Seriously?!?!?!?! Saturday, Sep 6 2008 

Okay, I give the F*ck up. I am waving the white flag.

Today we had an U/S to see what we had brewing in there. In the first 10 seconds I knew we had a problem. Dr. M’s brow furrowed and he he said you are taking Estrace, right? Your lining is still really thin. ( It was so bad he didn’t even tell us the number )

Okay, thin lining’s can be perked up. However, it was very strange given we started the Estrace a full day early this cycle and we have been adding home remedies to combat this. Next we heard the cyst is completely resolved, good news. But then the brow furrowed up again.

Of the 4 antral follies we found on CD2 3 are developing. Sounds good, right? Nope. As of today, CD13, they are 10’s and 9’s. Not even half of what they need to be on a Clomid cycle. WTF?

Even Dr. M was baffled. He actually sighed and sat down on a chair. She is a tough one he says. The he tells us we have two possibilities; one, this cycle is a bust=no response or two, we wait and see if they grow. Then he did something interesting. He looked directly at me and waited, saying nothing.

You gotta love the guy. He knew that I wasn’t going for either of those so he just waited to see what I would ask for instead. It was kind of amusing. I told him we didn’t want to waste the 3 follies we had and asked if we could add in some Follistim to boost them. No joke people, he smiled then laughed and said he considered suggesting that but wasn’t sure how we would react to more injectables. I can’t decide if he is afraid of me, hates me or respects that fact that I have done my homework. The plus side, he gave us 300IU of Follistim, our gift with visit, like the Lancome counter.

We do 100IU of Follistim a night until Wednesday when we have yet another vag cam viewing. He has us injecting on the upper/outer arm this time so I have to give S the shots every night. Good times.

I am staying pretty calm as is S but I am really ready to say F*uck it. No matter what we do or don’t do we get screwed every cycle. Miss perfect cyle is now a medical mystery! It’s not her fault, I know she is confused and frustrated too.

Maybe the universe is telling us to give it up already.

If you pray or send good vibes and have any to spare, please send us some good thoughts for Wednesdays scan. I really really really need to hear some good news. Thanks

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Terrified Tuesday, Jul 15 2008 

I have never been scared during a cycle. Anxious, excited, hopeful,nervous sure, never scared. There is a lump of fear stuck between my throat and stomach. Nothing can move it. I am utterly terrified.

S is a wreck. She is appeared crying and trembling at my side an hour ago. This really is our last shot for who knows how long. We have bled ourselves dry for this cycle. We just dropped a thousand dollars on sperm… a thousand dollars we could hardly part with. We did it though, hearts in our throat we ordered from the new bank. Poor S will subject herself to another vag cam viewing tomorrow and together we will subject ourselves to the much  disliked Dr. M.

If someone asked why we do all this, I would say for love. For the love of a child not yet conceived and because we have so much of it to give.

Pardon the TMI, but I think I might throw up. My mind plays on a loop all the F-ups of dear Dr.M the past 6 months. What if what if what if what if???????? I cannot stop the what ifs. I can’t sleep, I am actually ill.

I am trying so hard to cover every base this cycle it’s absurd. Injectables, trigger, monitoring, green tea until ovulation, aspirin, POM juice, pineapple after IUI, warm feet in the TWW, red warming foods, eggs,prayer, positive thinking,visualization, new bank and sperm and finally, a picture of a Native American fertility charm taped above our bed.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

Please bring us some wonderful news and a cooperative, understanding Dr. M tomorrow. Please bring us our miracle. PLEASE.

“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”