So Now We Wait and Pray Monday, Sep 15 2008 

Today’s IUI went well. The bonus follie ovulated as well as the original. One on each side.I am all about balance! The third, or miracle, follie grew  a little more overnight and Dr. M felt pretty sure that it would release as well.

The better news? A fourth follie was discovered today. It may not be big enough to release with a natural surge but just the fact that it was there and had grown was great news for us. S felt really good, like her body was finally cooperating.

We have socks, pineapple and POM on board as well as a combo of Estrace, baby aspirin, Crinone and progesterone capsules. There are a host of photos or drawings of fertility goddesses hanging over our bed and we have added gemstone therapy this time around. S will also eat the traditional McMuffin at implantation. All bases have been covered I would say.

Thank you for all your support and encouragement. It means so much to the both of us. I hope with all our crazy tricks and your great energy I will have some great news to report in a few weeks.

Such a Good Girl Friday, Jul 25 2008 

I must take a moment to AW my very good behavior, so far. I am usually very preachy, Pollyanna, everything is a sign. While a little positivity is good in the TWW, I think mine was becoming saccharin, rather desperate. I imagine if I heard it on a recording I would sound tinny, shrill and full of panic. Not this time.

I have prepped the pineapple without much comment, poured the POM Juice without lecture and laid out the socks with minimal anecdotes. I murmured sympathetically at S’s painful breasts and said nary a word about it being a “good sign” when she whimpered in pain in the shower. I rubbed her aching back, removed the towel that she swore “smelled weird”, though freshly laundered, all without insisting that “this is it”. In a feat of Herculean strength I said a simple I am sorry honey, how uncomfortable, when she couldn’t zip her pants this morning. When she finally realized I wasn’t proclaiming a victory and questioned her symptoms, I simply said, Prometrium will do that to you.

I am trying so hard to avoid putting any pressure on her. I am trying so very hard to stay sane and normal. I am breathing in and out and not allowing myself to spiral into the TWW insanity. Deep down though, I know there is a huge ball of fear just waiting for the right time to appear. Calm on the outside, but aching on the inside.

We are Mothers without children and it hurts.

Terrified Tuesday, Jul 15 2008 

I have never been scared during a cycle. Anxious, excited, hopeful,nervous sure, never scared. There is a lump of fear stuck between my throat and stomach. Nothing can move it. I am utterly terrified.

S is a wreck. She is appeared crying and trembling at my side an hour ago. This really is our last shot for who knows how long. We have bled ourselves dry for this cycle. We just dropped a thousand dollars on sperm… a thousand dollars we could hardly part with. We did it though, hearts in our throat we ordered from the new bank. Poor S will subject herself to another vag cam viewing tomorrow and together we will subject ourselves to the much  disliked Dr. M.

If someone asked why we do all this, I would say for love. For the love of a child not yet conceived and because we have so much of it to give.

Pardon the TMI, but I think I might throw up. My mind plays on a loop all the F-ups of dear Dr.M the past 6 months. What if what if what if what if???????? I cannot stop the what ifs. I can’t sleep, I am actually ill.

I am trying so hard to cover every base this cycle it’s absurd. Injectables, trigger, monitoring, green tea until ovulation, aspirin, POM juice, pineapple after IUI, warm feet in the TWW, red warming foods, eggs,prayer, positive thinking,visualization, new bank and sperm and finally, a picture of a Native American fertility charm taped above our bed.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

Please bring us some wonderful news and a cooperative, understanding Dr. M tomorrow. Please bring us our miracle. PLEASE.

“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”