Finding The Words Monday, Jan 19 2009 

I have had a hard time finding my words this week. It’s pretty rare for me and a week of bottled up roller-coaster emotions has bought me insomnia coupled with nightmares every evening.

So, however inelegant, incomprehensible or incoherent here come the words.

Dr. B was nice. I am very wary now of all RE’s so a nice is all he gets. His office runs very efficiently and professionally. All good in my book. He is competent and I never heard anything that would raise a red flag or concern me. All good again.

As far as S in concerned he suggests moving straight to IVF. We do not entirely disagree but would like to see how she responds to a cycle that is properly medicated/managed. We cannot afford IVF and are trying to use me so the whole thing is moot, for now.

As far as I am concerned, I am not a lost cause, just a tricky, risky, expensive one. Nothing I didn’t already know. Still, so hard to hear. I have PCOS and a clotting factor. Together this means I will need ovulation induction and anti-coagulation therapy, Heparin injections 2x daily from stims through postpartum. My miscarriage risk is huge, a percentage that whenever mentioned makes S’s eyes go wide. I will probably need a hematologist as well. I have no desire to shoot myself full of anti-coagulants for months on end without a second opinion and extra monitoring.

When I do cycle it will look something like this:

1. Consult with hematologist to confirm diagnoses/treatment

2.Prometrium to force AF

3.CD3 FSH and Estradiol

4.HSG-really really don’t want to do this but will, probably

5.Clomid 100mg

6.Heparin injections 2x daily

7.U/S to monitor follies

8.HcG trigger

9.Back to back IUI’s

10.Progesterone during TWW

It kind of makes me ill to see it. It’s not impossible but it feels like I am staring straight up at Everest. How the hell will I ever get to the top?

Almost all of this is an out of pocket expense so we will not be starting in February as I hoped. No 2009 baby for us. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t devastated. All because of money. I am bitter, really bitter. I will have a turn, I know I will. I just don’t know when and that really hurts and scares me. 

In other news, we are moving a brisk pace towards getting licensed as foster parents. Our mounds of paperwork are all filled out, we have attended more classes and are starting to child-proof the house. We just need a crib and a carseat now. After that we can schedule our home visit. EEK!

We were very honored this week to have received a surprise gift from a fellow blogger and her wife.  I am not sure if they want to be named, but we are so grateful for the beautiful card and gift certificate. Thank you again!

Buoyed by their support we made our first big foster baby purchase, a travel system along with some clothes and bottles! It was surreal to be standing there practicing collapsing the stroller and arguing over bottles. It was exciting but really bittersweet too. Does that make sense?

When we were at home hanging tiny clothes on ting hangers the reality of it all hit me. Whoever wears this little out fit is not my child. There will be no first day of school, prom or going off to college. No ultrasounds,  no showers with those perfect little sandwiches, no congratulatory cards, no eager visitors. Not. Our. Baby.

We will love these children with all we have but there is a sadness that I don’t think will ever leave us. There is also guilt. I feel like, in a way, we are giving up on our biological babies. We are buying cribs and clothes for other people’s children and not moving forward with trying to conceive our own. But there is a big difference betwen a crib and thousands of dollars in treatments/meds/monitoring and sperm. Crib, doable? The other? Not so much.

I feel like the dream is slipping further and further away from me. But, there is nothing else we can do right now. Our hands are tied at the moment. It sucks and it makes me really angry but I still feel sure that doing this will be good for us. These children already exist and right now, at this very second, they are being neglected, abused and hurt. We have the chance to fix that, to heal them, how can we not?

It’s been a strange week of ups and downs. I expect these kinds of feelings will continue for some time. I hope that doesn’t make me sound awful or selfish.

I honestly do think that we will be better people, better spouses and when our time comes, better parents because we have walked this path.

All will be well…. one day.

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When It Rains, It Pours Wednesday, Sep 24 2008 

I used to complain about how bored I was, how nothing interesting ever happened. I longed for a bit of excitement….. never again.

Let me give you some background info. I have been out of work for a few months. Even though it has sucked financially for my mental health, it was a gift. At the time we considered taking a  TTCbreak but crunched numbers and decided to continue. We assumed I would find a new job and we knew our housing situation was stable.

Well, finding a job has been nearly impossible. This hasn’t helped the stress levels much  and meant that if S decided to take a break from TTC I couldn’t begin so a total break would be in effect. The thought of all those wasted eggs and fertile months scared us so we continued.

In the middle of job hunting and IUI-ing we got the horrifying news that we had to move. How I wish I could tell you the details, it’s appalling and probably illegal but we are out of energy to fight anyone.

So, to recap, no job for me, no house for us and we hear this news at 7DPO. Oy vey. Minor hysteria, lots of crying and carbs. I even sent a desperate email to our Rabbi demanding to know what G-d was thinking. A very bad week.

We began the search for a new apartment and found mostly crap. I was getting so discouraged and, since no one knows we are TTC, hearing lots of well a one bedroom if you have to for now. Double oy vey.

We were really in a bad place but something told us to get up and go look a little further west. It’s a beautiful city and while we go there to shop we hadn’t considered living there, until we toured some properties. BEAUTIFUL! Peaceful, spacious. We were hooked.

We applied and are waiting to hear if it’s ours or not. The good news, S will make more money if we move there and I can focus my job hunt to our actual neighborhood. Even better, it’s plenty big should a baby decide to join us.

It dawned on me that all these months of utter crap might have been leading us here. Somewhere we would be a lot happier, have a lot more room and enjoy our home for a change. Maybe this is why I didn’t find a job out here, maybe this is why the past cycles ended the way they did. Maybe, just maybe, things are looking up.

I am praying we will get accepted, I know if we do everything else will fall into place. We should hear sometime today.

BTW, it’s CD 31 and no sign of you know who. Even on progesterone supps S has never had a cycle last this long. It was a late O so we aren’t testing yet. For now we are just saying that it’s “interesting”.

No matter what happens, the next few weeks are going to be a rollercoaster ride.

If you have any prayers, apartment/job/baby dust, good thoughts etc. to spare I will gladly take them.

Rosh Hashanah is a few days away, it would be a blessing to start the New Year with such joyful, hopeful hearts.

Some Good News Sunday, Sep 14 2008 

I bet you thought you were lost for a minute!

Yes, this is the right blog, just with actual good news for a change.

Our last visit revealed a crappy lining and only one follie responding to a combination of Clomid and Follistim. We were instructed to wait for a +OPK and trigger if we didn’t get that by Saturday.

S started to surge on her own yesterday so no trigger shot was needed, first bit of good news. Then, Dr. M squeezed us in today for the IUI because he was worried her surge would be short again. I didn’t even have to ask or argue. More good news.

Then, the ultrasound revealed a much improved lining, not perfect but much much better. Dr. M told us to keep S on the Estrace, no arguing or questioning again. Whoo hoo!

We saw the one perfect follie ready to burst at 22, up from 15.5 the other day. But then we got the best surprise of all. Somehow, that little pitiful 9-10mm follie had blossomed into a 22!!! Bonus follie, YAY! Even more amazing, the third sad follie had increased to a 16! Dr. M felt there was such a good chance of it being mature by tomorrow that he offered to do another IUI for us on  Sunday. He is coming in just for us!

So, we will end up with at least two, possibly three follies and back to back IUI’s this time around. He is keeping her on Estrace and is adding a funky cocktail of progesterone’s two to three times a day to keep her LP nice and long.

He said he is rooting for us and doing all he can to make this a success. I believe him this time.

I know anything can happen but that little bit of unexpected news is good enough for right now. 

I think I will be able to sleep tonight, for the first time in a long time.