had grown after 5days of Follistim very very very very bad.

Dr. M was incredibly nice, sympathetic and patient. He believes S needs a break, either entirely or just from stimulated cycles. (Anyone need Follistim?) He thinks her stress level is out of control and, while not the reason she isn’t getting pregnant, is a big factor in why her cycles are getting so short and screwy. He suggested switching to me or just doing timed insemination’s if this cycle doesn’t work. He says she is just programmed this way. My eyes filled up and voice cracked, can’t you reprogram her? He looked genuinely sorry that he couldn’t. He even gifted us our hcg today.

We have doubled the Estrace and will trigger Saturday night if S doesn’t get a+OPK before then. He thinks the one good follie is worth trying with.

S is pretty upset. She feels broken and angry. It is true that Dr. M should have found all of this before cycle 7 but we can hardly go back in time. I was pretty upset at first too. But then I found myself relieved.

We hadn’t done anything wrong, missed any steps. Knowing we don’t need to stress about monitoring, shots and medication costs is kind of freeing. Not having expectations that can never be met is kind of nice too. We will just use OPK’s and have a single IUI until we decide to switch to me.

I am sad but relieved, scared but hopeful. I want so much for this to work for us but especially for S. I don’t want her to feel like she won’t ever get to carry and birth a biological child. It would break her heart and mine along with it.

This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. Nothing is the way it should be and I am the saddest I have ever been and the most lost I have ever felt.

I have my game face on for S though, she needs me.

We need a miracle this cycle. I want to see my wife smile again.

Dr. M (aka Birth Control )Listened!!! Saturday, Aug 2 2008 

Dr. M insisted we come and see him today. We were in no mood and were watching our friends  daughter for the day, but we went anyway. I felt so guilty about having a child in the RE’s office. I hate when other people do that but Ididn’t have much of a choice. I rushed her in, sat her in the farthest, darkest corner and stood in front of her the whole time. I still felt like a jerk.

I think he was ready for some hostility, tears or anger from me but I threw him off by staying absurdly calm. I like to keep him guessing 🙂 They made S take a pg test, the third negative of the day. I asked about a beta but he dismissed me, until he saw the U/S. S’s lining is a 9+, hardly the lining of a woman with AF. He agreed that AF breaking through prometrium this early was very odd. He said that he would do the beta, just to be sure. He said he expects a negative. Gee, thanks. At least he finally listened to us. It only took 6 months! In all honesty, we know it will be negative but some explanation is needed. Maybe the blood work will help us find our answer.

Apparently S has a CL cyst that will probably not go away by CD3. We can aspirate it or sit out a month. He wants us to sit out a month. UGH. He swears he will be aggressive with meds, even give us some meds to save us some money. He will up her Prometriumto 3x per day. He didn’t even charge us for today’s visit. It’s nice that he is trying but it might be too little too late. We haven’t made up our minds about anything yet. It all feels a bit overwhelming right now. What would you do?

We are just waiting for confirmation of a negative beta now. We have cried it all out and now just feel really tired and in need of ice cream.

I am always amazed at the range of emotions we can have in such a short period of time. From scared to hopeful to devastated in just a day or so. I think all of this has taught me that my faith in the power of our dreams cannot be broken. I know I falter a bit during bad moments but I always bounce back. No one, not even Dr. M, will keep us from becoming mommies. I won’t let it happen.

IUI#2 Tuesday, Jul 8 2008 

After the disastrous first cycle S was given Clomid. 

I was concerned about it thinning her lining but was reassured that Estrace could fix that if need be. Frankly, I don’t like to break things just to have a reason to fix them but our RE was certain she wouldn’t have any issues. SIGH. Nobody listens to me!

S handled Clomid like a champ. Not one single side effect, not a one. She had 2-3 gorgeous follies and… wait for it.. a thin lining. Estrace was started but not before I threw a nasty look to our dear RE. He knew we were less than thrilled so he tried to win us back over with the promise of a  trigger shot so we wouldn’t miss O this time. Hey, thanks, that’s really big of you.

To the lab we went again. Still not great post thaw numbers. WTF??? I was sure it was the lab’s fault but they claim it was the banks bad samples. This one was better than the last and we had  at least one more follicle so I was hopeful.

This TWW was more tolerable. S put up with the pineapple, visualization techniques, POM juice and rather enjoyed my waiting on her hand and foot. We were issued another credit for the fish and optimistically said we wouldn’t need it until I tried.

BFN.

This one hurt worst than the last one. S said she was a failure. That hurt me the most.

Next up, Tamoxifen!